X-Men – Page 24 – Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

As Mentioned in Episode 24 – Ororo, Queen of the Galaxy

September 28, 2014 Jay 18 comments

Listen to the episode here!

ORORO, QUEEN OF THE GALAXY, by David Wynne. (Prints available here until October 5.)

Lockheed vs. Pete Wisdom. (Excalibur #97)

Ironically, the thing she’s mad about might be the one time he actually isn’t, but the point stands in general. (X-Men #168)

Lockheed lurks. (X-Men #168)

This isn’t really relevant to the episode–we’re just hoping someone will use it as the basis for a Kitty Pryde magical-girl transformation sequence. (X-Men #168)

Scott and Lee: STILL AWESOME. (X-Men #168)

Before that one Hawkeye thing, there was this. (X-Men #168)

AWESOME TEAM-UP OF AWESOME. (X-Men #168)

But I think we all know the REAL point of X-Men #168. (We’re reviving this for this week’s art challenge – send your Kitty Pryde costume redesigns to xplainthexmen(at)gmail(dot)com!)

Very Nude Nightcrawler. (X-Men #169)

Dragon-sitting is basically the X-Men girlfriend test. (X-Men #169)

Remember that time X-Men straight-up did Barbarella? (Also the time Angel got pinned up by his wings in the Morlock tunnels. No, not that time. The other time.) (X-Men #169)

This cover is slashy in every sense of the word. (X-Men #170)

Well, then. (X-Men #170)

Remember that time Storm straight-up stabbed someone through the heart? BECAUSE THAT DEFINITELY HAPPENED. (X-Men #170)

And then Walt Simonson drew Storm, and we had Feelings. (X-Men #171)

Rogue also has feelings, but they’re less about the transcendent perfection of Simonson’s art than about her out-of-control powers. Sorry, Rogue. (X-Men #171)

Well, that escalated quickly. (X-Men #171)

This might be the most Rogue moment ever. (X-Men #171)

Remember that time Professor X was actually pretty fucking awesome? (X-Men #171)

For full effect, you have to imagine Wolverine’s lines in Steven Blum’s voice. I mean, you should really be doing that anyway. (X-Men #172)

YUKIO. Much, much more about her next week, but she’s the best. (X-Men #172)

For real, there is literally nothing you can say that will convince Rachel that these two are not TOTALLY DOING IT. (X-Men #173)

They really can’t kick her off the team after that. (X-Men #173)

BRB HAVING FEELINGS. (X-Men #173)

Oh. THAT asshole. (X-Men #173)

Meanwhile in Alaska, the most awkward meet-cute ever. (X-Men #168)

Here’s the thing about Scott and Madelyne: they’re actually kind of awesome together. Doomed, but awesome. (X-Men #170)

As a character who’s spent most of his life in a Claremont-written world, Scott is unfamiliar with the concept of coincidence. (X-Men #171)

Then, again, having spent years reading stories set in a Claremont-written world, we find it difficult to believe that this was actually just supposed to have been a coincidence. (X-Men #172)

Lilandra agrees. (X-Men #173)

HEPZIBAH, NEVER CHANGE. (X-Men #174)

This is funny because both of these relationships are super doomed. (X-Men #174)

A brief interlude of adorability from these goofy kids. (X-Men #174)

REMEMBER THAT PRIEST? Yeah. Totally Mastermind. God damnit, Mastermind. (X-Men #174)

Look, it’s a reasonable question under the circumstances. (X-Men #174)

Oh. (X-Men #174)

WELL, THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY. (X-Men #175)

Okay. This looks bad. (X-Men #175)

Really bad. (X-Men #175)

Really, really bad. (X-Men #175)

Cyclops-gritting-his-teeth-and-being-brilliant-in-the-face-of-impossible-odds is the best Cyclops. (X-Men #175)

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. (X-Men #175)

Not elegant, but efficient. (X-Men #175)

This is a really good speech, as such things go, but it’s also really funny that he went to the graveyard in his tux. (X-Men #175)

And then they lived happily ever… oh. (X-Men #175)

Next week: Wolverine demonstrates the Inverse Ninja Law.

24 – Ororo, Queen of the Galaxy

September 28, 2014 Jay 12 comments

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In which Professor X is (canonically!) a jerk, Miles has Sidrian Hunter feelings, Kitty Pryde is Clarissa Darling with a dragon, we introduce a drinking game, the X-Men do Barbarella, Rachel has a ‘shipper moment, Rogue joins the team, Storm gets a haircut, Mastermind is still the worst, and Madelyne Pryor is underrated.

X-Plained:

Lockheed
Uncanny X-Men #168-175
Reset issues
A one-sided rivalry
The lowest-drama X-romance
The Cream of Wheat box as a metaphor for infinity
Kitty’s Kostume Korner
Rachel’s questionably-canon ships
The Morlocks
Class privilege and the mutant metaphor
Callisto
Caliban
Sunder
Plague
Masque
A dubbing error
Gender dimorphism in superhero media
Storm’s first major character arc
Our single favorite superhero artist
Rogue
Rogue’s accent
A Charles Xavier we can believe in
Yukio
Punk Storm
Madelyne Pryor
Closure
Cyclops vs. formalwear

Art Challenge: Send us your Kitty Pryde costume redesigns–any era, any codename–to xplainthexmen(at)gmail(dot)com

Next Week: Claremont and Miller’s Wolverine!

You can find a visual companion to the episode – and links to recommended reading – on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Support us on Patreon!

Go X-Men, Go!

September 15, 2014 Jay 7 comments

The 2008 live-action Speed Racer movie is one of my favorite movies of all time. I’ve seen it easily a dozen times, and I still think it should have won every single possible award, including the ones for which it doesn’t technically qualify and a special new award made specifically to recognize Emile Hirsch’s perfect delivery of the perfect line “Inspector Detector suspected foul play.”

God, I love that movie.

ANYWAY, last night, a conversation on Twitter–specifically pursuant to James F. Wright and Josh Eckert’s pretty damn brilliant Children of the Engine concept–reminded me of the fact that it contains what I keep thinking should be pieces of an awesome Speed Racer / X-Men conspiracy theory.

Consider: Comics Cyclops is basically cosplaying Racer X at this point. Scott Porter, who played pre-Racer X Rex Racer in the 2008 film, voiced Cyclops in both the X-Men anime and the Marvel Heroes MMO; and Racer X’s movie costume is pretty much exactly Cyclops’s old X-Factor uniform, down to the color scheme.

I realize that that these things totally fail to resolve into anything resembling a respectable conspiracy theory. But I still feel vaguely that there should be something there, if only because finding a way to neatly streamline my pop-culture obsessions would probably save a lot of time and action-figure shelf space.

As Mentioned in Episode 22 – Through Death and Through Life

September 7, 2014 Jay 8 comments

Listen to the episode here!

At some point, someone pointed out that this is technically Anniversary X, and it was a pretty slippery slope from there.

We are aware that our favorite romance has its share of detractors. We don’t care. (Art by David Wynne.)

Actual photograph of Rachel and Miles at their 8th-grade graduation dance. (X-Men #32)

This is literally as explicit a conversation they have about it for… pretty much the entire Silver Age. (X-Men #32)

Proposal #1. Unfortunately, Jean is a) actually the Phoenix Force, and b) about to die on the moon. (Uncanny X-Men #136)

Not directly pertinent, but it’s one of our favorite moments. (Uncanny X-Men #137)

Scott saying goodbye to Jean immediately before marrying Madelyne Pryor. That really, really didn’t work out, but we like the sentiment–that “true love” doesn’t always have to mean “one true love.” (Uncanny X-Men #175)

Scott doesn’t actually work out that Madelyne and Jean are identical until X-Factor #14. Headcanon: Hella prosopagnosia.

Scott and Jean are reunited in a panel that appears to have fled from Apartment 3-G to X-Factor #1.

Jean gets Madelyne and Phoenix’s memories–and her own telepathy–back. (X-Factor #38)

Proposal #2. (X-Factor #53)

Jean’s response. (X-Factor #53)

“Fatal Attractions” was a rough time for everyone, but probably worst for Wolverine. (X-Men vol. 2 #75)

Proposal #3, guest-starring John Romita, Jr.’s profoundly alarming faces. (Uncanny X-Men #308)

Fate can go fuck itself. Damn, we love these two. (Uncanny X-Men #308)

There is probably no other panel from the entire 50 years of X-Men that we’ve sent back and forth more than this one. (Uncanny X-Men #308)

He’s actually fighting some dude who broke into the X-mansion and bonding with his time-displaced kid, but the basic principle of failing-at-bachelor-party still stands. (Uncanny X-Men #310)

And now, the main event. (X-Men vol. 2 #30)

Andy Kubert x body language. (X-Men vol. 2 #30)

Charles Xavier of X-Men vol. 2 #30 is the best Charles Xavier.

He also has the best timing. (X-Men vol. 2 #30)

Look at all those X-Men. (X-Men vol. 2 #30)

Can we have a moment of silent appreciation for the fact that Storm managed to find a dress that perfectly encapsulates the 1990s? (X-Men vol. 2 #30)

Best vows? Best vows. (X-Men vol. 2 #30)

Scott, Jean, we’re gonna let you finish… (X-Men vol. 2 #30)

…but Rogue and Gambit’s kiss in X-Men vol. 2 #41 is the best kiss in X-Men.

September 4, 2014.

Links:

Print of the week! You can find prints of David Wynne’s “Haters Gonna Hate” Scott & Jean illustration over at our shop until September 14–or drop David a line to buy the original!
The real Cats Laughing

NEXT WEEK: Rachel and Miles are going on vacation. Read a book. WEEK AFTER NEXT: The New Mutants!

22 – Through Death and Through Life

September 7, 2014 Jay 24 comments

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scottandjeanv3_cropped — Art by David Wynne

In which Rachel and Miles celebrate an anniversary with a retrospective of one of the great romances of the Marvel universe; the Summers/Grey family tree is more of a transdimensional strawberry patch; the X-Men play some football; Professor Xavier is not a jerk; and Scott Summers and Jean Grey are the power couple of existentialism.

X-Plained

Summers kids
Scott and Jean
Feelings
X-Men #32
The worst date ever
Madelyne Pryor
Plot-relevant prosopagnosia
Three proposals
X-Factor #53
Uncanny X-Men #308
“Fatal Attractions”
That one panel that gets us every time
X-Men vol. 2 #30
Some really excellent wedding vows
The best kiss in X-Men
Cats Laughing
Why “One” is actually a pretty decent first dance
Existential ramifications of fictional romance

Next week: Rachel and Miles take a much-needed vacation.

Week after next: The New Mutants!

You can find a visual companion to the episode – and links to recommended reading – on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Support us on Patreon!

Rachel and Miles Review the X-Men – Episode 5

September 5, 2014 Jay 6 comments

Week of September 3, 2014

In which we actually feel pretty okay about a foil cover.

Reviewed:

Death of Wolverine #1*
X-Men #19
All-New X-Factor #13
Uncanny X-Men #25
A cat

*Pick of the week (Yes, really.)

Video reviews are made possible by the support of our Patreon subscribers. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Edited to add: Rachel wrote a bit more about the panel of the week over here.

The Famous Five

September 3, 2014 Jay Leave a comment

Last week, our kickass Patreon subscribers unlocked weekly illustrations as a milestone goal, and we are tremendously pleased to present the second of those, in which David Wynne references Episode 21 to bring us a mash-up shamefully absent from pop culture thus far: the original X-Men as Enid Blyton’s YA-adventure classic Famous Five!

Patreon subscribers get a high-res desktop background version of the image. If you want a larger version you can hold, frame, lick, &c., David will have the original for sale here (alongside a lot of other very rad X-Plain the X-Men-related originals).

Nominally, this is a weekly thing, but we love this one enough that we’re going to keep prints available for the rest of September in our Redbubble shop.

(And if you want the desktop, you can subscribe to the Patreon here!)

21 – Kurt Busiek at the Coffee-a-Go-Go

August 31, 2014 Jay 34 comments

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In which special guest Kurt Busiek is the J. Robert Oppenheimer of X-Men, Rachel and Miles learn to love the Silver Age, Cyclops gets a job, Bernard the Poet falls from grace, we really wish X-Men: The Secret Years was a real book, everyone recites poetry, and we still don’t get around to Marvels.

X-Plained:

METOXO, the Lava Man
The true, secret purpose of Rachel and Miles X-Plain the X-Men
The Phoenix retcon
Archival pocket dimensions
Enid Blyton’s X-Men
Early-to-mid-20^th Century American Jewish Socialism
Why the X-Men are terrible mutant P.R.
Band names of the Silver Age
An X-Men series that might have been.
Why Cyclops should be the Rachel Maddow of Marvel
Quicksilver’s childhood dreams
The Coffee-a-Go-Go
Bernard the Poet
Zelda Kurtzberg
The Barefoot Beats

Next week: The wedding of Scott Summers and Jean Grey!

You can find a visual companion to the episode – and links to recommended reading – on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Support us on Patreon!

As Mentioned on Episode 18 – You’ve Got a Dracula Problem

August 10, 2014 Jay 26 comments

Listen to the episode here!

Dr. Nemesis is delightful.

Kinda in love with this cover. (X-Men #159)

What could it be? (X-Men #159)

Ah, there’s the Bill Sienkiewicz we know and love! (X-Men #159)

Note that we are still classily refraining from making a “gave her the D” joke. (X-Men #159)

Well, then. (X-Men #159)

Kitty Van Helsing. (X-Men #159)

Well, that resolved neatly. (X-Men #159)

The crossover leaves something to be desired, but the covers are superlative. (X-Men #1)

Comics industry: This is why we can’t have nice things. This panel. Specifically. (X-Men #1)

Well, that was a rapid and largely unsupported conclusion, Cyclops. (X-Men #1)

“WE’VE GOT OURSELVES A DRACULA PROBLEM.” (X-Men #1)

Blade has all the best toys. (X-Men #2)

You know how sometimes vampires are a metaphor for sex? Yeah, that. (X-Men #2)

Note that the vampire X-Men are just the normal X-Men, but with teeny, adorable fangs. (X-Men #2)

Remember that time Blade Godwin’d an entire crossover event? (X-Men #2)

We won’t lie to you, Cyclops: It’s pretty bad.

That’s very Castlevania 2 of you. (X-Men #2)

On one hand, they’re hella sexualizing a teenager. On the other hand, at least the vampires seem to be pretty body-positive about it? (X-Men #3)

WELL, THEN. (X-Men #3)

“Oh, my god! She’s TERRIBLE AT SPANISH WEB!” (X-Men #3)

Remember that time Cyclops told Dracula to follow his heart? Remember that time Cyclops told Dracula to follow his heart? Remember that time Cyclops told Dracula to follow his heart? (X-Men #3)

So, that happened. (X-Men #3)

In which Wolverine and Jubilee are 100% the bad kids from a Chick Tract. (X-Men #4)

“Vampires? Sure, cher, but first guess what Gambit is wearing…” (X-Men #4)

Curse of the Mutants Cyclops kinda reads like someone who read a bunch of hard-boiled detective novels but didn’t quite understand the jargon. (X-Men #4)

Great idea. Questionable execution–would’ve made a great mid-fight reveal–but great idea. (X-Men #5)

Suddenly, hundreds of ‘shippers felt a great disturbance in the force. (X-Men #5)

Yes, Cyclops. Yes, we are. (X-Men #5)

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. (X-Men #5)

Dracula, ladies and gentlemen. (X-Men #5)

He’s not wrong. (X-Men #6)

Creepiest bluff ever? Creepiest bluff ever. (X-Men #6)

The world legitimately needs more Storm-and-Gambit-being-sneaky stories. They’re good bros, those two. (Storm and Gambit #1)

Someday, we’ll do a roundup of every variation of this line that has appeared in an X-book, but not today. (Storm and Gambit #1)

DAMN SKIPPY. (Storm and Gambit #1)

Remember how Dr. Nemesis is delightful? Dr. Nemesis is delightful (X-Men: Smoke and Blood #1)

They do this gag like five times over the course of the issue, and it never stops being funny. (X-Men: Smoke and Blood #1)

Madison Jeffries and Kavita Rao: also delightful (but not as delightful as Dr. Nemesis). (No one is as delightful as Dr. Nemesis.) (X-Men: Smoke and Blood #1)

See? (X-Men: Smoke and Blood #1)

Jury’s still out on this one. (X-Men: Smoke and Blood #1)

PITCH: A limited series where Dazzler and Northstar team up with the disco vampires. CALL US, MARVEL. (X-Men vs. Vampires #1)

Next week: Rachel and Miles go to Hell (sort of)!

AND NOW, THE CONTEST WINNERS!

Last week, we asked you to pitch your best ideas for X-Men games to win a download code for the <em>Days of Future Past</em> mobile game. (Thanks again, Glitchsoft!)

Before we announce the winners, let us take a moment to rave: You are brilliant, and we are legitimately pretty pissed off that we can’t play most of these games, because they look awesome. We wish we could give you all prizes.

Based on a ~~complicated~~ imaginary algorithm involving on originality, narrative/gameplay fit and integration, playability, and personal whim, we are pleased to announce that the grand-prize winners are as follow:

Newtype53:

1) The Silver-Age X-Men (taking heavily from Season One and First Class), going right up to the Bronze age with the Phoenix/Dark Phoenix Saga. Why?

2) It’s a Japanese-style “dating sim” game, with a heavy focus on character relations. Any mutant combat will cover RPG elements in an old 8-bit Final Fantasy format, with a 5-man team selectable for the squad.

3) Marvel Girl. However, each of the other original 5 X-Men have their own storyline that unlock after beating Jean’s, with Jean’s storyline being the canon one that follows up through her canonical death as the Dark Phoenix (or does it? Multiple endings with potential happy endings, anyone?). Do you choose to follow the canon and romance Cyclops? What about his brooding brother who just wants a damned normal life? Or the magnificent Angel? The brooding Wolverine? The angry Thunderbird? Do you still love Hank when he’s literally blue? Or are you more into Iceman? The potential is endless! Romance Professor X (ewwwwwww) for the bonus unlockable option to play through a storyline as Professor X, manipulating the hell out of your students to your own ends!

As a bonus, any Mutant met can be drawn into the X-Men through specific dialogue choices, though none of the recruited X-Men can be romanced. However, this may alienate other members of the team, and can even cause them to leave the X-Men!

Craig S:

1) X-Treme X-Men

2) Turn-based RPG

3) James Howlett, Kurt Waggoner, Emmeline Frost, Xavier’s Head, Dazzler

Chrono-trigger style game where you travel from timeline to timeline hunting down evil Charles Xaviers, generally in the order you choose. You’d start with a basic team, and collect new members as you go to their individual timelines.

We’ll be e-mailing you those download codes later today!

We also want to take a moment to acknowledge two other really superlative entries. You do not get download codes, so, as a compensation prize, here is another picture of that panel of Cyclops telling Dracula to follow his heart:

SO ANYWAY.

BEST JUST-FOR-FUN:

Elle:

1. Kitty Pryde and Wolverine (the ’84-85 miniseries)
2. Ninja Gaiden-esque sidescrolling platformer with melodramatic cutscenes. Ninjas ninjas ninjas.
3. Alternate levels as Kitty getting into trouble in Japan and Wolverine trying to find her. In the last level you can choose which of them to play as you fight the other one, but then the winner has to take on final boss Ogun.

BEST NOT-SURE-THIS-ACTUALLY-COUNTS-AS-A-GAME-BUT-WE-ARE-BOTH-IMPRESSED-AND-SLIGHTLY-FRIGHTENED-BY-YOUR-INGENUITY:

McArdle:

1. Name: Siege Perilous: The Game
2. Platform: pervasive throughout your life. You download an app on your phone and it replaces your twitter, your facebook, your instagram, your contacts, and everything else with the media and social life of a better version of yourself. The game is to learn to live as that person. There is no going back.
3. Playable character: you, but maybe a ninja version of you.

As Mentioned in Episode 17 – The Island of Dr. Corbeau

August 3, 2014 Jay 22 comments

Listen to the episode here!

Is there a friendship equivalent to “we ‘ship it”? Because, that. (Uncanny X-Men #154)

And you think it’s a pain when your parents visit. (Uncanny X-Men #154)

Corsair, X-Plained. (Uncanny X-Men #154)

Cyclops: Not all that quick on the uptake. (Uncanny X-Men #154)

Remember when this happened and it was hilarious? (Uncanny X-Men #114)

Get used to it, kid. (Uncanny X-Men #154)

Roy and Phil are the new Harvey and Janet. (Uncanny X-Men #154)

That’s… pretty valid, actually. (Uncanny X-Men #154)

Corsair does a lot of X-Plaining this issue. (Uncanny X-Men #154)

In Cyclops’s defense, he did, in fact, have the worst childhood ever. (Uncanny X-Men #155)

This is basically how the Shi’ar say Hello. (Uncanny X-Men #155)

Never change, Kitty Pryde. (Uncanny X-Men #155)

The lady in the fuchsia coat is hardcore judging you, Corsair. (Uncanny X-Men #155)

The Brood’s arsenal includes a super rad op-art ray. (Uncanny X-Men #155)

‘Kay, then. (Uncanny X-Men #155)

Wolveine is hella into fighting with the Brood, which is good, because he’s gonna be doing a lot of that a couple arcs from now. (Uncanny X-Men #155)

Spoiler: He’s gonna be okay. (Uncanny X-Men #155)

REMEMBER THESE BADASSES? They’re back. And we love them. (Uncanny X-Men #156)

We weren’t kidding when we said Phil and Roy were the new Harvey and Janet. (Uncanny X-Men #156)

THE STARJAMMERS ARE SO RAD THAT WE CAN ONLY TALK ABOUT THEM IN ALL CAPS. (Uncanny X-Men #156)

Hepzibah demonstrates the proper way to interrupt a dramatic moment. P.S. REMEMBER WHEN WE SAID THE STARJAMMERS ARE FUCKING DELIGHTFUL? THE STARJAMMERS ARE FUCKING DELIGHTFUL, YOU GUYS. (Uncanny X-Men #156)

The Brood are dicks, man. (Uncanny X-Men #156)

It’s okay. He’ll be back. (Uncanny X-Men #157)

Yeah, we’re not sure what’s going on in that first outfit, either. (Uncanny X-Men #157)

Uncanny X-Men #157, in which Kitty Pryde saves the world with costumes. Like, seriously.

And then, for no apparent reason, she changes into a Peter Pan outfit. You do you, Kitty. You do you. (Uncanny X-Men #157)

Meanwhile, in Avengers Annual #10, it’s raining Marvels.

Fun fact: Jessica Drew is long-time buds with the X-Men. (Avengers Annual #10)

Well, that explains it. (Uncanny X-Men #158)

Rogue’s default villain M.O. was really, really creepy. (Avengers Annual #10)

REMEMBER HOW THAT HAPPENED AND NONE OF THE AVENGERS SAW ANY PROBLEM WITH IT? (Avengers Annual #10)

You know the runs that gymnasts do as the lead-up to really spectacular tumbling passes? This is Chris Claremont’s equivalent, only instead of doing a bunch of flips, he is going to call out some of the most bullshit writing of the previous year. (Avengers Annual #10)

STANDING. FUCKING. OVATION. That said, it’s pretty depressing that this came out in 1981 and still reads as a lot more progressive than the handling of sexual violence in a lot of current comics. (Avengers Annual #10)

The return of Dr. Peter Corbeau. (Uncanny X-Men #158)

I WONDER IF THIS WILL BECOME RELEVANT LATER. (Uncanny X-Men #158)

Senator Kelly: Still a jerk. (Uncanny X-Men #158)

“Hey, Alex, you know how all you wanted was a normal life? Yeah, I just dropped by to tell you our dad’s been alive for the last twenty years. And he’s a space pirate. And your hat looks stupid.” (Uncanny X-Men #158)