Oh, Evolution Season One. You try so hard. And sometimes you hit your mark: sometimes it’s “Turn of the Rogue.”
And then, sometimes, it’s “SpykeCam.”
Here’s the thing about Spyke: he’s a character born of good intentions and just stunningly thin execution. He’s got a lot of potential, but the actual episodes that focus on him–which are fairly few and far between–and his eventual, deeply dubious fate are almost universally weak. I want to like this dude, and sometimes I really do–but often, it’s in spite of, not because of, the stories built around him.
Ah, well. We’ll always have Dracula: The Rock Musical.
Look at this glorious sonofabitch. (Uncanny X-Men #221)
“Spirit and soul” still counts. Take a drink. (Uncanny X-Men #221)
Madelyne Pryor is no one’s damsel in distress. (Uncanny X-Men #221)
Depictions of sound in visual media are really fascinating. This is one of the cooler effects! (Uncanny X-Men #222)
More sound and speech balloons. (Uncanny X-Men #222)
In case you need an additional reason not to masturbate with a cactus: apparently that’s how you get eye-killers. (Uncanny X-Men #222)
“Also, you’re lousy in bed and you’re never going to finish your dissertation.” (Uncanny X-Men #222)
Things more metal than this cover: NONE OF THEM. (Uncanny X-Men #223)
HI, MURDER GRAMPAS! We missed you! (Uncanny X-Men #223)
Well, shit. (Uncanny X-Men #223)
That time Storm caught a fish like a bear. (Uncanny X-Men #223)
One of my favorite weird details of this era is Wolverine wearing that cowboy hat all the damn time, and no one ever commenting on it. (Uncanny X-Men #223)
I’m gonna go ahead and say that Madelyne Pryor gets the rawest deal in X-Men, and this is only the first act. (Uncanny X-Men #223)
Oh, dear. (Uncanny X-Men #223)
SPOILER: This will not end well. (Uncanny X-Men #223)
Instead of a clever caption, I’m just gonna drop this link to Native Appropriations. (Uncanny X-Men #224)
The staging here is spectacularly classic-romance-comic. (Uncanny X-Men #224)
Even the happy moments in this arc are really damn depressing. (Uncanny X-Men #224)
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 10/18/2015 at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
In which we persevere in the face of adversity; Storm goes on a quest; Mr. Sinister makes his first appearance; Dazzler learns about teamwork (again); it still sucks to be Havok (but not as much as it sucks to be Madelyne Pryor); you should probably put down that cactus; the Murder Grampas join Freedom Force; Storm’s life is a metal-album cover; and the X-Men are doomed as hell.
X-Plained:
The Mr. Sinister / Summers family time loop
Uncanny X-Men #220-224
Actual and potential origins of Mr. Sinister’s name
How Longshot’s powers work in combat
Teamwork (again)
Representing sound and silence in a visual medium
A protracted fight
Forge (again)
Naze (kind of)
The Adversary
Eye Killers
One of many reasons not to masturbate with a cactus
The X-Men in San Francisco
Madelyne Pryor vs. fate
Storm vs. Forge
Character names vs. code names
X-Makeovers
NEXT WEEK: X-Men vs. Avengers
You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!
Rachel and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
I don’t know if there’s a word for what’s going on with Rogue’s hair, but it is AMAZING. (Uncanny X-Men #218)
AND THAT’S WHY YOU ALWAYS LEAVE A NOTE! (Uncanny X-Men #218)
“Y’all enjoy your group hug. I’m just gonna FLING THIS FUCKING ROCK INTO SPACE.” (Uncanny X-Men #218)
Aw, Longshot. (Uncanny X-Men #218)
I know this story is all about teamwork, but Rogue definitely wins MVP of Uncanny X-Men #218.
‘Kay. (Uncanny X-Men #218)
The really great thing about this reference is that there’s also a Brigadier Lethbridge Stuart running around UK-616. I bet they get each other’s mail all the time. (Uncanny X-Men #218)
Hope you enjoyed it while it lasted, Havok! (Uncanny X-Men #218)
Car Wreck Sex: The Alex Summers Story. (Uncanny X-Men #218)
This plotline will continue to dangle for like a year and a half. (Uncanny X-Men #218)
Take a drink. (Uncanny X-Men #219)
Damn, kid. (Uncanny X-Men #219)
Please let us know if you can work out the timeline here, because we’ve basically stopped sleeping, and it’s not pretty. (Uncanny X-Men #219)
I always figured Magneto would have way nicer penmanship than this. (Uncanny X-Men #219)
Lorna, you can FUCK WITH MAGNETIC FIELDS WITH YOUR MIND, AND ONE TIME YOU THREW AN ISLAND INTO SPACE. Are you really that surprised at a freak earthquake? (Uncanny X-Men #219)
If the X-line were a sitcom, they’d totally have cut from here to Scott arguing with hallucinations over in X-Factor. (Uncanny X-Men #219)
It’s okay. Everyone will be too distracted by your hat to notice the tights. (Uncanny X-Men #219)
Our heroes and yours! (Uncanny X-Men #219)
THAT. HAIR. (Uncanny X-Men #219)
NEXT WEEK: Origins of X-Men: Evolution, with Robert N. Skir!
FURTHER LISTENING:
Special thanks to the wonderful Adam Warrock for letting us sample his song “Teamwork” in this episode! You can listen to the full track here, and find more of Adam’s work at adamwarrock.com!
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 9/6/2015 at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
In which Dazzler is not a team player; Longshot is the Zonker Harris of the X-Men; Juggernaut is That Guy; Rachel and Miles channel Statler and Waldorf; and Alex Summers is seriously never, ever going to finish grad school.
X-PLAINED:
Mutant X
The only well-adjusted Scott Summers in the Multiverse
The Goblin Entity
Uncanny X-Men #217-219
The evolution of the X-Men’s lineup
Standards for a good twist
Doonesbury
Several Dungeons & Dragons analogies
A dubious literary allusion
Flying jeeps
CrimeBros
The fundamental tragedy of Longshot
Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart and several homages thereto
Geordie and Rupert
Havok (more) (again)
Car-wreck sex
An unfortunate end to a camping trip
The Plot Bus
Several ways to stat Rogue up as a D&D character
Narrative-friendly power sets
Special thanks to:
The wonderful Adam Warrock, for letting us sample his song “Teamwork” in this episode! You can listen to the full track here, and find more of Adam’s work at adamwarrock.com.
Harrison Barber for his X-Pert D&D advice (not to mention nearly fifteen years of tolerating our nonsense at the gaming table)!
NEXT WEEK: X-Men: Evolution with Robert N. Skir!
You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!
Rachel and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 7/26/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.
If this week’s illustration reminds you of last week’s, that’s because they’re two parts of this rad panorama! Again, prints are available until 7/26/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.
Mystique, what are you even doing? (X-Factor #9)
This, again. (X-Factor #9)
Passing privilege in action! (X-Factor #9)
That’s actually pretty clever. (X-Factor #9)
MOPPETS. (X-Factor #9)
Meanwhile in Apartment 3G… (X-Factor #10)
WRONG CHOICE, ANGEL. (X-Factor #10)
One horseman down, three to go. (X-Factor #10)
Damn, Jean. (X-Factor #10)
Ouch. (X-Factor #10)
OUCH. (X-Factor #10)
There is never a worst time to be a Power kid than during an X-line crossover. (Power Pack #27)
Everyone hates X-Factor. (Power Pack #27)
It really does kind of cheapen Sabretooth’s menace when a bunch of kids can take him down–even these kids. (Power Pack #27)
COMICS FOR KIDS. (Power Pack #27)
And then everything was sad forever. (Power Pack #27)
BEHOLD THIS MAJESTIC THUNDER GOD AND HIS MAJESTIC BEARD! (The Mighty Thor #373)
No, but seriously, though. (The Mighty Thor #373)
Thor has frog friends. (The Mighty Thor #373)
Have we mentioned that we love Thor? We love Thor. (The Mighty Thor #373)
There’s a reason that Walter Simonson is the gold standard for epic dialogue. (The Mighty Thor #374)
Aw. (The Mighty Thor #374)
There’s a lot of straight-up killing on the hero side of this event. (The Mighty Thor #374)
(X-Men #9, specifically.) (The Mighty Thor #374)
Thor: Definitely the best dude you know. (The Mighty Thor #374)
It’s funny, because miscommunication. (X-Factor #11)
“Run! It’s a crossover issue!” (X-Factor #11)
X-Factor drinking game: Drink every time someone has to explain the relationship between X-Factor and the X-Terminators. (X-Factor #11)
Halfway there, Apocalypse! (X-Factor #11)
Ouch. (X-Factor #11)
On the upside: Boom-Boom! (X-Factor #11)
NEXT WEEK: The New Mutants party like it’s 1299!
LINKS & FURTHER READING
Listen to Episode 65–The Mutant Massacre, Part 1–here!
You can find the Mutant Massacre reading order here.
Have you read Walter Simonson’s run of The Mighty Thor yet? You should really go do that. It starts here.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 7/26/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.
In which we wrap up our first official two-parter; Gambit ruins everything; Rachel has a theory about Mister Sinister; Marvel communication technology is behind the times; Trish Tilby is tired of your bullshit; Walter Simonson is the best of the best; X-Factor pulls it together; Power Pack gets uncomfortably dark; Miles has Thor feelings; and even more mutants die.
NOTE: This episode is the second of a two-parter! If you haven’t listened to Episode 65, where we cover the first half of the mutant massacre, you should probably do that before you listen to this one!
X-PLAINED:
Masque
Tentacle disambiguation
More of the Mutant Massacre
A Sinister hypothesis
Several Marauder-related retcons
X-Factor #9-11
Power Pack #27
The Mighty Thor #373-374
Trish Tilby
Artie & Leech
Several awkward reunions
Walter Simonson
The fall of Angel
Apocalypse’s horsemen
Yet another crossover that will probably scar the Power kids for life
Franklin Richards
Thor, Donald Blake, and Sigurd Jarlson
The best issue of any comic, ever.
The Tunnelers
Ongoing repercussions of the Mutant Massacre
Rachel & Miles’s horseman identities
Which X-Men could and should wield Mjolnir
NEXT WEEK: The New Mutants party like it’s 1299!
You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!
Rachel and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 7/19/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.
And so it begins. (Uncanny X-Men #210)
Dazzler vs. Dazzler. (Uncanny X-Men #210)
We’d make a joke about taking a drink for every X-Men/X-Factor near miss, but you’d die of alcohol poisoning before the end of the crossover. (Uncanny X-Men #210)
Aw, Colossus. (Uncanny X-Men #210)
Not sure why Alanis Morisette didn’t bring this up in “Ironic.” (Uncanny X-Men #210)
Good job Kitty. (Uncanny X-Men #210)
Well, damn. (Uncanny X-Men #210)
There’s something really unsettlingly cheery and Silver-Age about this page. (Uncanny X-Men #211)
No idea who the purple individual is, which is a shame, because they seem awesome. (Uncanny X-Men #211)
STORM, NO! DON’T SPLIT THE PARTY! (Uncanny X-Men #211)
Whoa. (Uncanny X-Men #211)
This is the closest they’ll come to an actual conversation until Inferno. (Uncanny X-Men #211)
Whoops. (Uncanny X-Men #211)
So, THAT happened. (Uncanny X-Men #211)
SO, THAT HAPPENED. (Uncanny X-Men #211)
Dani Moonstar’s powers are METAL AS FUCK. (New Mutants #46)
“My powers are limited to the counterculture.” (New Mutants #46)
Powerlessness and the sense of being able to accomplish too little too late are pervasive themes in the Mutant Massacre. (New Mutants #46)
Everything’s sadder when teenagers are reacting to it. (New Mutants #46)
Well, shit. (New Mutants #46)
How have they not learned to listen to Doug by now? He is ALWAYS RIGHT. (New Mutants #46)
Cold, Wolverine. (Uncanny X-Men #212)
In her defense, everything is in fact well and truly fucked. (Uncanny X-Men #212)
And again. See what I meant about the alcohol-poisoning thing? (Uncanny X-Men #212)
You can, however, take a drink when Storm takes off her clothes for no clear reason. (Uncanny X-Men #212)
First mention of the man with the plan! (Uncanny X-Men #212)
Well done, Wolverine! (Uncanny X-Men #212)
I don’t care who you are: Callisto is better at leadership than you. (Uncanny X-Men #212)
It’s cool. It’s just Thor; we’ll be covering that stuff next episode. (Uncanny X-Men #212)
Psylocke’s psychic projection is adorable and also super creepy. (Uncanny X-Men #213)
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 7/19/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.
In which we hit the first big X-centric crossover; a lot of Morlocks die; X-Factor is a dark farce; Kitty Pryde talks down a mob without using racial slurs; when Doug Ramsey tells you there’s a problem, you listen; and Callisto should be one of the iconic leaders of the Marvel Universe.
X-PLAINED:
Death by intellectual-property dispute
The Mutant Massacre
Mutant Massacres that might have been
Uncanny X-Men #210-213
New Mutants #46
The Marauders
The best way to guarantee the New Mutants’ involvement in a storyline
Limbo fashion
The responsibility of leadership
Wolverine vs. Sabretooth
Psylocke vs. Sabretooth
The evolution of crossovers
Characters we’d like to see more of post-Secret Wars
NEXT WEEK: The Mutant Massacre, Part 2!
You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!
Rachel and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
You know how I said that X-Men: Evolution is really entertaining even when it’s really, really bad? This week, we’re gonna put that to the test. Prepare for more rock puns than you have ever heard in a single 22-minute stretch. Also, Transformers. Kinda.
In other news, I still have no idea what the titles refer to.
BUT FIRST, A PRETEND HORROR MOVIE!
We open with the Pryde home, in a fictional town in Illinois. The town has a name, but I don’t care what it is, and it’s never going to be relevant again, so I’m just gonna call it Fake Deerfield. Cool? Cool.
OH, MY GOD, IT’S GRATUITOUS LIGHTNING!
Kitty dreams that she’s falling, and–spoiler–she actually falls through her bed and floor and lands in the basement. She wakes up screaming, and her parents rush down to comfort her. They think she was sleepwalking–until they look up and a PORTENTOUS FLASH OF LIGHTNING illuminates her blanket, embedded in the basement ceiling.
OH MY GOD! THAT’S–actually, wait, that’s not scary at all.
Okay, look, I get what they were shooting for here, but you know who has the least horror-movie powers of just about all the X-Men? Hint: It’s definitely Kitty, barring the stories where phased becomes her default state (which this isn’t). Framing this scene and the Prydes’ cheerfully generic suburban house like a horror movie reminds me of one of those recut trailers where you try to make a movie look like a genre it obviously isn’t; or a kid telling a shaggy-dog joke and then waiting for you to be overjoyed at the lack of punchline; or the entire movie White Noise.1 It’s all buildup, with no proportionate payoff.
Ew, Cerebro, no. Don’t do that.
Meanwhile, back at Stately Xavier Manor, Kitty’s late-night spill pings Cerebro. Does anyone else find it unsettling that Professor X has a psychic supercomputer that provides him with turnaroundfull body scans of teenagers?
Also, Cerebro accurately predicts the outfit that Kitty is going to wear to school the next day.2
“What am I?” wails Kitty. “What’s happening to me?” Just give it five seconds, kid–the credits montage identifies you quite clearly as Shadowcat.
