Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

Tag: Dazzler: The Movie

138 – What Would Dazzler Do?

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Art by David Wynne

In which we continue to follow the post-Siege Perilous X-Men; Dazzler finally makes her big-screen debut; Callisto gets a day job; Colossus gets a ponytail; still more X-Men fake their deaths; Jean Grey gets tentacles; Professor Wolverine is a jerk; and Jay overthinks Community.

X-PLAINED:

  • The new-new Howling Commandos
  • Hit-Monkey
  • Uncanny X-Men #259-263
  • Dazzler: The Movie (again)
  • Freddie Stanacheck
  • Eric Beale
  • What Dazzler would do
  • Peter Nicholas
  • Jenny Ransome and Phillip Moreau (again)
  • Twin Peaks references, canonical and otherwise
  • Genoshan foreign policy
  • The value of allegory
  • Some regrettable X-costumes
  • That time Jean Grey got tentacles
  • Molly the cat
  • Dubious medical ethics
  • Hardcase and the Harriers
  • An unlikely pizza party
  • A theoretical Community/X-Men costume party

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As Mentioned in Episode 35 – Post-Disco Panic

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Listen to the episode here!

Art by David Wynne. Prints available here until December 21, or contact David for the original!
Coming never, to a theater near you. (Dazzler: The Movie)
A friend pointed out that this comic is a pretty great window into what a certain category of dude thinks ladies do when they’re alone. (Dazzler: The Movie)
Wait, what? (Dazzler: The Movie)
Seriously, had Jim Shooter ever actually read any X-Men at this point? (Dazzler: The Movie)
Meet your romantic lead. (Dazzler: The Movie)
At some point, we’re going to do a roundup of every panel in this graphic novel where someone talks to themself in a mirror. Spoiler: THERE ARE A LOT OF THEM. (Dazzler: The Movie)
The really funny thing about this scene is that Frank Springer is apparently physically incapable of drawing women who don’t look like fashion illustrations, so she’s literally thinner here than in the earlier scene she’s comparing herself to. (Dazzler: The Movie)
So, that went about as well as you’d expect. (Dazzler: The Movie)
JFC, Roman. (Dazzler: The Movie)
“And it doesn’t even have Cher in it!” (Dazzler: The Movie)
I don’t care what it’s about, or what happens in it. THIS is the correct way to open your miniseries. (Beauty and the Beast #1)
Hi, Hank McCoy! (Beauty and the Beast #1)
True fact: This is what ALL parties in LA are like. I think. Probably. (Beauty and the Beast #1)
Aw, Hugo, you’re not sinister at all. (Beauty and the Beast #1)
Beast is kind of an asshole in this miniseries. (Beauty and the Beast #1)
GET IT? GET IT? BECAUSE IT’S THE TITLE OF THE SERIES! GET IT? (Beauty and the Beast #1)
Wow, Wonder Man. Tell us how you really feel. (Beauty and the Beast #1)
Introducing: The best characters in this series! (Also: That guy is not actually Abraham Lincoln, but we can pretend.) (Beauty and the Beast #1)
AND THEN BEAST STRANGLED A HORSE GUY WITH A PHONE CORD. (Beauty and the Beast #2)
And now, a lot of pictures of the residents of the Heartbreak Hotel! (Beauty and the Beast #2)
We decided that her superhero name is “Pantone.” (Beauty and the Beast #2)
This is Link, who is a mime? Maybe? Anyway, the Heartbreak Hotel is the best, and we want it to have its own World’s End-style series. (Beauty and the Beast #2)
Oooooooooooooooh. (Beauty and the Beast #2)
Meanwhile in Latveria, this. (Beauty and the Beast #2)
Okay, look, I know it’s a Grand-Guignol-style arena, but you have to admit that its sets are epic as hell. (Beauty and the Beast #2)
Wellp. (Beauty and the Beast #3)
And now, back to the TRUE stars of the series. (Beauty and the Beast #3)
“Oh, my god! They’ve… they’ve decanted her!” (Beauty and the Beast #3)
Awwwww. Seriously, though, do you not want to see a series about Kate’s friends and her old-school superhero (or supervillain) adventures? (Beauty and the Beast #3)
We’d like to point out that they just had this entire set and the costumes lying around. JUST IN CASE. (Beauty and the Beast #3)
That’s pretty cold, Alexander. Pretty. Cold. (Beauty and the Beast #3)
Wait, what? (Beauty and the Beast #4)
Wait, WHAT? (Beauty and the Beast #4)
WAIT, WHAT? (Beauty and the Beast #4)
Several months ago, Rachel said that Havok had the dumbest hat in the Marvel Universe. She was mistaken. Alexander von Doom has the dumbest hat in the Marvel Universe. We regret the error. (Beauty and the Beast #4)
Spoiler: He is straight-up force-choking some dudes. (Beauty and the Beast #4)
Truly the worst von Doom. (Beauty and the Beast #4)
Doctor Doom: disappointed parent. (Beauty and the Beast #4)
NO, SERIOUSLY: TALES FROM THE HEARTBREAK HOTEL. Now. Please. (Beauty and the Beast #4)
Next Week: LILA CHENEY LILA CHENEY LILA CHENEY LILA CHENEY LILA CHENEY

 

Links and Further Reading

35 – Post-Disco Panic

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download

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Art by David Wynne
Art by David Wynne

In which literally every character in Dazzler: The Movie is the absolute worst; Beauty and the Beast is secretly kind of awesome; Ann Nocenti is an editorial war-bard; Rachel issues a hat-related retraction; and we would read the hell out of Tales from the Heartbreak Hotel.

X-Plained:

  • The many mutations of Hank McCoy
  • Alison Blaire
  • Dazzler: The Movie
  • Dazzler’s corporate origins
  • The original plans for the actual unmade Dazzler movie
  • Severely off-model Storm
  • Ziggy the Butler
  • Several frankly horrifying courtships
  • Roman Nekoboh
  • Eric Beale
  • Beauty and the Beast (but not that one)
  • The correct way to open a miniseries
  • Ann Nocenti
  • Alexander Flynn
  • The importance of voice in writing Beast
  • Max Rocker
  • The Heartbreak Hotel (but not that one) and its residents
  • Nocenti narration
  • Some really dubious underground theater
  • The worst hat
  • What Dazzler’s been up to lately

NEXT WEEK: Rock’n’Roll Annuals… IN SPACE!

ART CHALLENGE: Join us in a world where Beauty and the Beast spinoff Tales from the Heartbreak Hotel is a real, published comic–and send us your fan-art from that series!

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Buy prints of this week’s illustration at our shop, or contact David Wynne for the original!