Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

Tag: Phoenix

As Mentioned in Episode 299 – Toaster Ovens of the Gods

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For full effect, there really needs to be an inset panel of Storm mugging at the reader. (What If? vol. 2 #77)
Forge is a JERK. (What If? vol. 2 #77)
What the hell kind of weird drills does this universe have? (What If? vol. 2 #77)
It’s weird that there’s a universe where both of these kids exist. (What If? vol. 2 #77)
I wonder if the Phoenix designs new costumes every time; and, if so, what its aesthetic phases have been. (What If? vol. 2 #77)
Is this page foreshadowing a Days of Future Past-style dystopia? Discuss. (What If? vol. 2 #77)
No, seriously, he JUST KEEPS SAYING IT. (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
That hair. (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
Brother Voodoo X-Plains the premise. (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
Uncalled for, Ben. (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
Damnit, Nate. (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
Just had to work it in again, huh? (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
The costume just isn’t the same without metal wings. (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
DAMNIT, NATE. (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
Why does Magneto look kind of like Keanu Reeves here? (What If? vol. 2 #81)
The more I look at the art from this issue, the angrier I get about it. (What If? vol. 2 #81)
[cries in comics editor] (What If? vol. 2 #81)
Galactus is a poet, and he didn’t even know it! (He knew it.) (What If? vol. 2 #81)
Relatable sentiment. (What If? vol. 2 #81)
Hello, mid-1990s CG. You… sure do exist. (What If? vol. 2 #81)
NEXT EPISODE: The end of a world. (Also, #300? So, that’s a thing.)

LINKS & FURTHER HYPOTHETICALS

299 – Toaster Ovens of the Gods

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In which some universes are more pleasant than others; Havok is basically a Care Bear; Wolverine is a P.R. nightmare; Nate Grey tries; stealth is not among the Silver Surfer’s strengths; Night Thrasher ascends to godhood; Jay and Miles dive down the What If rabbit hole.

X-PLAINED:

  • Earth-200500 (again)
  • Earth-42409
  • What If? vol. 2 #77
  • What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse
  • What If? vol. 2 #81
  • Earth-77995
  • Fashion editorials
  • One of the worse versions of Forge
  • Superheroes x fashion
  • Care Bears vs. X-Men
  • The Hellfire Club of Earth-77995
  • A surprisingly normal Grey-Summers family
  • Several uses for the Phoenix Force
  • Worst-case scenarios
  • Earth-93074
  • Savage Land home ec
  • Bad choices
  • The Defenders of Earth-93074
  • How to manipulate Nate Grey
  • Narrative benefits of omnipotence
  • A time loop
  • Earth-9601
  • A meeting on the moon
  • What the Watcher watches
  • Galactus
  • The Silver Surfer
  • Grandpa Magneto
  • Some remarkable technology
  • A heavy-handed metaphor
  • Our takes on What If scenarios
  • The Corbeau-Grey scale of decision making
  • Storm’s eyes
  • Our character voices

NEXT EPISODE: X-Men Omega

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop! This June, we’ll be donating all of the profits to Trans Lifeline!

As Mentioned in Episode 256 – Mullets of Time and Space

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
Always aspire to a higher level of time paradox! (Excalibur #75)
How much extra creepiness does this already creepy scene get from the bolding of “his”? (Excalibur #75)
It’s his girlfriend. He called and asked her to come over. There is literally no reason that this should be so mysterious and pseudo-suspenseful. (Excalibur #75)
You do you, Amanda. (Excalibur #75)
PITCH: “What if only Captain Britain’s arms had returned from the timestream?” (Excalibur #75)
If you need me, I will be over here having FEELINGS about the lack of official acknowledgement of this relationship. (Excalibur #75)
“I was going to have some really dubious facial hair.” (Excalibur #75)
This better be worth it. (Excalibur #75)
[Ron Howard narrator voice] It was not worth it. (Excalibur #75)
GET IT? GET IT? GET IT? (Excalibur #75)
I hope you’re happy in the life you’ve chosen for yourself. (Excalibur #76)
“I mean, for some value of the term.” (Excalibur #76)
Well, that’s portentous. (Excalibur #76)
This is UNQUESTIONABLY the face of a man who has attempted to eat a toaster, a tube of lipstick, and several telephones. (Excalibur #76)
Nightcrawler, in his moppet days. (Excalibur #76)
I don’t understand D’Spayre’s torso muscles; and, frankly, I don’t care to. (Excalibur #76)
SEE WHAT I MEAN?! (Excalibur #77)
D’Spayre’s only weaknesses are joy and, by remarkable coincidence, children named Amil. (Excalibur #77)
WHAT?! (Excalibur #77)
The cutest pin-up. (Excalibur #77)
NEXT EPISODE: The adventures of Rachel Summers in the 37th Century!

LINKS & FURTHER LISTENING:

256 – Mullets of Time and Space

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which you raised a lot of money for Trans Lifeline; we continue to miss Alan Davis; Rory Campbell should not be narrating a climactic event; Daytripper needs to dial up her eldritch patter; the universe is dubiously self-correcting; Britannic is not nearly weird enough; and we have ongoing concerns about the anatomy of incarnate concepts.

X-PLAINED:

  • The X-Men of Earth-77995
  • Excalibur #75-77
  • Daytripper
  • A somewhat pointless sacrifice
  • Rough times in the timestream
  • Britannic
  • X-theology
  • D’Spayre’s butt
  • The rest of D’Spayre
  • Margali Szardos
  • The blood-brain barrier
  • Acrobatic flirtation
  • The Winding Way
  • Stark emptiness
  • A shocking possible resurrection
  • Major X
  • Essential characters

NEXT EPISODE: The Adventures of Rachel Summers in the 37th Century!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

As Mentioned in Episode 254 – Carry Each Other

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
All these years, Miles thought he was quoting Jean Grey, but it turned out to be Oscar Wilde. AS USUAL. (X-Men: The Wedding Album)
“Dammit, Logan never made me talk about feelings!” (X-Men: The Wedding Album)
Green ain’t your color anyway, kid. (X-Men: The Wedding Album)
I love every aspect of this segment except for every aspect of its format. Except the Jubilee silhouette at the top, that part’s pretty cool. (X-Men: The Wedding Album)
Ian Churchill, please draw more things. (X-Men: The Wedding Album)
Jean’s had tentacles for arms, so I guess legs like that aren’t that weird. (X-Men: The Wedding Album)
At last, indeed. (X-Men #30)
“I’m the best there is at what I do, and what I do is write real pretty.” (X-Men #30)
Oh god Excalibur #75 comes right after this (X-Men #30)
Aww, these guys. (X-Men #30)
Keep this panel in case you ever need to tie a bow tie! (X-Men #30)
Everyone. (X-Men #30)
These two. (X-Men #30)
Perfect vows, part 1. (X-Men #30)
Perfect vows, part 2. (With bonus second-best-kiss-ever.) (X-Men #30)
See? It is wholly appropriate, Bono. (X-Men #30)
Let’s just not think about how Logan wrote that. (X-Men #30)
Family. (X-Men #30)
Dammit, Rogue! (X-Men #30)
Double dammit, Gambit! (X-Men #30)
Tears every time. (X-Men #30)
Scott’s only been married a few hours and he’s already so much better at feelings! (X-Men #30)
You’re right, Kitty! Reality does bite! (X-Men: The Wedding Album)
Warren Kenneth Worthington III, this is not the time or place! At all! (X-Men: The Wedding Album)
Shatterstar tries. (X-Men: The Wedding Album)
Sean Cassidy: banned from every karaoke bar on the east coast. (X-Men: The Wedding Album)
Kurt’s still got it. Obviously. (X-Men: The Wedding Album)
NEXT EPISODE: Well, at least the cover’s sparkly.

254 – Carry Each Other

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which Nicole Miller is fashion designer to Earth-1218 and Earth-616, Jay rejects the word “bestest”, we kind of want to just read every word of X-Men #30 aloud, One is a perfect wedding song for Scott and Jean, and you save the last dance for who brought you.

X-PLAINED:

  • The perils of animated weddings
  • X-Men: The Wedding Album
  • Nonstandard trim sizes
  • Misattributed Oscar Wilde quotes
  • Shatterstar’s favorite Olympic event
  • Jean Grey’s short-lived modeling career
  • Computo, Commander of the Robot Hive
  • A most excellent wedding dress
  • Cursive fonts in comics
  • Jean Grey and Jubilation Lee, ambiguously excellent chosen family
  • X-Men #30
  • An event decades in the making
  • Wolverine, Master of Penmanship
  • Charles Xavier, reader stand-in
  • The largely forgotten Madelyne Pryor
  • The understandably tentative Rachel Summers
  • The bow-tie scene
  • A phenomenal two-page spread
  • A set of perfect vows
  • A bittersweet song for a bittersweet couple
  • Victor Creed, vengeful kitty-cat
  • Rogue and Gambit, best worst wedding guests
  • Video albums vs. Instagram
  • Beast and Banshee, jazz combo
  • Scott and Jean as a couple vs. individuals
  • The necessity of Scott and Jean’s relationship context

NEXT EPISODE: Goodbye, Phoenix. Hello, Britanic.

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, or your favorite podcatcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

As Mentioned in Episode 253 – Autumn in the Uncanny Valley

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
Aw, these kids. (Uncanny X-Men #208)
THEY’RE SO BAD AT BEING PEOPLE AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. (Uncanny X-Men #208)
I also love them. (Uncanny X-Men #208)
Really, this is one of those issues that just makes me want the X-Men to always be happy and never have to do any superhero stuff. (Uncanny X-Men #208)
Fucking hawks, always poaching passes on the gridiron. (Uncanny X-Men #208)
Jean “Grab fate by the throat and hold on until it stops moving” Grey. (Uncanny X-Men #208)
What do YOU think Jean is saying here? Fill in her word balloon for a chance to, I dunno, I guess we could publish a gallery of them? (Uncanny X-Men #208)
The second scariest face in this issue. (Uncanny X-Men #208)
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE (Uncanny X-Men #208)
Excellent use of ironic juxtaposition, there. (Uncanny X-Men #208)
It’s very text-heavy in Charles Xavier’s brain. (Uncanny X-Men #209)
“Now, let’s talk about my silvery mane.” (Uncanny X-Men #209)
I bet he wouldn’t be so depressed if he knew how good his depression beard looked! (Uncanny X-Men #209)
WHY DOES NOBODY IN THIS UNIVERSE HAVE APPROPRIATE PROFESSIONAL BOUNDARIES?! (Uncanny X-Men #209)
Version 1. (Uncanny X-Men #209)
Version 2. (Uncanny X-Men #209)
Ah, there it is. (Uncanny X-Men #209)
“Funny, I don’t remember that day being quite so caption-heavy.” (Uncanny X-Men #210)
“Later, we’re all going to go break into the zoo and flash the zebras. Trust us. It’s TRADITION.” (Uncanny X-Men #210)
Not a lot, Carl. Not a lot. (Uncanny X-Men #210)
“Look, Nathan, this is basically how we bond in my family.” (Uncanny X-Men #210)
He just hangs out in that position. (Uncanny X-Men #210)
“Let’s see. I went after a man in hospice care and got my ass kicked. What’s even lower-hanging fruit?” (Uncanny X-Men #210)
I can’t stop imagining them having to bat those captions out of the way as they run forward. (Uncanny X-Men #210)
He looks so mad about it! (Uncanny X-Men #210)
NEXT EPISODE: Obviously.

LINKS & FURTHER HEADLINES

253 – Autumn in the Uncanny Valley

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which an engagement begins; Jean Grey’s Walden Puddle counterpart is definitely Nicole; Cyclops is the telepathic equivalent of a pit trap with spikes at the bottom; Charles Xavier’s subconscious is very dialogue-heavy; nobody ever has appropriate professional boundaries; Cable dabbles in passive aggression; and the best is yet to come.

X-PLAINED:

  • Some of Blaquesmith’s recent activities
  • Uncanny X-Men #308-310
  • A very sweet retcon
  • Thanksgiving “traditions”
  • How to scare crows
  • Emplates
  • Feelings and telepathy
  • A proposal
  • A misprint
  • Thanksgiving at the Xavier School
  • A somewhat alarming manifestation of a conscience
  • The lies Charles Xavier tells himself
  • Xavier’s depression beard
  • The evolution of Amelia Voght
  • Angry Claremontean Narrator: The Movie
  • The anticlimactic return of Carl “X-Cutioner” Denti
  • An unexpected resolution
  • Foreshadowing
  • Trans voices in the larger comics conversation

NEXT EPISODE: The wedding!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, or your favorite podcatcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

HAPPY PRIDE! This month, we’re donating all of the proceeds from our TeePublic shopto Trans Lifeline!

As Mentioned in Episode 252 – Snakes on a Trolley

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
TBH, this candle situation was basically how Jay decorated his room in the ’90s, too. (X-Factor #97)
“Also, the hand of orbital lasers.” (X-Factor #97)
I love this panel so much. (X-Factor #97)
SERIOUSLY THOUGH SHE HAS ORBITAL LASERS (X-Factor #97)
Spoiler: both of these dudes spend this arc being nonstop awful. (X-Factor #97)
“Antici– (X-Factor #98)
–pation!” (X-Factor #98)
Meanwhile, in a nearby Ralph Bakshi movie. (X-Factor #98)
Aw, Jamie. (X-Factor #98)
Haven’s real superpower is her AMAZING HAIR. (X-Factor #98)
Forge, fuck off. Lorna is literally the only competent member of X-Factor, including you. (X-Factor #99)
The snake shoes, in all their structurally questionable glory! (X-Factor #99)
Aw, Rahne. (X-Factor #99)
Aw, Rahne! (X-Factor #99)
I feel vaguely that I should be making a “what does G-d need with a starship” joke here, but frankly, Star Trek V doesn’t deserve the nod. (X-Factor #100)
Don’t tell them that. Never tell them that. (X-Factor #100)
You see what I mean about the captions, though, right? (X-Factor #100)
This is basically Jay’s morning routine. (X-Factor #100)
Aw, Jamie. (X-Factor #100)
It’s okay; he’ll be back eventually, mostly, probably. (X-Factor #100)
And now, an out-of-context infomercial-style tag! (X-Factor #100)
NEXT EPISODE: Haven’t we been here before?

LINKS & FURTHER MODES OF TRANSPORTATION

 

 

 

 

252 – Snakes on a Trolley

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which Miles invokes Freddie Mercury; Polaris is more competent than the rest of X-Factor put together; Armageddon theology does not intersect well with superpowers (or politics, or anything else); Val joins a cult (kind of); Random joins the team (kind of); Haven is a surprisingly nonviolent mass-murderer; Havok is confused by women; and good guys don’t have orbital lasers.

X-PLAINED:

  • Hope across the multiverse
  • X-Factor #97-100
  • Haven (Radha Dastoor)
  • Man, Mutant, and the New Humanity
  • A very fashionable outfit
  • One of the greatest Marvel art submissions of all time
  • Trinket the cat
  • Catalogs
  • A dramatic entrance
  • Mahapralaya (kind of)
  • Jamie Madrox vs. Jamie Madrox vs. the Legacy Virus
  • The Trolley Problem
  • Possession
  • Orbital lasers as a metric of morality
  • Monsoon (Aloba Dastoor)
  • The apparent death of Jamie Madrox
  • Our favorite takes on the Phoenix
  • Who our X-Universe counterparts should be

NEXT EPISODE: A very short engagement!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, or your favorite podcatcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

HAPPY PRIDE! This month, we’re donating all of the proceeds from our TeePublic shop to Trans Lifeline!