Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

Tag: Phoenix

48 – Guitar Solos of the Gods

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Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 3/22/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 3/22/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.

In which Asgardian Wars occupies the precise intersection of Miles’s favorite things; Marvel Asgard is your favorite metal album; no one appreciates Cypher; Wolfsbane gets some action; Warlock gets meta; Cannonball is a catch; Rachel Summers gets a new costume; Loki does Shakespeare; and Rachel overthinks Leverage.

X-PLAINED:

  • Various Mjolnirs and their attendant powers
  • Asgardian Wars
  • New Mutants Special Edition #1
  • X-Men Annual #9
  • The Surtwar
  • Art Adams
  • Amora the Enchantress
  • Lorelei
  • Several pop culture cameos
  • A really dubious beach party
  • The Viking Sorceress Asgardian Portrait of Dorian Grey
  • Ed Grimley
  • Hrimhari
  • Wolf makeouts
  • The Marvel version of Norse mythology
  • The Warriors Three
  • Rule #1 of dealing with fairies
  • A hawk ‘hawk
  • Valkyries
  • Einherjar
  • A costume in somewhat questionable taste
  • Interdimensional lightning-bolt mixology
  • Our favorite Thor story, ever
  • How to get your friends and neighbors into comics
  • Asgardian mutants (or lack thereof)
  • X-Leverage cross-casting

NEXT WEEK: Longshot!

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Support us on Patreon!

Buy prints of this week’s illustration at our shop, or contact David Wynne for the original!

As Mentioned in Episode 47 – The Price of Power

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Listen to the episode here!

Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 3/15/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.
“Is this foreshadowing?”

“Nah. Just a book recommendation.”

“Because it really sounds like foreshadowing, Sam.”

“Former X-Man, huh?”

(X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)

Well, that escalated quickly. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
Someone needs to sit Rachel Summers down for a long and serious conversation about proportional force. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
WHOOPS. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU: DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO!” (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
Those That Sit Above In Shadow. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
Seriously, though, don’t do that shit. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
“Think there’s a twist? “Nah.” (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
A) Scott looks like a doof without his glasses. B) I wonder if Marvel got a lot of pissed off letters about his eyes changing color in this issue. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
“We all got superpowers, but the important part is the AMAZING OUTFITS.” (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
WELL THAT COULD BE LESS AWKWARD. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
SUPER not cool, Xavier. Also: Remember when Scott’s eyes were blue like five pages ago? ‘CAUSE THE COLORIST DOESN’T! *rimshot* (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
I know they all gave the powers back at the end, but I really don’t see why Heather couldn’t have remade this outfit and then worn it ALL THE TIME, because it is awesome. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
THAT CAT, THOUGH. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
Aw, Snowbird. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
There have been near-infinite variations on this gag, and they’re never not great. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
Aw, Jean-Paul. Your team is kind of awful. I mean, so are you, but still. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
COLD, Wolverine. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
Well, shit. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
OH, THAT EXPLAINS SOME THINGS. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
This is about as close as the Summers family ever seems to come to healthy communication, so enjoy it while it lasts. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
I don’t care if they’re not costumes. DRINK ANYWAY. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 2, #1)
Throughout this story, Nightcrawler seems to be in a different genre than the rest of the cast. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 2, #1)
Can’t you just picture John Cassady physically crossing this spread off his bucket list? (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 2, #2)
Also this panel. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 2, #2)
Alberta, in case you were wondering–just a little south of Calgary. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 2, #2)
NEXT WEEK: Asgardian Wars!

Many thanks to Emergency Backup Co-Host and Alpha Flight X-Pert (is there an Alpha-Flight-appropriate portmanteau for that?) Elisabeth Allie! Go check out Elisabeth’s blog, and follower her on Twitter!

47 – The Price of Power (feat. Elisabeth Allie)

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Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 3/15/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 3/15/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.

In which Emergency Backup Co-Host Elisabeth Allie saves the day; the Berserkers are not the breakout hit you’ve been waiting for; Paul Smith continues to be awesome; nothing good ever happens in the Danger Room; Charles Xavier dabbles in cosplay; Nightcrawler has serious hat game; Rachel Summers lacks healthy coping skills; your life would be way more epic if Claremont narrated it; Northstar is a surprisingly good prom date; Loki is a total dick; and Longshot is totally Miles’s favorite.

X-PLAINED:

  • Madelyne Pryor
  • X-Men/Alpha Flight vols. 1&2
  • The Berserkers
  • An unconventional model of family therapy
  • Aggressive foreshadowing
  • NPC dialogue
  • Jazzercise superheroes
  • Superhero color theory
  • Sasquatch
  • Aurora
  • Those Who Sit Above in Shadow
  • Norse fashion of the ‘80s
  • Very specific superpowers
  • Some sweet boots
  • The price of power
  • A deus ex machina squared
  • Kitty and Piotr’s first date
  • Snowbird’s powers
  • Miles’s favorite X-Man

NEXT WEEK: Asgardian Wars!

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Support us on Patreon!

Buy prints of this week’s illustration at our shop, or contact David Wynne for the original!

As Mentioned in Episode 43 – It’s Not a Secret If It’s in the Title

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Art by David Wynne. Prints, cards, and travel mugs available until 2/15/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.
Heroes! (Secret Wars #1)
Villains! (Secret Wars #1)
Battleworld! (Secret Wars #1)
“Also, we’ll totally show up DC and Kenner!” (Secret Wars #1)
Doctor Doom: ever the opportunist. (Secret Wars #1)
This is the best panel of Secret Wars. You can stop reading now. (Secret Wars #1)
DON’T HELP DOCTOR DOOM UP. (Secret Wars #1)
“Damn,” thinks Doom, “If I could do that, those jerky heroes would NEVER have offered to help me up.” (Secret Wars #2)
So, yeah, that happens. (Secret Wars #3)
Johnny Storm: The smoothest man in the Marvel Universe. Also, this raises some questions. Why not spell out “four”? Does he pronounce it differently? Make a hand signal? IT’S A MYSTERY. (Secret Wars #4)
How did this get past the CCA? Who the hell knows. (Secret Wars #5)
Man, if I got super high with a guy I was into and then hallucinated Secret Wars, that would pretty much be the end of that relationship. (Secret Wars #5)
“Ohhhhh, the OTHER Spider-Woman.” (Secret Wars #7)
‘Kay. (Secret Wars #8)
Meet Klaw. (Secret Wars #9)
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY THIS CAN POSSIBLY END POORLY. (Secret Wars #10)
Yeah, Colossus, but would you tumble 4 her? (Secret Wars #11)
Seriously, did these guys learn NOTHING from the Cold War? (Secret Wars #11)
Okay, that’s legitimately a pretty cool gimmick. (Secret Wars #12)
MEET YOUR PROTAGONIST. (Secret Wars II #1)
Stewart “Unflattering Caricature of Steve Gerber” Cadwall. (Secret Wars II #1)
Wellp. (Secret Wars II #1)
He’s never actually seen food, but damnit, he’s played River City Ransom! (Secret Wars II #2)
Can you imagine being any of the people the Beyonder interacts with? (Secret Wars II #2)
Remember that time Peter Parker had to teach a cosmic entity to poop? BECAUSE THAT CERTAINLY HAPPENED. (Secret Wars II #2)
Seriously, it’s all downhill from here. (Secret Wars II #2)
This will propel the plot of like two months of other comic books. Not even joking. (Secret Wars II #2)
So, then that happens. (Secret Wars II #3)
There is literally no romantic or sexual relationship in this series that is okay by any reasonable definition. Also note that AMAZING block of “next issue” text. (Secret Wars II #4)
Boom-Boom is the hands-down best thing to come out of Secret Wars II. (Secret Wars II #5)
Jim Shooter’s X-Men: “Mutant kid in need? NAH, LET’S KILL A DUDE!” (Secret Wars II #5)
Even the Thing is having trouble maintaining enthusiasm for this debacle. (Secret Wars II #7)
This is roughly how Rachel imagines Marvel Editorial circa 1985.
Reasonable. (Secret Wars II #8)
The Beyonder: Definitely a really sympathetic protagonist. (Secret Wars II #8)
GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. (Secret Wars II #8)
Remember this, because it will have hella repercussions down the line. (Secret Wars II #9)
Ah, Molecule Man, one of the unforgettable heavy-hitters of the Marvel Universe. (Secret Wars II #9)
Remember that time a bunch of heroes saved the universe by murdering a baby? (Secret Wars II #9)
NEXT WEEK: Legion, with Si Spurrier!

 

43 – It’s Not a Secret If It’s in the Title

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Art by David Wynne. Prints, cards, and travel mugs available until 2/15/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.
Art by David Wynne. Prints, cards, and travel mugs available until 2/15/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.

In which we cover 21 issues in one episode; Secret Wars is a toy commercial; Jim Shooter’s X-Men are not the X-Men to which we are accustomed; Doctor Doom makes a surprisingly benevolent god; Secret Wars II is neither secret nor a war; The Beyonder learns to poop; and Boom-Boom is the best thing to come out of Secret Wars.

X-Plained:

  • Secret Wars
  • The not-particularly-secret origin of Secret Wars
  • Binary morality
  • Battleworld
  • The Wrecking Crew
  • Klaw
  • The Beyonder
  • Molecule Man
  • Doki-Doki Universe
  • Titania and Volcana
  • Zsaji
  • Secret Wars II
  • The Passion of Jim Shooter
  • Stewart Cadwall
  • What people do
  • Tie-ins
  • Pooping
  • What it means to be Spider-Man
  • Boom-Boom (Tabitha Smith)
  • The time a bunch of superheroes saved the universe by killing a baby

NEXT WEEK: Legion, with Si Spurrier!

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Support us on Patreon!

Buy prints of this week’s illustration at our shop, or contact David Wynne for the original!

As Mentioned in Episode 33 – Crossoverload

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Art by David Wynne! Prints here, or contact David for the original.
There is a lot going on in The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans.
The best thing about Metron is that his eyebrows are part of his costume. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Things we never get tired of: Cyclops using his powers to cheat at pool. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Darkseid is Creepy Santa (so, basically, Santa). (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Cyclops has a bad day. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
How Gar manages to get an image that specific from her description remains a mystery. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Flash Fact: Wally West is the best Flash, and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of lies.
Deathstroke the Terminator: the assassin who designed his costume to be as visible as possible against pretty much any backdrop. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
The Greys just CANNOT catch a break. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Simonson doing cosmic Kirby is our jam, now and forever. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Were we less mature and tasteful, this is where we’d put a “butte sex” joke. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Probably not actually the fourth wall. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Oh, that’s not gonna end well. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
TEAM-UP! (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
You know this is the happiest moment of Kitty Pryde’s entire life. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Along with fire and life, slightly creepy Cyclops feels are a running Phoenix Force motif. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Can we talk about how very much better this Cyclops-as-Phoenix costume is than the AvX version? (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
This isn’t actually all that relevant, but we couldn’t resist one last page of cosmic Simonson art. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
We are pretty into crossovers that come with convenient captioned character guides! (The X-Men and the Micronauts #1)
This is Kitty’s regular Ariel costume, so, no need to drink. Yet. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #1)
Baron Karza is Darth Vader Plus. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #1)
A possibly recognizable villain. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #1)
I’d like to take a moment to point out that the Professor Xavier who is punishing Kitty for thinking too loudly is explicitly good Professor X. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #1)
Action-figure-sized people fighting normal-sized people: NEVER NOT HILARIOUS. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #1)
Look at that snazzy title treatment! (The X-Men and the Micronauts #2)
Okay, that’s extra creepy. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #2)
One of the better pratfall panels. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #2)
Let’s check and see if the action-figures-vs.-full-size-people thing is still funny when the action figures are the good guys. YES. YES, IT IS. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #2)
This conceit really never stops being entertaining. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #2)
Seriously, how the hell did no one see Onslaught coming? (The X-Men and the Micronauts #2)
To be fair, she’s both body-swapped with Baron Karza AND mind-controlled by Evil Professor Xavier. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #3)
“Oh, HELL, yes,” says Kitty. “Cross THAT one off the bucket list.” (The X-Men and the Micronauts #3)
The worst part is that he gets so much creepier. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #3)
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE (The X-Men and the Micronauts #4)
Remember the time Phoenix wiped out one planet, so Jean Grey had to die? Yeah, so do we. Marvel editorial, not so much. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #4)
Modified rule: When someone else in Kitty’s body makes her a new costume, steal someone else’s drink. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #4)
JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO IMAGINE HOW MUCH FUNNIER X-MEN WOULD BE IF THEY’D STAYED SIX INCHES TALL. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #4)
Next week: Captain America in a loincloth!

Links and Further Reading

33 – Crossoverload

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Art by David Wynne! Prints here, or contact David for the original.
Art by David Wynne! Prints here, or contact David for the original.

In which we dive into two crossovers; our DCU is the DCAU; the Greys just cannot catch a break; Darkseid is basically Santa Claus; the Phoenix Force has Cyclops feels; Baron Karza is the sonic screwdriver of supervillains; and the Enigma Force is aptly named.

CONTENT NOTE: The Micronauts portion of this episode involves not-particularly-graphic but still fairly involved discussions of sexual violence. If that’s not something you want to listen to, we’d recommend stopping the episode after the Teen Titans portion at 26:26, and fast-forwarding to 47:52 for conclusions, questions, and outro.

X-Plained:

  • Crossover Earth
  • Amalgam
  • Crossovers
  • The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans
  • The Teen Titans
  • The One True Flash
  • Cosmic Kirby
  • Darkseid
  • Metron
  • The Source Wall
  • Deathstroke the Terminator
  • Ravok
  • Butte sex
  • Cyclops and the Phoenix Force
  • The X-Men and the Micronauts #1-4
  • Bill Mantlo
  • The Hero Initiative
  • Micronauts
  • The Microverse
  • Baron Karza
  • Evil Xavier (more)(again)(seriously, how is anyone still surprised when this happens)
  • Several moral event horizons crossed in quick succession
  • Female protagonists in X-books

Next Week: Captain America in a loincloth!

You can find a visual companion to the episode on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Support us on Patreon!

Buy prints of this week’s illustration here, or contact David Wynne for the original!

As Mentioned in Episode 31 – Chekhov’s Raygun

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Listen to the episode here!

You can get prints of David Wynne’s “Back to the Future Past” art here, or contact David for the original!
This guy.
We searched for the source for this for like an hour, with no luck. Wherever it comes from, we would very much like to send it back. (Update: It’s from X-Factor #69, with art by Whilce Portacio. Thank you, Breadcrumb!)
Rogue, no! He’s not worth it! He’s not even a Super Doctor Astronaut! (Uncanny X-Men #182)
Rogue’s schtick was–very briefly–throwing silver dollars. It did not last. (Uncanny X-Men #182)
Ooh, moral awakening! (Uncanny X-Men #182)
Aw, Kitty. Also, ace tandem use of speech and thought balloons. (Uncanny X-Men #183)
Remember when artists used to draw Wolverine at the proper height? (Uncanny X-Men #183)
SUNDAY PUNCH. Juggernaut, you delightful scamp. (Uncanny X-Men #183)
Wolverine is full of valuable life lessons, a remarkable number of which involve massive real-estate damage. (Uncanny X-Men #183)
Forge’s sweet, sweet pad. (Uncanny X-Men #184)
LOOK AT THIS DELIGHTFUL GENTLEMAN AND HIS DELIGHTFUL SHORTS (Uncanny X-Men #184)
Fun fact: Wolverine and the X-Men Forge is an unsettlingly accurate Miles doppelgänger.
He’s a nice dude. Too bad he’s SUPER DOOMED. (Uncanny X-Men #184)
Pro tip: the better Storm’s haircut, the better the general state of the timeline. (Uncanny X-Men #184)
Rachel Summers: THE SADDEST TIME TRAVELER. (Uncanny X-Men #185)
“What would Dracula do?” (Uncanny X-Men #185)
Well, then. (Uncanny X-Men #185)
And that’s why you always leave a note. (Uncanny X-Men #185)
And now, Barry Windsor Smith! (Uncanny X-Men #186)
God, that opening. (Uncanny X-Men #186)
Storm does not need superpowers to be more badass than you. (Uncanny X-Men #186)
Straight talk. (Uncanny X-Men #186)
In a lot of ways, Storm’s arc over the last twenty or so issues has equipped her with the tools to get through this. (Uncanny X-Men #186)
Straight talk, part two. Love that “Lifedeath” is veyr much a love story that very much doesn’t resolve as such. (Uncanny X-Men #186)
Let’s take a moment to consider the logistics of this kick, shake our heads, and weep quietly. (Uncanny X-Men #187)
SHADOW PTEROSAURS (Uncanny X-Men #187)
Yukio callback! (Uncanny X-Men #187)
The best part is that he dressed up as a pilot, like that will somehow make this less conspicuous. (Uncanny X-Men #187)
Colossus: Terrible boyfriend, pretty great brother. (Uncanny X-Men #187)
As it happens, Magneto’s asteroid got knocked out of orbit by THE BEST SPACE-ROBOT TEENAGER EVER, but we’ll get to that next episode. (Uncanny X-Men #187)
Seriously. Saddest time traveler. (Uncanny X-Men #187)
Next episode: Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.

31 – Chekhov’s Raygun

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Art by David Wynne
Art by David Wynne

In which there is a whole, whole lot going on; we continue to have no use for Michael Rossi; Wolverine should be an advice columnist; Forge makes bold fashion choices; the health of a timeline is directly tied to the awesomeness of Storm’s hair; and the X-Men get their first dark-future refugee.

X-Plained:

  • Dire Wraiths
  • ROM
  • Tailoring
  • Uncanny X-Men #182-188
  • Just how much story can be shoehorned into seven issues
  • A dubious Silent Hill metaphor
  • The people in Rogue’s head
  • Inexorable momentum
  • Several profoundly uncomfortable conversations
  • Parallel narrative in comics
  • Being friends with Wolverine
  • Casual enmity
  • Forge
  • Miles’s X-doppelganger
  • Tiny shorts
  • Chekhov’s Raygun
  • Rachel Summers (again)
  • Timeline disambiguation
  • Rachel disambiguation
  • “Lifedeath: A Love Story”
  • Feelings
  • Storm, powers, and identity
  • X-Men Mad-Libs
  • Hound marks
  • X-Men: The End

Next Week: THE DEMON BEAR SAGA!

You can find a visual companion to the episode – as well as links to recommended reading and the winners of the stealth / plainclothes cosplay contest – on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Support us on Patreon!

As Mentioned in Episode 22 – Through Death and Through Life

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Listen to the episode here!

At some point, someone pointed out that this is technically Anniversary X, and it was a pretty slippery slope from there.
We are aware that our favorite romance has its share of detractors. We don’t care. (Art by David Wynne.)
Actual photograph of Rachel and Miles at their 8th-grade graduation dance. (X-Men #32)
This is literally as explicit a conversation they have about it for… pretty much the entire Silver Age. (X-Men #32)
Proposal #1. Unfortunately, Jean is a) actually the Phoenix Force, and b) about to die on the moon. (Uncanny X-Men #136)
Not directly pertinent, but it’s one of our favorite moments. (Uncanny X-Men #137)
Scott saying goodbye to Jean immediately before marrying Madelyne Pryor. That really, really didn’t work out, but we like the sentiment–that “true love” doesn’t always have to mean “one true love.” (Uncanny X-Men #175)
Scott doesn’t actually work out that Madelyne and Jean are identical until X-Factor #14. Headcanon: Hella prosopagnosia.
Scott and Jean are reunited in a panel that appears to have fled from Apartment 3-G to X-Factor #1.
Jean gets Madelyne and Phoenix’s memories–and her own telepathy–back. (X-Factor #38)
Proposal #2. (X-Factor #53)
Jean’s response. (X-Factor #53)
“Fatal Attractions” was a rough time for everyone, but probably worst for Wolverine. (X-Men vol. 2 #75)
Proposal #3, guest-starring John Romita, Jr.’s profoundly alarming faces. (Uncanny X-Men #308)
Fate can go fuck itself. Damn, we love these two. (Uncanny X-Men #308)
There is probably no other panel from the entire 50 years of X-Men that we’ve sent back and forth more than this one. (Uncanny X-Men #308)
He’s actually fighting some dude who broke into the X-mansion and bonding with his time-displaced kid, but the basic principle of failing-at-bachelor-party still stands. (Uncanny X-Men #310)
And now, the main event. (X-Men vol. 2 #30)
Andy Kubert x body language. (X-Men vol. 2 #30)
Charles Xavier of X-Men vol. 2 #30 is the best Charles Xavier.
He also has the best timing. (X-Men vol. 2 #30)
Look at all those X-Men. (X-Men vol. 2 #30)
Can we have a moment of silent appreciation for the fact that Storm managed to find a dress that perfectly encapsulates the 1990s? (X-Men vol. 2 #30)
Best vows? Best vows. (X-Men vol. 2 #30)
Scott, Jean, we’re gonna let you finish… (X-Men vol. 2 #30)
…but Rogue and Gambit’s kiss in X-Men vol. 2 #41 is the best kiss in X-Men.
September 4, 2014.

Links:

NEXT WEEK: Rachel and Miles are going on vacation. Read a book. WEEK AFTER NEXT: The New Mutants!