I can summarize most episodes of X-Men: Evolution from memory, in a fair degree of detail; so it surprised me when, in reviewing the Season 1 roster, I realized I recalled almost nothing of “Survival of the Fittest” beyond the fact that it involved some kind of summer camp scenario. When I started to watch, I realized why: in a season where even the bad episodes are usually entertaining, this one is just boring as all hell.
On my first pass, I stopped taking notes five minutes in, because nothing was happening. By the halfway mark, I was actively fantasizing about watching paint dry.1But I am nothing if not committed, readers. I promised you a recap, and a recap you would have, come hell or high water.
Ah, well. At least I get to judge cartoon teenagers for their fashion choices.
Art by David Wynne. Prints, cards, and travel mugs available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
How you know a psychic event is a big deal: the cross-franchise reaction montage! (X-Factor Annual #3)
Well, that’s certainly one way to stage an intervention. (X-Factor Annual #3)
These delightful scamps. (X-Factor Annual #3)
Warlock, never change. (New Mutants Annual #4)
Can we have a moment of rapt silence for how well June Brigman draws body language? (New Mutants Annual #4)
The High Evolutionary’s head scientist, Stack, appears to be dual-wielding a cane and a staple gun. Because, evolution. (New Mutants Annual #4)
“On Wednesdays, we wear pink.” (New Mutants Annual #4)
Hell, yeah, equal-opportunity battle lingerie! (Well, except for Magneto, but he marches to the beat of his own fuchsia drum.) (New Mutants Annual #4)
Horses: totally the worst. (New Mutants Annual #4)
The scene that blew tiny Miles’s tiny mind. (Uncanny X-Men Annual #12)
AND THAT’S WHY YOU ALWAYS LEAVE A NOTE. (Uncanny X-Men Annual #12)
Man, if we had a dollar for every time that happened… (Uncanny X-Men Annual #12)
POIT: Definitely the cutest sound effect. (Uncanny X-Men Annual #12)
In which Alex comes *this close* to the realization that Charles Xavier is totally a supervillain. (Uncanny X-Men Annual #12)
SURE, WHY NOT? (Uncanny X-Men Annual #12)
Remember the time Storm had adventures on pirate space city on the back of a flying wolf? Because that was definitely a thing that actually happened. (Classic X-Men #22)
Oh, THAT guy. (Uncanny X-Men Annual #12)
I’m not actually certain they ever followed up on this. (Uncanny X-Men Annual #12)
It’s kind of a shame this logo didn’t stick around, because it’s pretty sweet. (Uncanny X-Men Annual #12)
Art by David Wynne. Prints, cards, and travel mugs available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
In which we play Evolutionary War Mad-Libs; it’s probably a bad sign when Apocalypse decides you need an intervention; Dani is (briefly) the new Doug; horses are jerks; it’s probably really dangerous to be Longshot; Storm has the coolest friends; the High Evolutionary is very high indeed; and we make a (very token) nod to Valentine’s Day.
X-PLAINED:
Secret Origins of the High Evolutionary
Evolutionary War
The actual history of eugenics in America
X-Factor Annual #3
New Mutants Annual #4
Uncanny X-Men Annual #12
Classic X-Men #22
Purifiers (but not those purifiers)
Stack
Purge
How to tell when an event has major psychic repercussions
A Silver-Age callback
An Apocalypse-style intervention
Toga Steve (Val-Or)
The return of Bulk and Glow Worm
Equal-opportunity Hellfire lingerie
Mirage’s power upgrade
Miles vs. puberty vs. Uncanny X-Men
The coolest civilization ever
Colossus’s illegitimate kid
The cutest sound effect
Origins of the Scott/Jean/Logan love triangle
Stuff Jay likes and Miles doesn’t
The Elle Collins Theory of Podcast Roles
NEXT EPISODE: Captain Britain!
You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!
Rachel and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
How much do we love this cover? SO MUCH. (Uncanny X-Men #234)
That couple in the background are by far our favorite characters in this arc. (Uncanny X-Men #234)
And again. (Uncanny X-Men #234)
“So, meth, then?” (Uncanny X-Men #234)
Ouch. (Uncanny X-Men #232)
You know that thing where you have a really awful dream about someone you know, and you wake up really mad at them, and then you team up with demons and try to sacrifice a bunch of babies and turn New York into Hell? Yeah, me, too. (Uncanny X-Men #233)
In Madelyne’s defense, this really is a super fucked up dream. (Uncanny X-Men #233)
“She’s her old self again, but about six inches shorter.” (Uncanny X-Men #233)
There is literally nothing okay about what is going on here. (Uncanny X-Men #234)
Has anyone ever tried to reproduce this awesome manicure IRL? You should do that. (Uncanny X-Men #234)
The first official apparance of one of the worst villain costumes in X-Men. At least it’s memorable? (Uncanny X-Men #234)
In which the X-Men finally follow up on a dropped plotline; you should probably not mess with abandoned star sharks; “Dawn of Blood” is a sometimes food; The Goblin Queen makes her first appearance; we debut a new podcast feature; and there may or may not be a frozen woman in the Xavier School basement.
X-PLAINED:
The Providian Order
Uncanny X-Men #232-234
The Brood (again)
Several ill-fated campers
Harry Palmer
The Brood as horror antagonists
Why John Doggett is the best X-Files agent
Psylocke’s armor
Why Nestor Carbonell should play Gambit
Some deeply dubious codenames
Red Bee
Michael the Bee
Reverend William Conover and his Glory Day Crusade
The Mile High Diner
The strange case of Hannah Conover
One hell of a nightmare
A deal with a devil
InfernoWatch
The direct market
Ways to approach an endless serial
INFERNO WATCH:
Madelyne meets and strikes a deal with S’ym
First appearance of the Goblin Queen costume
NEXT EPISODE: Evolutionary War
CORRECTION: In this episode, Jay recalled the direct market as having been conceived in significant part by Carol Kalish. It was, in fact, the brainchild of Phil Seuling.
You can find a visual companion to this episode–and links to recommended reading–on our blog!
Rachel and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
Pryde of the X-Men‘s character designs are pretty damned comics-accurate, if slightly pastel. (I guess Kitty would have gotten her Shadowcat costume later?)
Real talk: if you watch this show on VHS, Spider-Man takes a minute of your time beforehand to tell you how important it is to vote.
Okay, that’s a legitimately cool way of showing how awesome telepathy can be. And a legitimately GI Joe-looking moment.
“Choose your character, Kitty Pryde!”
This image documents Kitty’s single moment of hesitation before she decides that following a bunch of strangers into space is a great plan.
Pryde of the X-Men‘s Storm may actually be her best on-screen portrayal.
“G’day! Let’s get a dingo on the barbie, you wallaby! Foster’s!”
This makes me actually kind of wish Dazzler had been on the team in the early 80s.
The Arcade Game: Heroes!
The Arcade Game: Villains!
It’s… basically a whole lot of this.
Three Living Monoliths for the price of one!
Twelve-year-old Miles was in heaven. Thirty-three-year-old Miles was too.
Our players: Anna Sheffey, Miles Stokes, and Elisabeth Allie!
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
In which Miles and Elisabeth X-Plain Pryde of the X-Men; Magneto is somehow even worse at branding than Mystique; the X-Universe is in desperate need of responsible adults; Wolverine hates kids; everybody’s mean to Lockheed; and the Sentinels represent your feelings.
X-PLAINED:
Wolverine’s Australian accent
Pryde of the X-Men
X-Men / Muppet Babies analogues
The Brotherhood of Mutant Terrorists
How not to comfort scared teenagers
The X-Cessible X-Men
The Mutant Power Circuit
Terrible parenting
A MacGuffin
A Really Dubious Evil Plot
Several Additional MacGuffins
THE POWER!
One of many reasons to be nice to animals
Space
The X-Men Arcade Game
Ground Kontrol
X-Men: Madness in Murderworld
The Uncanny X-Men (game)
Metaphorical sentinels
Mysterious lizards
Video game mechanics vs. superhero ethics
Pryde of the X-Men vs the ’90s animated series vs. X-Men: Evolution
Alternate animated series hooks
NEXT WEEK: The Brood go to a revival meeting
You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!
Rachel and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
In which New Mutants #64 is the saddest single issue of any X-book ever; the New Mutants have to grow up fast; Warlock comes to terms with mortality; The Last of Us is harder to play the second time; Tattoo Tales: X-Men: Masquerade is delightfully unhinged; animated Cyclops is totally the worst; Beast probably has a terrible garage band; Jean starts a kitchen fire; and Wolverine saves Jubilee’s birthday.
X-PLAINED:
The saddest issue ever
New Mutants #64
The only okay way to watch Grave of the Fireflies
The aftermath of Doug Ramsey’s death
Several unhealthy coping mechanisms
The Last of Us
Tattoo Tales: X-Men: Masquerade
Some varyingly impressive costumes
General irresponsibility
Why Wolverine is wearing a clown suit
Douglock
The New Mutants’ D&D alignments
NEXT WEEK: You never forget your first Ship.
You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!
Rachel and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
