polaris – Page 7 – Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

210 – The End of Tomorrow: X-Cutioner’s Song (Part 1 of 3)

August 19, 2018 Jay 21 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which you may or may not have your own Black Bug Room; FlameCon was in fact every bit as wonderful as we projected (and more); Caliban hates true love; no one will ever be as extra as Mister Sinister; X-Cutioner’s Song is secretly a farce; we achieve Peak Cable; and the quintessential ’90s crossover event begins!

X-PLAINED:

The Black Bug Room
A good deal of pre-event status quo
Uncanny X-Men #294
X-Factor #84
X-Men #14
X-Force #16
Trading card taxonomy
The opening strains of a crossover event
A concert that worked out better in theory than in practice
An abduction
Several attempted murders
A large number of awkward reunions
An even larger number of inter-team brawls
Two villains pretending to be other villains
Cape logistics
Peak Cable
Many pouches
Many guns
The origin of Hope Summers
Our hopes for mutants in the MCU

NEXT EPISODE: Aw, Stryfe, no.

NOTE: At one point in this episode, Miles said “X-Force” when he actually meant “X-Factor.” If you can tell us where, you win the prize of eternal smugness (not as much smugness as Sinister, but still a lot).

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 208 – The X-Patriots

August 5, 2018 Jay 2 comments

Listen to the podcast here!

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Prodigal Was Right. (X-Factor #81)

No matter how many times I look at this, I still imagine this dude moving like tumbleweed. (X-Factor #82)

HEY, LOOK, MARVEL GOT A NEW LICENSE! (X-Factor #82)

Havok: Actually a reasonably good boss! (X-Factor #82)

I spent a LOT of time googling jaw injuries to try to figure out what the hell the hardware on Lorna’s face is supposed to be. Verdict: IT’S A MYSTERY. (X-Factor #82)

Live your best life, Toad. (X-Factor #82)

The fastest withering insults in the West. (X-Factor #82)

The new Phantazia.

THIS IS A VALID CONCERN. (X-Factor #82)

(It’s okay; Sam’s fine and possibly immortal.) (X-Factor #82)

Remember like five pages ago when it was a big deal that Lorna’s jaw was wired shut? (X-Factor #82)

I feel you, Lukas. (X-Factor #83)

Oh, this is gonna be awkward. (X-Factor #83)

WELL THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY. (X-Factor #83)

They’re going to bond over how much they hate everyone else. (X-Factor #83)

I’m still trying to figure this out. Maybe mutate children are artificially physically matured as part of the mutate process? (X-Factor #83)

Stairs are funny. (X-Factor #83)

Sure, why not? (X-Factor #83)

Aw, they’re best friends now. Because they’re both jerks. (X-Factor #83)

Poor Zachary. (X-Factor #83)

He’ll be okay, but this storyline is not going to get resolved until after X-Cutioner’s Song. (X-Factor #83)

Rick Chalker, on the other hand, will definitely not be okay. (X-Factor #83)

NEXT EPISODE: X-Editor Jordan D. White!

LINKS & FURTHER ENRICHMENT:

FLAMECON IS ONLY TWO WEEKS AWAY! COME SEE US! WE ARE DELIGHTFUL!
As Jay mentioned in this episode, The Ren & Stimpy Show was created by a really fucking terrible person. (CW: child abuse, predatory grooming, and a whole bunch of other horrific stuff.)
You can get the skinny on Jenny Ransome and Philip Moreau in Episode 99 – Those Who Walk Away from Genosha.

208 – The X-Patriots

August 5, 2018 Jay 16 comments

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In which nobody wears the pants in the X-Plain family; Havok is a remarkably okay boss; Polaris may want to find a new doctor; Quicksilver has no time for your nonsense; we are very conditionally okay with resurrections; and if you spoil Season 5 of Steven Universe for Miles, we will never ever ever forgive you.

X-PLAINED:

Jay & Miles at FlameCon
Advantages of recording remotely
X-Factor #81-83
What Genosha’s been up to
Prodigal
An impassioned speech
An unfortunate accident
Yet another return(ish) of Sauron
Chain of command
Lukas
Pirouette
Yet another justification for the name of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants
Phantazia (again)
Immovable vs. unstoppable
What you do on a boat
Taylor
When Havok still cared
“The Mutant Rap”
Adventures in New York
How to bond with Quicksilver
An angry mob
A derailed storyline
The ignominious death of Rick Chalker
Our opinions on the revolving door of death
X-Men vs. electronics
Superheroes from the Balkans
Theoretical X-Men and Steven Universe team-ups

NEXT EPISODE: X-Editor Jordan D. White!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 202 – Rhapsody in Blue (and Gold)

June 24, 2018 Miles 3 comments

Listen to the podcast here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Man, that cover. (X-Factor #79)

Learning at super-speed! It doesn’t work… (X-Factor #79)

…until it does. (X-Factor #79)

Pietro Maximoff: not just a jerk, but a smart jerk. (X-Factor #79)

Only in X-Factor. (X-Factor #79)

I had the same dream! (X-Factor #79)

You got your 90s in my 90s! (Did you ever feel like a page was written and drawn especially for 10-year-old you?) (X-Factor #80)

Those Stroman crowd scenes, though. (X-Factor #80)

I’m pretty sure that’s not how you fix a broken jaw. Then again, in a universe where Jack Kirby designed most early technology, I guess all bets are off. (X-Factor #80)

And sometimes, when I’m feeling frisky… (X-Factor #80)

This is pretty much what happened the one time I tried to play a harmonica. (X-Factor #80)

Not only did the Genegineer lock Rahne into her transitional wolf form and genetically bond her to a guy she’d barely met, but he made her really bad at poker! Dammit, dude. (X-Factor #80)

“And after this fight, Archangel and I have a shopping date!” (X-Factor #80)

Yep, totally a Sam Keith design. (X-Factor #80)

There are so many ways to make Havok’s powers look cool. (X-Factor #81)

I feel pretty bad for everyone here. Well, not Pietro. (X-Factor #81)

When Guido isn’t busy referencing Murphy Brown, dude can be pretty scary. (X-Factor #81)

Most people think the ubiquity of cell phones was responsible for the death of the pay phone. Nope: it was this guy. (X-Factor #81)

Respect, man. Wait… it was all a trick? Okay, different respect.(X-Factor #81)

To be honest, I’m just including this one for Titan Up the Defense listeners. (X-Factor #81)

NEXT TIME: Man, screw you, Mikhail.

202 – Rhapsody in Blue (and Gold)

June 24, 2018 Miles 18 comments

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In which music is dangerous and confusing, Jamie Madrox has a weakness for femmes fatale, the term “f-holes” makes Miles turn 12, and we bid a fond farewell to Larry Stroman.

X-PLAINED:

That time Havok was the nexus of all realities
How to get to Florida, Magneto style
X-Factor #79-81
Lesser-used applications of super-speed
Rhapsody (Rachel Argosy)
Mutant late bloomers
The surprising convenience and safety of fictional shop windows
Excalibur-weird vs. X-Factor-weird
Tiny cellos
The worst kid in the neighborhood
A creative use of mutant powers
Whether Madrox creates duplicates during sex (again)
Astral wheat fields
Musical manslaughter
Sean Young (who is decidedly not Catwoman)
Hell’s Belles
Rahne’s World
Polaris’s body image issues
Beefiness disambiguation
Wolfsbane’s conditional poker face
Cyber (Silas Burr)
Strong Guy, who just works here, man
Alex Summers, inspiring and/or deceptive authority figure
Bringing back the classics (and when not to)
The surprisingly homogenous Multiverse

NEXT EPISODE: Mikhail Rasputin ruins everything.

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 199 – Space, Geeks, and Gaveedra Seven

May 27, 2018 Jay 4 comments

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

It’s weird, but it could be SO MUCH WEIRDER. (X-Men Annual #1)

These two really have their battle banter down to a science. (X-Men Annual #1)

Well, this is awkward in retrospect. (X-Men Annual #1)

Hi, Retrieval Team. (X-Men Annual #1)

Again: I want these characters to be SO MUCH WEIRDER. (Uncanny X-Men Annual #16)

Stop trying to make “bohunk” happen. (Uncanny X-Men Annual #16)

GOOD LORD JOE QUESADA DRAWS A TERRIFYING MOJO (Uncanny X-Men Annual #16)

This comic does not include a countdown of enemies, but if it did, #1 would definitely be condiments. (X-Factor Annual #7)

This actually explains a depressing lot about Mojoworld. (X-Factor Annual #7)

SPIRAL IS SO COOL. (X-Factor Annual #7)

Spiral X-Plains Spiral, Part 1. (X-Factor Annual #7)

Spiral X-Plains Spiral, Part 2. (X-Factor Annual #7)

Okay, getting marginally weirder, but still not quite there. (X-Force Annual #1)

You can tell he’s a big deal now because he wears his hair down. (X-Force Annual #1)

I just realized that the good Spineless Ones are named after Borscht Belt comedians. (X-Force Annual #1)

Behind every Facebook meme about positivity is this panel. (X-Force Annual #1)

Powerpax! (X-Force Annual #1)

Darkchild! (X-Force Annual #1)

Banshee! (X-Force Annual #1)

Cyberlock! (X-Force Annual #1)

Sunspot, but with a mullet! (X-Force Annual #1)

You’d think a guy who grew up on a media-saturated world would know better than to trust an administrator in a fancy hat. (X-Force Annual #1)

Kill your television. (X-Force Annual #1)

I feel really good about the fact that Longshot aged into Estelle Getty. (X-Force Annual #1)

Ignore these blueprints; they will never be followed consistently. (X-Men Annual #1)

SELF-FRIEND (X-Men Annual #1)

Remember the good ol’ days, when comics NEVER dabbled in politics or even direct allegory? *snort* (X-Men Annual #1)

“I can also cross over with DC properties, but that’s not really gonna be on the table for a while.” (Uncanny X-Men Annual #16)

Val Cooper’s subconscious is an appropriately frightening place. (X-Factor Annual #7)

NOPE. (X-Factor Annual #7)

Taki! We missed you! (X-Force Annual #1)

We’re only posting one of the many pin-ups; but DANG, it’s a good one. (X-Force Annual #1)

NEXT EPISODE: Louise Simonson!

LINKS & FURTHER READING:

For more background on Longshot and Mojoworld, listen to Episode 49 – Of Mullets and Miracles.
Get Bishop’s backstory in Episode 180 – Lawful Badass.
The Kobayashi Maru is a really fun book, if you like that kind of thing (which Jay does).
If you happen to end up in New York, the Jim Henson exhibit at the Museum of the Moving Image is AMAZING.
“Send the Marines” is Tom Lehrer’s tribute to American interventionism, and also a very catchy song.
Aside from this Onion article, I could find no information about the alleged Stretch Armstrong recall, so I suspect that story may in fact be apocryphal. -J

199 – Space, Geeks, and Gaveedra Seven

May 27, 2018 Jay 35 comments

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In which Shattershot is definitely better than the Cold War; Beast X-plains the X-teams; Cyclops is a tired babysitter; sustenance is not frivolous; Jim Henson is the hero that Mojoworld needs; Shatterstar is not a great head of state; it’s hard to be Val Cooper; and Cable has definitely figured out how to take you (yes, YOU) out.

X-PLAINED:

Astra
Content-to-story ratio
The Mojoverse (more) (again)
Longshot
Shatterstar (Gaveedra Seven)
Spiral (Ricochet Rita)
Arize
X-Men Annual #1
Uncanny X-Men Annual #16
X-Factor Annual #10
X-Force Annual #1
A pivotal battle
Mujahideen
A callback
Several denizens of Mojoworld
X-Team disambiguation
The Death Sponsors
A dubious solution to the Kobayashi Maru scenario
Whether Arize is a mutant
Telepathic favoritism
Spiral’s origin story
A new regime
Earth-84309
Powerpax (Frankie Power)
Darkchild
Cyberlock
A metasingularity
A large number of back-up features
The X-Men’s top ten enemies
Amalgam (but not that one)
Darick Robertson’s juvenilia
The return of Taki
The Cable Protocols
Brazilian Marvel characters
Our feelings about Laura Kinney’s backstory

NEXT EPISODE: Louise Simonson

CORRECTION: BonziBuddy was not released until 1999. We regret the error.

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 184 – Sweetcakes

February 11, 2018 Jay 3 comments

Listen to the episode here!

For all its flaws, this arc has its moments. Here is one of them. (The Incredible Hulk #390)

Also, let’s all take a moment to admire Rick Jones’s impeccable early-’90s fashion sense. (The Incredible Hulk #390)

And good times were had by all. (The Incredible Hulk #391)

One more Rick Jones fashion moment for the road. (The Incredible Hulk #391)

That’s kind of ingenious, actually. (The Incredible Hulk #391)

Welcome to the deeply depressing main event. (X-Factor #76)

“You can tell, because of his mustache.” (X-Factor #76)

You’d think gods would have less generic armor. (X-Factor #76)

And then Rahne did some killing. (X-Factor #76)

There is literally no good reason to have this in the story; but then, there’s literally no good reason for most of this story. (The Incredible Hulk #391)

“Good talk! So, back to paternalistic interference?” (The Incredible Hulk #392)

How does that… Why would you even… (The Incredible Hulk #392)

That panel in the middle, tho. (The Incredible Hulk #392)

Larry Stroman is back, and everything will be okay, except I guess for a lot of things, because this is a superhero comic. But still! Larry Stroman is back! (X-Factor #77)

Remember that time the Mutant Liberation Front looked legitimately and ironically awesome? Because that happened. (X-Factor #77)

At least Vic Chalker died as he lived: in a large robot suit. (X-Factor #77)

Not technically the most dangerous game, but definitely not recommended. (X-Factor #77)

RAHNE’S HAIR IS SO COOL (X-Factor #77)

X-Factor’s modular uniforms are really rad. Good job, Val. (X-Factor #78)

Know what else is rad? Tempo. Tempo is rad as hell and deserves so much better than the MLF. (X-Factor #78)

Maybe this is the explanation for everyone’s weird eye spots? (X-Factor #78)

[Insert canned laughter here.] (X-Factor #78)

Ouch. (X-Factor #78)

NEXT EPISODE: Tom Taylor and the true meaning of friendship!

184 – Sweetcakes

February 11, 2018 Jay 55 comments

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David is still on vacation. Please enjoy this reasonable gentleman and his fancy accoutrements!

In which the 616 was inside Age of X all along; everyone is very sassy; an attempt at political commentary falls very flat; Wolfsbane kills a straw man; everything is better with Larry Stroman; the Rule of Cool is not transitive; X-Factor Quicksilver is the best Quicksilver; and some allegories are subtler than others.

X-PLAINED:

How to hide a universe
Bees
“War and Pieces”
X-Factor #76-78
The Incredible Hulk #390-392
Open-ended vs. trade pacing
Rick Jones, professional tag-along
Trans-Sabal
The Eisenhower Doctrine
The Reagan Doctrine
The ethics of cannibalism
Fictional pigeon aficionados
As story that isn’t about abortion but is definitely about abortion
X-Factor vs. due process
A very hazardous game of tug-of-war
Gratuitous X-planation
An unnecessary but well-intended rescue attempt
The death of Vic Chalker
Irresponsible parenting
The second generation of mutants

NEXT EPISODE: Tom Taylor talks X-Men Red and All-New Wolverine!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 179 – Sincerely, An Evil Individual

January 7, 2018 Jay 5 comments

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

This really should have been a #1. (X-Factor #71)

If ever a first page set the tone… (X-Factor #71)

I made a list of people who draw Polaris’s hair better than Larry Stroman, and there were no names on it, because no one draws Polaris’s hair better than Larry Stroman. (X-Factor #71)

Cursive! (X-Factor #71)

Team dossiers, and some Twin Peaks name-dropping! (X-Factor #71)

Well, shit. (X-Factor #71)

This gag was pretty much inevitable. (X-Factor #72)

The extremely doomed Professor Vic Chalker. (X-Factor #72)

Poor guy. (X-Factor #72)

THAT CROWD, THO (X-Factor #72)

Aw, Madrox. (X-Factor #72)

So, that happened. (X-Factor #73)

Seriously, there’s just a page and a half, mid-fight, dedicated to gratuitous Rocketeer references. (X-Factor #73)

(Including the plane. Which, yes, is later confirmed to be wood.) (X-Factor #73)

And yet, somehow, it’s STILL better than Alex’s M-Word speech 25 years later. (X-Factor #73)

Remember when Alex Summers had principles? SIGH. (X-Factor #73)

B.D.? I dunno if I see it… (X-Factor #73)

Oh. Yeah, never mind. I see it.

Rahne really looks like she’s here to offer you your heart’s desire in exchange for your heart, or something equally creepy and folklorish. (X-Factor #74)