Before we jump into this one, let me tell you kids a story.
Once upon a time, there was a gentleman by the name of Dwayne McDuffie. McDuffie was an incredibly important figure in comics: these days, he’s best known as the creator of Static Shock and the co-founder of Milestone Media; for his work across the DCAU; and as a tireless and outspoken advocate for black representation in superhero comics.
In 1989, when McDuffie was an editor at Marvel Comics, he wrote a biting, satirical pitch that has since become industry legend. In his pitch, McDuffie points out that 25% of African-American superheroes appearing in the Marvel Universe over the last year have had skateboard-based superpowers or fighting styles, and proposes a new team to take advantage of this and other equivalently exciting trends, featuring four black guys on skateboards:
Twelve years later, the fifth episode of X-Men: Evolution would introduce the Xavier Institute’s sole black student and the show’s first original character, Evan “Spyke” Daniels:
Rachel screwed up and accidentally gave David material for episode 54 instead of 53, so there’s no illustration this week. Instead, we offer both our sincere apologies and this photo of Miles dressed up as Mister Sinister for a costume party.
In which Wolverine doesn’t care about your baby; Storm takes charge; duels are terrible bases for systems of government; editorial mandate is hell on a marriage; Magneto is a pretty cool teacher; Jean Grey comes back; and we have mixed feelings about the Phoenix retcon.
X-PLAINED:
Kenji Uedo
Uncanny X-Men #201
New Mutants #35
Avengers #263
Fantastic Four #286
Classic X-Men #8
The post-Trial of Magneto status quo
Nathan Christopher Charles Summers
A small cross-section of Cyclops’s myriad issues
The wrong means to the right end
Magneto’s educational philosophy
The politics of creative credits
“You Know Who”
The Phoenix retcon
Several unrelated break-ins
The return of Jean Grey
Jean and the Phoenix Force
Alternate-timeline Madelynes Pryor
Jean Grey’s code names
NEXT WEEK: X-Factor begins! (for real, this time – sorry about that SNAFU!)
You can find a companion index to the material mentioned in this episode on our blog!
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Let me get this out of the way fast: “Mutant Crush” is my least favorite episode of X-Men: Evolution. Yes, even more than “The Cauldron,” which I’m pretty sure is objectively the worst episode of the series.1
But while “The Cauldron” is terrible, it’s hilariously terrible. “Mutant Crush” is. Well. It’s a decently written episode, I guess. And it’s got a lot of moments I dig. It’s just also really fucked up and disturbing, and not in hilarious and pedantic ways.
Seriously: Shit gets dark in this episode. If you don’t want to read a humorous write-up of a story that is essentially about stalking and kidnapping, you may want to skip this one. I recognize that this is essentially a humor column, and I tried to find okay ways to be funny about this episode, but I mostly ended up with a lot of tonal whiplash, and a pretty high volume of commentary on the ways women are socialized to appease violent men, and some really inappropriate references to John Fowles’ The Collector.2
And on that note: Here is a link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s help page. NDVH is a pretty solid organization, and in addition to the actual hotlines–which include a phone line and web-based chat, both confidential and anonymous–they’ve got a very good list of resources, including LGBTQI and teen-specific stuff. (NDVH is, however, mostly U.S.-specific. If you know of international resources or have other specific recommendations, please stick ‘em in the comments, and maybe we can get something useful out of this clusterfuck of an episode.)
Evolution Rogue is awesome. She’s one of the characters who fares best in reimagining–as I wrote about Cyclops in S1E1, Rogue is very recognizably written in the spirit of some of the best previous versions of the character, with the letter flexible enough to let her develop organically in her new context and setting.
So it should be no surprise when I tell you that a lot of the best stuff in the generally pretty shaky and uneven Season One centers around Rogue. And that, my friends, begins here. Lace up your best New Rocks, dig up some black lipstick (or steal your friend’s eyeliner crayon and be careful not to lick your lips), and get ready to rumble.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 3/15/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.
“Is this foreshadowing?”
“Nah. Just a book recommendation.”
“Because it really sounds like foreshadowing, Sam.”
“Former X-Man, huh?”
(X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
Well, that escalated quickly. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
Someone needs to sit Rachel Summers down for a long and serious conversation about proportional force. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
WHOOPS. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU: DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO!” (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
Those That Sit Above In Shadow. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
Seriously, though, don’t do that shit. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
“Think there’s a twist? “Nah.” (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
A) Scott looks like a doof without his glasses. B) I wonder if Marvel got a lot of pissed off letters about his eyes changing color in this issue. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
“We all got superpowers, but the important part is the AMAZING OUTFITS.” (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
WELL THAT COULD BE LESS AWKWARD. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
SUPER not cool, Xavier. Also: Remember when Scott’s eyes were blue like five pages ago? ‘CAUSE THE COLORIST DOESN’T! *rimshot* (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
I know they all gave the powers back at the end, but I really don’t see why Heather couldn’t have remade this outfit and then worn it ALL THE TIME, because it is awesome. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #1)
THAT CAT, THOUGH. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
Aw, Snowbird. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
There have been near-infinite variations on this gag, and they’re never not great. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
Aw, Jean-Paul. Your team is kind of awful. I mean, so are you, but still. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
COLD, Wolverine. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
Well, shit. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
OH, THAT EXPLAINS SOME THINGS. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
This is about as close as the Summers family ever seems to come to healthy communication, so enjoy it while it lasts. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 1, #2)
I don’t care if they’re not costumes. DRINK ANYWAY. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 2, #1)
Throughout this story, Nightcrawler seems to be in a different genre than the rest of the cast. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 2, #1)
Can’t you just picture John Cassady physically crossing this spread off his bucket list? (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 2, #2)
Also this panel. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 2, #2)
Alberta, in case you were wondering–just a little south of Calgary. (X-Men/Alpha Flight vol. 2, #2)
NEXT WEEK: Asgardian Wars!
Many thanks to Emergency Backup Co-Host and Alpha Flight X-Pert (is there an Alpha-Flight-appropriate portmanteau for that?) Elisabeth Allie! Go check out Elisabeth’s blog, and follower her on Twitter!
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 3/15/2015 in the shop, or contact David for the original.
In which Emergency Backup Co-Host Elisabeth Allie saves the day; the Berserkers are not the breakout hit you’ve been waiting for; Paul Smith continues to be awesome; nothing good ever happens in the Danger Room; Charles Xavier dabbles in cosplay; Nightcrawler has serious hat game; Rachel Summers lacks healthy coping skills; your life would be way more epic if Claremont narrated it; Northstar is a surprisingly good prom date; Loki is a total dick; and Longshot is totally Miles’s favorite.
X-PLAINED:
Madelyne Pryor
X-Men/Alpha Flight vols. 1&2
The Berserkers
An unconventional model of family therapy
Aggressive foreshadowing
NPC dialogue
Jazzercise superheroes
Superhero color theory
Sasquatch
Aurora
Those Who Sit Above in Shadow
Norse fashion of the ‘80s
Very specific superpowers
Some sweet boots
The price of power
A deus ex machina squared
Kitty and Piotr’s first date
Snowbird’s powers
Miles’s favorite X-Man
NEXT WEEK: Asgardian Wars!
You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!
You know how I said that X-Men: Evolution is really entertaining even when it’s really, really bad? This week, we’re gonna put that to the test. Prepare for more rock puns than you have ever heard in a single 22-minute stretch. Also, Transformers. Kinda.
In other news, I still have no idea what the titles refer to.
BUT FIRST, A PRETEND HORROR MOVIE!
We open with the Pryde home, in a fictional town in Illinois. The town has a name, but I don’t care what it is, and it’s never going to be relevant again, so I’m just gonna call it Fake Deerfield. Cool? Cool.
OH, MY GOD, IT’S GRATUITOUS LIGHTNING!
Kitty dreams that she’s falling, and–spoiler–she actually falls through her bed and floor and lands in the basement. She wakes up screaming, and her parents rush down to comfort her. They think she was sleepwalking–until they look up and a PORTENTOUS FLASH OF LIGHTNING illuminates her blanket, embedded in the basement ceiling.
OH MY GOD! THAT’S–actually, wait, that’s not scary at all.
Okay, look, I get what they were shooting for here, but you know who has the least horror-movie powers of just about all the X-Men? Hint: It’s definitely Kitty, barring the stories where phased becomes her default state (which this isn’t). Framing this scene and the Prydes’ cheerfully generic suburban house like a horror movie reminds me of one of those recut trailers where you try to make a movie look like a genre it obviously isn’t; or a kid telling a shaggy-dog joke and then waiting for you to be overjoyed at the lack of punchline; or the entire movie White Noise.1 It’s all buildup, with no proportionate payoff.
Ew, Cerebro, no. Don’t do that.
Meanwhile, back at Stately Xavier Manor, Kitty’s late-night spill pings Cerebro. Does anyone else find it unsettling that Professor X has a psychic supercomputer that provides him with turnaroundfull body scans of teenagers?
Also, Cerebro accurately predicts the outfit that Kitty is going to wear to school the next day.2
“What am I?” wails Kitty. “What’s happening to me?” Just give it five seconds, kid–the credits montage identifies you quite clearly as Shadowcat.
I was a little too old to catch X-Men: Evolution the first time around. It debuted my freshman year of college, corresponding with the peak of my nerd pretension—that larval-geek phase where you insist on calling all comics graphic novels—and like the arch little fucker I was, I dismissed it sight-unseen as X-Men dumbed down.
A few years ago, I finally sat down and watched my way through X-Men: Evolution and came away with two conclusions: teenage Rachel was kind of a dolt; and X-Men: Evolution is delightful.
Not only is Evolution not X-Men dumbed down, it’s a really clever, appealing reinvention. In fact, Evolution accomplishes what the Ultimate universe never quite could: shaking off years of continuity and attracting an entirely new audience with a distilled version of one of Marvel’s most convoluted lines.
If you’re not familiar with X-Men: Evolution, the premise is roughly thus: The Xavier Institute is an extracurricular boarding school of sorts, whose students are mainstreamed into their district school—Bayville High—for academics. Some of the characters—Storm, Wolverine, and Professor Xavier on the side of the angels; Mystique, Magneto, and a few others on the other end of the moral spectrum—stay adults; everyone else is aged down to teenagers. Evolution draws characters and some story hooks from the comics, but for the most part, it occupies its own discrete continuity.
And as continuities go, it’s a good one. It’s clever and fun, it’s got a ton of heart, and it stays true to the core themes and characters of the source material without becoming overly beholden to the letter of the text. By the end, it’ll become a really, really good show; but even when it’s bad, X-Men: Evolution is bad in really entertaining ways.
Which is important, because X-Men: Evolution gets off to a pretty rocky start.
