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330 – Suddenly, Ninjas

April 18, 2021 Jay 40 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which the podcast turns seven; Matt has officially edited half the podcast; a lot of things are made by metal; Doctor Strange is a big weirdo; Gambit is a scoundrel, not a villain; Wolverine goes goth; Onslaught could probably use a better herald; Bishop fires two guns whilst going aaaaaaa; and we commit to making what sense we can of Onslaught.

X-PLAINED:

How Betsy got her body back
Several simultaneous anniversaries
Uncanny X-Men #329-330
X-Men #50
Some ninja bullshit
A lot of less-benign-than-it-looks racism
Excellent use of a neon sign
An odd couple
The evolution of art tools
Steam vs. metal
Gomurr the Ancient
The Ebon Vein
Catastrophic magic
Our favorite iterations of Doctor Strange
The Crimson Dawn
How one becomes Gomurr the Ancient
Tar (Proctor of the Crimson Dawn)
Post (Herald of Onslaught)
An entity who may or may not be Onslaught
Continuity party tricks
Survivors of the Age of Apocalypse

NEXT EPISODE: Brood X!

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 325 – Captain Bloodscream

February 28, 2021 Jay One comment

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

I’m sorry; I cannot accept this as Cable. (X-Force/Cable Annual 1995)

The Impossible Teens. (X-Force/Cable Annual 1995)

Yay, Team-Ups! (Spider-Man Team-Up #1)

Tessa, Shade Queen of the Hellfire Club. Spider-Man Team-Up #1

SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THE GOLD CROTCH THING (Spider-Man Team-Up #1)

Also Tessa. (Spider-Man Team-Up #1)

NO, SERIOUSLY: 30-50 FERAL HOGS. (X-Men Unlimited #9)

FUCKING GHOST PIRATES Y’ALL (X-Men Unlimited #9)

YES AS A MATTER OF FACT I WILL BE CAPTIONING ALL THE IMAGES FROM THIS ISSUE IN ALL CAPS (X-Men Unlimited #9)

LOOK AT THIS MAN. THIS IS A MAN LIVING HIS DREAM. (X-Men Unlimited #9)

SURE WHY NOT (X-Men Unlimited #9)

SHARK FIGHT SHARK FIGHT (X-Men Unlimited #9)

THIS VISUAL IS LIKE ALL THE GOOFINESS OF THE EPISODE IN A NUTSHELL (X-Men Unlimited #9)

KING OF THE CAT PEOPLE (X-Men Unlimited #9)

FOOTNOTES FOR THE FOOTNOTE GODS (X-Men Unlimited #9)

FISH! FISH OF DECEIT! (X-Men Unlimited #9)

OH HEY WE KNOW THAT GUY (X-Men Unlimited #9)

THE NEXT TWO IMAGES WILL JUST BE KICKASS BLOODSCREAM YOU’RE WELCOME (X-Men Unlimited #9)

I WISH HIM THE BEST (X-Men Unlimited #9)

NEXT EPISODE: The Adversary probably does not actually join X-Factor.

325 – Captain Bloodscream

February 28, 2021 Jay 12 comments

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In which we recommend against having a birthday in the Marvel Universe; Shinobi Shaw was a proto-Quentin Quire; Lee Forrester returns under the best possible circumstances; Bloodscream lives his best unlife; Belasco is apparently master of the cat people now; and a former Marvel intern returns to solve a mystery.

X-PLAINED:

Bloodscream (again)
X-Force/Cable Annual 1995
Spider-Man Team-Up #1
X-Men Unlimited #9
The Impossible Man (and his slacker kids)
The Clone Saga
Benedict Kine
A really superlative insult
The continuity box
Still more Bloodscream
30-50 feral hogs
GHOST PIRACY
Belasco (more)(again)
The N’garai (more) (again)
A follow-up to a mystery from Episode #323

NEXT EPISODE: X-Factor vs. the Adversary

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 317 – Acquaintances of Humanity

December 20, 2020 Jay Leave a comment

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Oh, c’mon, you did NOT need a double gatefold for that. (X-Men #45)

OW.

(Not a metaphor.) (X-Men #45)

Included to showcase some really damn good use of balloon and caption placement. (X-Men #45)

Aw, Rogue. (X-Men #45)

Damn, that’s good composition. (X-Men #45)

Just here to rub salt in the wound by out-glamming you. (X-Men #45)

It’s true: there’s something extra sad about brooding in shorts. (Uncanny X-Men #326)

IT SURE IS 1995 IN HERE. (Uncanny X-Men #326)

Seriously, Boomer, don’t be friends with Sabretooth. (Uncanny X-Men #326)

To those of you who get reaction images from these: You’re welcome. (Uncanny X-Men #326)

Gambit clearly subscribes to the Rory Campbell school of rehabilitation. (Uncanny X-Men #326)

Well, WE certainly recognize it! (Uncanny X-Men #326)

Now, that’s a wraparound cover! (X-Men Annual 1995)

Somebody’s been reading Age of Apocalypse. (X-Men Annual 1995)

“They’re never sure how many of them they are, and the uncertainty is difficult to live with.” (X-Men Annual 1995)

These three look like time travelers dressed in what each is certain everyone was wearing in 1995. (X-Men Annual 1995)

At least they’re stylish? I guess? (X-Men Annual 1995)

“I see hair more glam than any in this universe.” (X-Men Annual 1995)

“Several, at this point.” (X-Men Annual 1995)

Well, kinda. (X-Men Annual 1995)

Also, they all, um, teleported away. To a farm. Where they can run and play with the other villains. (X-Men Annual 1995)

NEXT: Leprechauns, obviously.

317 – Acquaintances of Humanity

December 14, 2020 Jay 12 comments

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In which Nicholas Cage is more of a concept than a human being; Rogue’s angst-fueled road trip continues; Gambit and Sinister have complementary aesthetics; there are a lot of Guthries; the Trasks are never up to any good; and whether or not it is canon, Ghost Rider has definitely teamed up with Johnny Cash.

X-PLAINED:

Ghost Rider (film)
Nicholas Cage
Rogue and Gambit
X-Men #45
Uncanny X-Men #326
Uncanny X-Men Annual 1995
A gratuitous gatefold
Alliteration vs. consonance
Osmium
Fancy captions
Aesthetics
Shorts
Gambit vs. Sabretooth
Questionable medical policy
AIDS and the Legacy Virus, revisited
Humanity’s Last Stand
Guthries
Preacher
The evolution of killer robots
Superhero-musician team-ups
Otherworld vs. the M’Kraan crystal

NEXT EPISODE: THE LEPRECHAUNS RETURN

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As Mentioned in Episode 315 – Theater Is Dead

November 22, 2020 Jay One comment

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

That Wolverine shadow looming over the title has a serious Maurice Sendak vibe. (Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #1)

I know the whole point is for the shadow to be menacing, but how funny would it be if Wolverine were just freakin’ huge in this series, for no reason? (Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #1)

Don’t smoke in the Danger Room, Gambit. It’s not supposed to be THAT kind of danger! (Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #1)

This is a good version of Gambit; I will give the series and Sale that much. (Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #1)

I dunno; the exploding cards might make that difficult. (Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #1)

SEE WHAT I MEAN?! (Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #2)

Viper called; she wants to know what you did with her entire look. (Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #2)

YES, LOGAN, IT MATTERS VERY MUCH. (Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #2)

Well, then. (Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #2)

I’m pretty sure the subtext here is that Gambit’s gonna do a sex with that painting. (Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #3)

The end. (Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #3)

X-Men ’92 did it better. (Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #4)

Mastermind X-Plains the plot. (Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #4)

Dudes, man. (Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #4)

That’s certainly one take on Sarte. (Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #4)

NEXT EPISODE: Hawk Talk!

LINKS & FURTHER CRIMES:

315 – Theater Is Dead

November 22, 2020 Jay 6 comments

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In which Jay and/or patriarchy ruin everything; Archangel is dubiously aspirational; we need a moratorium on Jack the Ripper stories; there are a lot of Masterminds; and Arcade is a whole bundle of psychosexual weirdness.

X-PLAINED:

Tom Malverne (Jack the Ripper)
Lunch
Wolverine and Gambit: Victims #1-4
Loeb & Sale
Jack the Ripper in fiction
Alexandra Davies
Fun on international flights
That one time Jay thought the NSA was going to come for him
Martinique Wyngarde (Mastermind II)
Mastermind, Mastermind, and Lady Mastermind disambiguation
Collateral damage
Various Dies Hard
Several heists
Several hallucinations
Variations on the death of Miss Locke
Problematic third brothers

NEXT EPISODE: Hawk Talk!

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 311 – Love Makes a Super Team

October 25, 2020 Jay 2 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

This friendship really never gets old. (X-Men Annual 1995)

Freakin’ Genesis, man. (X-Men Annual 1995)

The Nasty Boys, they are not. (X-Men Annual 1995)

Nathaniel Essex: The Hollywood Dracula Years. (X-Men Annual 1995)

The ladies love the cape. (X-Men Annual 1995)

In all fairness, I’m not sure I’d want to be naked in Teen Hank and Bobby’s makeouts cabin without cleaning first, either. (X-Men Annual 1995)

Meanwhile in the UK, a dramatic man and his dramatic ponytail! (X-Men Annual 1995)

I still think the photos were a bit much. (X-Men Annual 1995)

Anniversary or no, this image does not justify a double gatefold. (Uncanny X-Men #325)

Jean Grey: thirsty on main. (Uncanny X-Men #325)

Me, too, Monet. Me, too/ (Uncanny X-Men #325)

Damn, Piotr. (Uncanny X-Men #325)

“Non, mon ami, I do not have Prince Albert in a can.” (Uncanny X-Men #325)

Marrow may be bloodthirsty, but she’s also inclusive! (Uncanny X-Men #325)

What. (Uncanny X-Men #325)

Ew. (Uncanny X-Men #325)

This is why we can’t have nice things and/or organs. (Uncanny X-Men #325)

NEXT EPISODE: The Nobody People, with author Bob Proehl!

311 – Love Makes a Super-Team

October 18, 2020 Jay 16 comments

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In which we decide to stop recognizing the nominal difference between X-Men and Uncanny X-Men; time travel may or may not wait for you; Mister Sinister has probably appeared in at least one Ed Wood film; we are a pro-Tingle podcast; X-Men is about family; the Braddock twins catch up; Sailor Moon > Shinobi Shaw; Generation X is inducted into the baseball tradition; and Storm does what she does with Morlocks in sewers.

X-PLAINED:

Franklin Richards’ impressive lineage
311
Yet another structure for annuals
X-Men Annual 1995
Uncanny X-Men #325
Serious academic discussions
Faye Livingstone
Mister Sinister’s Hollywood adventures
Tyler Dayspring / Tolliver / Genesis (again)
Teenage optimism
An absolutely nonsensical villainous plot
A Hank McCoy that might have been
Friendship
Fraternal correspondence
Romance
Morlocks
The first time Storm stabbed a Morlock leader in the heart
Gene Nation
A really excessive cover
An intergenerational baseball game
Another fairly nonsensical villainous plot
The second time Storm stabbed a Morlock leader in the heart
X-horror
Other media X-fans may enjoy reading, playing, or watching

NEXT EPISODE: Bob Proehl X-Plains the Resonant Duology!

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 301 – Can’t Beat the Real Thing

July 19, 2020 Jay One comment

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

This is in fact an ENTIRELY REASONABLE position under the circumstances. (X-Men Prime #1)

Dennis is his own disparaging narrator. (X-Men Prime #1)

I don’t know why John Constantine is here to question Trish Tilby’s ethics, but SOMEONE needs to. (X-Men Prime #1)

Why is Val here? WHO KNOWS? (X-Men Prime #1)

Pretty sure this is supposed to be Onslaught, but it’s not going to be confirmed, so… (X-Men Prime #1)

“I repurposed all the brain parts that would normally go to fashion sense. On one hand, I can keep track of every team in play. On the other hand, this is how I dress myself.” (X-Men Prime #1)