Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

Tag: piotr rasputin

As Mentioned in Episode 180 – Lawful Badass

3 comments

Listen to the podcast here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
What you see is pretty much what you get. (Uncanny X-Men #281)
Cybernetic fuckboys. Don’t worry, they’re all going to die soon. For now. Mostly. (Uncanny X-Men #281)
That is… certainly some dialogue, there. (Uncanny X-Men #281)
And that’s why she’s the boss. (Uncanny X-Men #281)
“We eat dinner naked. It’s very sexy. And then we do the sexy dishes, sexily.” (Uncanny X-Men #281)
Oh, no! Not Bevatron! (Uncanny X-Men #281)
If you had told me a year ago that there was armor worse than Cameron Hodge’s ruby quartz armor, I would not have believed you. Mea culpa. (Uncanny X-Men #281)
Oh, no, not again. (Uncanny X-Men #281)
OH HELL YES. (Uncanny X-Men #282)
Professor X is kind of a sore winner. (Uncanny X-Men #282)
And then, suddenly, Storm was telekinetic. (Uncanny X-Men #282)
That’s gotta sting. (Uncanny X-Men #282)
“But first, The Very Hungry Caterpillar.” (Uncanny X-Men #282)
Earth-1191 is AMAZING. (Uncanny X-Men #282)
I really want to know if all these criminals dressed up special for the occasion, or if this is just what everyone hangs out looking like in the future. (Uncanny X-Men #282)
ABOUT DAMN TIME. (See what I did, there?) (Uncanny X-Men #282)
“Ha, ha!” (Uncanny X-Men #283)
Aw, this kid. (Uncanny X-Men #283)
“I’m going to the comics shop to cancel my subscription RIGHT NOW!” (Uncanny X-Men #283)
Bishop, I know you come from a difficult timeline, but even you have to appreciate how rad that Walt Simonson Archangel design is. (Uncanny X-Men #283)
Are… Iceman and Colossus levitating? (Uncanny X-Men #283)
This is why we–or at least the Upstarts–can’t have nice things. (Uncanny X-Men #283)
NEXT EPISODE: Guns ‘n’ Pouches!

FURTHER READING, WATCHING, & LISTENING:

180 – Lawful Badass

59 comments

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Android | RSS

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which Jay is deeply invested in The Gifted; Trevor Fitzroy is generally inexcusable; there are a lot of reasons to be uncomfortable in the Hellfire Club; the mix just got altered in this little clambake; Jean Grey (kind of) dies (again); Earth-1191 gives the Age of Apocalypse some glam competition; Lucas Bishop is a pretty decent metaphor for fan culture; everyone is probably Kang the Conqueror; and now Miles really has no excuse for not watching The Prisoner.

X-PLAINED:

  • The Chronomancer and his Chronobots
  • The Gifted
  • Lucas Bishop’s creative origins
  • Trevor Fitzroy
  • Goatee Theory
  • X-Factor #67
  • Uncanny X-Men #281-283
  • Dapper Lesbian Shinobi Shaw
  • A briefly useful mnemonic
  • Cybernetic fuckboys
  • The return of Warren Kenneth Worthington III’s hair
  • Beef and Bevatron
  • The deaths of the Hellions
  • Warhammer
  • Some of the challenges of X-Plaining the ’90s
  • Bringing a knife to a Sentinel fight
  • Bantam
  • A bunch of bad guys from the future
  • Bishop
  • Randall
  • Malcolm
  • Earth-1191
  • The Gamemaster
  • X-Men we’d like to see come out as trans (revisited)
  • Whether either or both of us are Kang the Conquerer

NEXT EPISODE: Pouches and Guns

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 177 – The Less You Know

3 comments

Listen to the podcast here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
Luckily for Terrence, the actual X-Men were ALSO lurking by the playground! (Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men)
“Look, to be honest, several of us are DEFINITELY not trustworthy.” (Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men)
“Also, would you say that your kidneys are in good condition?” (Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men)
BEAST, NO. (Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men)
Gambit is definitely the Least Safe X-Man. (Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men)
So, that’s a thing that exists. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)
Circle of Death time is the best time! (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)
Evolution in action. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)
I absolutely do not believe that you did not see anyone unusual at a state fair. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)
They’re so bad at not being menacing. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)
“He sees you forever and ever, Alan!” (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)
This panel is amazing. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)
“Let us never speak of today again.” (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)
The contents of one of the greatest minds on Earth. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)
This is a fundamentally self-defeating activity page, and also a really boring connect-the-dots puzzle. (The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas)
Let’s just assume that it’s a slow news day. (Smokescreen)
Centaur? Immortal Iron Fist? WHY NOT BOTH? (Smokescreen)
Kids can’t resist a plaid vest. (Smokescreen)
“So… what you’re basically saying is that he’s a teenager?” (Smokescreen)
She still gets taken out like a chump, though. (Smokescreen)
“Hey, wanna see some of his shrink’s notes, while we’re grossly violating his privacy?” (Smokescreen)
MARK TRAIL, NO! (Smokescreen)
oh my god look at this asshole (Smokescreen)
“Tell me, Bret, how much do you know about the migratory patterns of mallard ducks?” (Smokescreen)
That is certainly one way to do a thing. (Smokescreen)
NEXT EPISODE: Giant-Size Winter Special!

FURTHER READING:

  • We don’t know for sure that The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas was heavily influenced by Peter Shaffer’s Equus; but we also don’t know that it wasn’t.

177 – The Less You Know

36 comments

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Android | RSS

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which we discuss several Very Special Issues; the real cautionary tale is not to trust Hank McCoy; horses are vehicles of lies and heartbreak; the X-Men shill for a state fair; whatever you’re doing, Cyclops is here to stop you; smoking is a gateway to some really weird vices; and we want YOU to design the latest X-Men PSA!

X-PLAINED:

  • The alternate-timeline terrible choices of Hank McCoy
  • Our wholly unfounded theories about Spongebob Squarepants
  • Be X-Tra Safe With Blockbuster KidPrint and the X-Men
  • VHS tapes
  • Blockbuster KidPrint
  • Mariano Nicieza
  • Some Fundamental Problems With Superhero PSAs
  • A man who may or may not be D-Man
  • Terrence
  • Why Cable should deliver more PSAs
  • Why D.A.R.E. doesn’t work
  • Varying coherent cautionary tales
  • The Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas
  • A tragic lack of carnies
  • Danny the centaur and his very intense feelings about horses
  • Several exciting attractions at the State Fair of Texas
  • Big Tex
  • Activities
  • Smokescreen
  • Bret Jackson
  • Some of the lesser-known danger of smoking
  • Whether Danny Rand can turn into a centaur
  • Hanging out and other gateways to delinquency
  • The South Side Social Club
  • Jake
  • Etiquette of following teenagers around
  • A villainous plan so ineffective that it’s actually kind of sad
  • X-Men you should hire for your PSAs
  • Our thoughts on the Disney/Fox merger
  • Where to find Bloodstorm
  • Baby Jumping

NEXT EPISODE: Giant-Size Winter Special!

LISTENER CHALLENGE: Send your X-Men PSAs to [email protected] with the subject PSA by December 27!

You can find the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 163 – Shut Up, Conscience

Leave a comment

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
Soviet Plot is my favorite porn mag. (Marvel Comics Presents #10)
In case you were wondering whether this was an Ann Nocenti story: yes. (Marvel Comics Presents #10)
This picnic is terrible. (Marvel Comics Presents #11)
“Just step out back to the kidnap van!” (Marvel Comics Presents #12)
These fuckers are the worst people in the story. (Marvel Comics Presents #13)
Okay, but seriously, I want a fort like this. (Marvel Comics Presents #11)
“We’ll talk about kyriarchy later, kiddo.” (Marvel Comics Presents #13)
“Okay, but… why did you resign?” (Marvel Comics Presents #14)
Oof. (Marvel Comics Presents #14)
In their defense, this is pretty terrifying. (Marvel Comics Presents #15)
If only they’d given him mongoose blood, he could’a gotten super speed! (Marvel Comics Presents #15)
THESE ASSHOLES, SERIOUSLY. (Marvel Comics Presents #15)
“How did your grandpa die, Zackery?” “Narrative necessity.” (Marvel Comics Presents #16)
And then nothing was ever okay again. The end! (Marvel Comics Presents #17)
Cyclops: Still the worst at vacations. (Marvel Comics Presents #17)
Fun fact: the last time Cyclops was actively hallucinating, he kicked Master Mold’s ass. FORESHADOWING? (Marvel Comics Presents #17)
Moira, this is not an acceptable way to science. Who do you think you are, Charles Xavier? (Marvel Comics Presents #18)
Okay, but did you consider that she might be like one of those cool lizards who can run on water? (Marvel Comics Presents #18)
Cyclops may be a jerk to adults, but he’s canonically pretty decent with little kids. (Marvel Comics Presents #18)
…well, fuck. (Marvel Comics Presents #18)
…well, FUCK. (Marvel Comics Presents #19)
Seriously, Dr. Mustache Guy, what the hell is wrong with you? (Marvel Comics Presents #19)
“I need helper robots. I KNOW, I’LL BUILD LITTLE NAKED ALIENS. THAT’LL BE COOL.” (Marvel Comics Presents #19)
More servitors, because if I have to see this nonsense, you do, too. (Marvel Comics Presents #20)
Shut up, Conscience. (Marvel Comics Presents #20)
“Look, they forgot I even EXISTED for three issues!” (Marvel Comics Presents #20)
“But, like, not the person. The concept. But not really in this story. Anyway, you get the idea, right? Right?” (Marvel Comics Presents #20)
This plan is terrible. (Marvel Comics Presents #21)
Aw. That’s… sort of nice? In an about-to-explode kind of way. (Marvel Comics Presents #24)
NEXT EPISODE: The Mutant Revolution, Live at Rose City Comic Con!

LINKS & FURTHER LISTENING

163 – Shut Up, Conscience

23 comments

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Android | RSS

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which Rose City Comic Con was in fact pretty awesome; we return to Marvel Presents; Colossus has a bad day; Ann Nocenti engages in some bipartisan satire; Cyclops has a bad day; Moira MacTaggert gets possessed again; Master Mold is really hard to kill; you should absolutely not send Jay naked leprechaun pictures; sentinels are basically rationalization engines; and that is really not how consciences work.

NOTE: In this episode, we said that the U.S.S.R. dissolved in 1989. That actually happened in 1991.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: THE NYCC PANEL HAS BEEN MOVED. IT IS ON THURSDAY, NOT FRIDAY.

X-PLAINED:

  • Sentinel Aesthetics
  • Prime Sentinels
  • “Colossus: God’s Country”
  • Butt physics
  • The Cold War
  • Colossus’s feelings about porn
  • The Billy Ireland Cartoon Library
  • Some varyingly dubious politics
  • The Cold Warriors
  • Alexander, who is probably not actually either Colonel Sanders or Howard Hughes
  • Bipartisan satire
  • Jay’s grandfather
  • An uncomfortable picnic
  • Limbs
  • Number Six (but not that one)
  • Terrible neighbors
  • “Cyclops: The Retribution Affair”
  • Bobbie and Mary Campbell
  • Master Mold (again)
  • Stephen Lang (again)
  • Servitors
  • A well-honed lobster alert system
  • The Retribution Virus
  • Conscience
  • A terrible party
  • Kitty Pryde’s Gal Pal Squad
  • Community Organizer Magneto

NEXT EPISODE: Live from Rose City Comic Con!

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

152 – Ghosts of Future Present

58 comments

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Android | RSS

Art by David Wynne. Contact David to purchase the original!

In which Franklin Richards makes everything more complicated; Reed Richards is a terrible parent; Days of Future Present is a surprisingly good ghost story; Valeria Richards is awesome (but does not appear in this crossover); everyone’s got hounds these days; Banshee is your sad cyborg dad; Phoenix has a lot of feelings; and X-Factor once again manages to up the ante for child endangerment.

X-PLAINED:

  • Nightcrawler’s brief clerical career
  • Days of Future Present
  • Annuals, in general
  • Some extraordinarily specific Namor headcanon
  • Fantastic Four Annual #23
  • New Mutants Annual #6
  • X-Factor Annual #5
  • Uncanny X-Men Annual #14
  • Franklin Richards
  • Several statuses quo
  • The reproductive potential of Doombots
  • Ms. Marvel (Sharon Ventura)
  • Ahab
  • A Code Red Time Emergency
  • One of Jay’s dream pitches
  • Your sad cyborg dad
  • The worst tea party
  • One hell of a kiss
  • Robocop vs. Terminator

NEXT EPISODE: Excalibur gets eclectic!

The visual companion to this episode will be up later this week.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 151 – Czars of Kung Fu

9 comments

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Contact David to purchase the original!
WELL, THEN. (Uncanny X-Men #264)
“Also, we think they might be slightly evil.” (Uncanny X-Men #264)
Seriously, though, THEY ARE NEVER GOING TO MENTION THE TENTACLES AGAIN. (Uncanny X-Men #264)
But can it teach aerobics? I DON’T THINK SO. (Uncanny X-Men #264)
Wolverine WWII flashbacks are usually pretty fun. (Uncanny X-Men #268)
No, YOU ship it. (Uncanny X-Men #268)
Her hair is so great, though. (Uncanny X-Men #268)
How can one character be so awesome? It seems kind of unfair. (Uncanny X-Men #268)
Don’t fuck with Seraph. She’ll kick your ass and leave you with a blood debt to Viper. (Uncanny X-Men #268)
“Look, it was this or leather pants.” (Uncanny X-Men #268)
It’s fair to assume that whatever Jubilee is doing in the background is roughly a million times more entertaining than whatever’s going on in the A-plot. (Uncanny X-Men #268)
Jim Lee cocktail dresses, topped off with Jim Lee hair. (Uncanny X-Men #268)
It was REALLY HARD to not make this whole visual companion nothing but Jubilee. I hope you appreciate my restraint. (Uncanny X-Men #268)
Remember that time Cap made an awkward pass at Wolverine? (Uncanny X-Men #268)
Come for the broken spine; stay for spoiling the surprise twist! (And yet, somehow, we still love this cover.) (Uncanny X-Men #269)
If I had a dollar for every day I’ve woken up like this… (Uncanny X-Men #269)
In which Jim Lee does a pretty solid Barry Windsor Smith. (Uncanny X-Men #269)
“Now put on some damn pants and fight me!” (Uncanny X-Men #269)
“But you’re… you’re so evil! And sexy!” (Uncanny X-Men #269)
Well, that explains a thing or two. (Uncanny X-Men #269)
It’s really not the Savage Land without a sexy montage. (Uncanny X-Men #269)
Okay. This looks bad. (Uncanny X-Men #269)
It’s easy to make fun of this page, but at the same time, it’s really damn cool. (Uncanny X-Men #269)
Lila Cheney: falls into the heart of a sun, comes back more stylin’ than ever! (Uncanny X-Men #269)
NEXT EPISODE: Days of Future Present!

LINKS & FURTHER READING

151 – Czars of Kung Fu

21 comments

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Android | RSS

Art by David Wynne. Contact David to purchase the original!

In which Laura easily is worth a dozen Old Mans Logan; Charlotte Jones is the EveryCop; Genosha remains a fairly versatile allegory; Hydra are totally Nazis; Jubilee gets the best sound effects; Rogue has a bad day; and it’ll take more than a sun to stop Lila Cheney.

X-PLAINED:

  • Graydon Creed
  • Logan oversaturation (more) (again)
  • Uncanny X-Men #264, 268, 269
  • A somewhat convoluted status quo
  • Death by Derrida
  • New York’s sewers (kind of) (maybe)
  • The Misty Knight rule
  • Jackets of the ’90s
  • Cap’s cape
  • Mustache metaphysics
  • The Press Gang (again)
  • VR.5
  • The Doctrine of Hot Pursuit
  • Dazzler, in handy grenade form
  • A prescient scenario
  • Jim Lee signature cocktail dresses
  • A dubious approach to first aid
  • Wolverine’s sexy friends
  • Nazi ducks
  • Seraph
  • Ivan Petrovitch
  • Sexy subversion
  • Rogue vs. Carol Danvers
  • Mutants vs. the Terrigen Mists
  • TaXonomy of ambiguously X-characters

NEXT EPISODE: Days of Future Present!

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 148 – That’s So Ravens

4 comments

Listen to the podcast here.

Bernard the Poet, you’ve changed! And we’re terrified! (X-Factor #54)
“Warren, be a good boy and you’ll get a prize after the appointment!” (X-Factor #54)
This image really shouldn’t work as well as it does. (X-Factor #54)
It’s a vampire dress! You know, for vampires! (X-Factor #54)
X-Factor in a single panel. (X-Factor #54)
Jeez, devouring people’s souls isn’t enough – you have to be all mean-girls about it too? (X-Factor #56)
The phrase ‘costume drama’ has never been quite so literal. (X-Factor #56)
Miles has never been hospitalized and is pretty sure this right here is just sort of how it goes. (X-Factor #56)
This is basically what that Azrael guy from 90s Batman was hoping to be, right? (X-Factor #56)
“We just got back from our aerobics class and didn’t have time to change. So, what’s up?” (X-Factor #56)
Suddenly, green guys! Nice work, Andy Kubert. (X-Factor #57)
I wish Crimson wore this costume more in this arc. (X-Factor #57)
Accidental bank robbery: one of Jay’s favorite tropes. Also, the whole mirror thing is drawn really nicely. (X-Factor #57)
WELL THAT’S LEGITIMATELY TERRIFYING (X-Factor #57)
“Illusion, Michael.” (X-Factor #57)
“Vampire dress, dilapidated theater, occult trappings – check. Let’s get this LARP night started!” (X-Factor #58)
Surprise, kid! Your mom’s a liar and also kidnapped! (X-Factor #58)
Man, nobody ever invites us to these parties. (X-Factor #58)
So much is happening in this panel! (X-Factor #58)
Charlotte Jones is the hero we need. (X-Factor #58)
Jeez, guys! Knock first! (X-Factor #59)
Charlotte’s mother-in-law is basically the greatest. (X-Factor #59)
“This… this is how parenting works, right?” (X-Factor #59)
God, that last panel. Perfect. (X-Factor #59)
WOOOOO SPRING BREAK (X-Factor #59)
Next time: Old Man Logan.