No, not the blonde guy from Harry Potter. The “Draco” I’m talking about is an Uncanny X-Men arc where Chuck Austen retconned Nightcrawler’s origin story to involve a father from an ancient race of demon-looking mutants long exiled to a hell dimension by a bunch of quasi-angelic counterparts.1
The Draco is one of the worst arcs of Austen’s already fairly shaky 2 run; and generally considered to be one of the worst X-Men stories ever. It’s the continuity equivalent of awkward makeouts at your company Christmas party: everyone does their best to politely pretend that it never happened, and if anyone brings it up, everyone familiar with the story gets acutely embarrassed by proxy.
I am telling you about The Draco not because it has any relevance whatsoever to X-Men: Evolution–it doesn’t–but so that you will understand where the bar sits when I tell you that “Shadowed Past” is my least favorite take on Nightcrawler’s origin story.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
In which the back-up stories of Atlantis Attacks are way better than the main event; the Serpent Society is hilarious; Longshot finds a rock; the S.U.R.F.E.R.S. are no Neutrinos; our volume of digressions is inversely proportional to our investment in this crossover; Jay overthinks sunglasses; and somehow we still aren’t entirely done with Inferno.
X-PLAINED:
Leonard McKenzie
Princess Fen
Tiger Shark
A dubious crossover event and three splendid backup stories
The best thing in Marvel Puzzle Quest
Skateman
Atlantis Attacks
Uncanny X-Men Annual #13
New Mutants Annual #5
X-Factor Annual #4
Ghaur
Llyra
Homomermanus
The Serpent Society
Boomslang
Why snakes don’t wear vests
The Maple Hill Farm books
The Horn of Doom (again)
Namorita
Impractical swimwear
Surf, or S.U.R.F.E.R.S., or whoever the hell they are
Zak and the Neutrinos
The trouble with mobile landmarks
A case of mistaken identity
The true meaning of something, probably
Ralph Macchio, but not that Ralph Macchio
Circumstances in which it is acceptable to throw a small child down an elevator shaft
The definitive Boom Boom
Eligible gentlemen of the Marvel Universe
Boom Boom Von Doom
A false dichotomy
Sally Pashkow
A really great outfit
Presidencies rated by X-Books
Best and worst moral inversions
NEXT WEEK: Mojo Mayhem!
ART CHALLENGE: Send your best Boom Boom romance stories, covers, and pin-ups to xplainthexmen(at)gmail.com by SEPTEMBER 15, with the subject line BOOM BOOM RULES.
NOTE: In this episode, Jay briefly confused two Marvel villain teams: the Serpent Society (snake-themed villains); and the Sons of the Serpent, also known as the Serpent Men (hate group). We would like to offer our apologies to the Serpent Society, who are ridiculous but not, as far as we know, racist.
You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!
Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
In which Elisabeth hacks the Matrix; Magneto is the worst at small talk; Hela overreaches; parents just don’t understand human speech; everything is better with super-rings; Selene has a Xena moment; almost anything can be solved with a kiss; and even if you transform Doug Ramsey into a giant red murder monster, he’ll still be a huge nerd.
X-PLAINED:
The S-Men
New Mutants Forever #1-5
Magma’s revised family tree
Updating the New Mutants
The delicate balance of the Forever line
The web
Idiom confusion
A flawed cultural analogy
Tiberius the Generic
Several profoundly dubious costumes
Family resemblance
Skull v. Skull
The dearth of canonically asexual X-characters
NEXT EPISODE: Different Nazis
Miles here – in one of the questions for this episode, I conflated asexuality and aromanticness. Those are totally two different things. Apologies – I’m still learning!
You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!
Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
In which Gossamyr definitely probably doesn’t get blown up; we engage in a long and surprisingly canon-based exploration of Hellfire Club bathroom etiquette; the New Mutants break up with Magneto; you should probably never go swimming in the Marvel Universe; and it is possible (but unlikely) that Jay yells “IMPERIUS REX” more than is strictly necessary.
X-PLAINED
New Son/New Sun
Post-Inferno New Mutants
New Mutants #74-76
Babies
Ship shipping
Inanimate objects Warlock has attempted to befriend
Hellfire Club bathroom etiquette
A long-anticipated showdown
Magneto’s on-again-off-again children
The Mutant Wars
The Grey King (but not The Grey King)
Undersea creatures that have no business near New York
An Atlantean artificat of dubious provenance
How to deter a giant and possibly supernatural octopus
Recycled powers
Friendly sentinels
NOTE: The Dispossessed is in fact by Ursula K. Le Guin.
NEXT EPISODE: Trolls!
You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!
Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
We saw X-Men in the middle of a road trip the summer after our senior year of high school. Terrible vacation; fun movie.
X2: X-Men United is a very loose adaptation of one of our favorite X-Men stories: the Marvel Graphic Novel God Loves, Man Kills.
The less said about X-Men: The Last Stand, the better.
Jay can’t look at this X-Men: First Class poster without thinking of the Buckaroo Banzai end credits. It’s a blessing and a curse.
X-Men: Days of Future Past is one of the more ambitious retcons ever to grace the big screen.
X-Men: Apocalypse opens in the U.S. on May 27; and everywhere else at some point in the surrounding weeks.
Apocalypse’s on-panel debut… (X-Factor #5)
…and the first time we saw his signature costume. (X-Factor #6)
“Let’s adopt him and, I dunno, feed him scarab blood? Look, man, I’m making this up as I go along.” (Rise of Apocalypse #1)
Apocalypse’s true, diabolical plan, as realized in “The Twelve”: To capture a bunch of mutants and I guess put them in little terrariums? Apocalypse is a complicated guy. (Uncanny X-Men #377)
Apocalypse: Somehow actually more progressive than Doctor Who. (The Adventures of Cyclops and Phoenix #1)
The mechanics of Apocalypse’s body–and relative immortality–vary wildly from series to series. (The Adventures of Cyclops and Phoenix #2)
In the Age of Apocalypse, Apocalypse takes over Earth ahead of schedule and makes everything super glam. (X-Men: Alpha)
Deadpool may not be an X-Man, but his movie did feature the best version of the X-Men costumes to show up so far on screen.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
In which the X-Men cinematic universe is a really mixed bag; Kang the Conqueror ruins everything; everyone wants a Sphinx hovercraft; Elle was right; and we bring you up to speed on all things En Sabah Nur–just in time for X-Men: Apocalypse!
X-PLAINED:
How Chamber got his torso back (and then lost it again)(twice)
Several ways to count X-Men movies
X-Men
X2: X-Men United
X-Men: The Last Stand
X-Men: First Class
X-Men: Days of Future Past
Adaptation anxiety
Distillation vs. dilution
Apocalypse (En Sabah Nur)
Rise of Apocalypse #1-4
Akkaba
Dubious survival tips
Fantastic Four #19
Doctor Strange #53
Ozymandias
Various horsemen of Apocalypse
Age of Apocalypse (Earth-295)
The Twelve
Cinematic X-costumes
Cast Party
NEXT WEEK: Excalibur joins Inferno!
CORRECTION: In this episode, Jay states that Kieran Shiach explained Kang in the Secret Convergence on Infinite Podcasts. It was, in fact, the amazing Paul O’Brien. Mea culpa.
You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!
Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
He’s not wrong; he’s just an asshole. (New Mutants #71)
Aw, kiddo. (New Mutants #71)
There’s a lot of more overtly awful stuff S’ym has done, but very little of it gets under my skin as badly as this scene. (New Mutants #71)
Brett Blevins’ Inferno might be the best Inferno. (New Mutants #71)
WELL, THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY. (New Mutants #71)
N’astirh Guy(TM) (New Mutants #71)
Nothing that begins with this line ever ends well. (New Mutants #71)
Okay. This looks bad. (New Mutants #71)
On its own, this is a perfectly serviceable cover; but it’s also a subtle and pretty brutal nod to the last issue of the Magik miniseries. (New Mutants #72)
Possibly the most metal title page to ever appear in an X-book. (New Mutants #72)
Calling it: Blevins’s is my hands-down favorite take on Inferno-infested New York. (New Mutants #72)
GAH. (New Mutants #72)
And now, a brief and delightful respite from the tragedy playing out in the A plot. (New Mutants #72)
Savor this moment: it’s not often you get to see New Mutants making a responsible choice! (New Mutants #72)
WELL, THEN. (New Mutants #72)
N’astirh levels up… (New Mutants #72)
…But so does Illyana. (New Mutants #72)
Death of Supergirl homage cover. Take a drink. (New Mutants #73)
T-O S’ym is so creepy, y’all. (New Mutants #73)
THERE ARE NOT ADEQUATE WORDS FOR HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS PAGE. (New Mutants #73)
That Colossus makes room in his rather minimal uniform for a photo wallet is kind of adorable an very much in character. (New Mutants #73)
“And that’s what you get for teaching new math!” (New Mutants #73)
We didn’t think of this until after the episode was recorded, but Illyana’s final armored form bears a lot of resemblance to her brother’s. (New Mutants #73)
This dude is pretty great. (New Mutants #73)
The Darkchilde in her final form. (New Mutants #73)
And so it ends… (New Mutants #73)
…or does it? (New Mutants #73)
“Or stick around in the background and then die of the Legacy Virus and come back like 20 years later without a soul. The point is, you’ve got options.” (New Mutants #73)
NEXT WEEK: The rise of the Goblin Queen.
LINKS AND FURTHER LISTENING:
We discussed the Magik miniseries in Episode 19 – Acorns and Swords.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
In which everyone’s got Inferno issues; Brett Blevins makes it work; Belasco is conspicuously absent from Inferno; you should never go into Hell barefoot; the greatest X-Men stories are about loss; and Illyana Rasputin finally gets a fairy tale ending.
X-PLAINED
Tempus (Eva Bell)
Storm and Illyana: Magik #1-4 (briefly)
The two major Inferno plotlines
New Mutants #71-73
The best of Brett Blevins
The rise and fall of Magik
The ethics of time-travel interventions
A weaponized retcon
N’astirh Guy™
A chair that is also a moral event horizon
A significant soul-armor upgrade
Several variations on a chapter title
Possessed New York
An overly complex conspiracy theory
A bittersweet reunion
The Kobayashi Maru scenario as applied to X-Men
An even more bittersweet victory (of sorts)
The eventual return of Magik (sort of)
Why it’s really irresponsible to affiliate your school with a superhero team
Our favorite versions of Wolfsbane’s transitional form
NEXT WEEK:
The Rise of the Goblin Queen!
You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!
Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
