In which we sneak out of Christmas to review funnybooks, and Sixis finally (finally!) ends.
Reviewed:
All-New X-Factor #18 (0:33)
Axis #9 (2:37)
All-New X-Men Annual #1 (3:51)
*Uncanny X-Men #29 (5:56)
Death of Wolverine: The Logan Legacy #7 (8:08)
Cyclops #8 (10:24)
Magneto #13 (12:16)
*Pick of the Week (14:31)
Video reviews are made possible by the support of our Patreon subscribers. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
Art by Sal Buscema and Karl Bollers, Marvel Holiday Special 1994 one-shot (1994)
HI, LISTENERS! Some of you have been asking us to write an X-Men holiday gift guide. We think it’s very thoughtful of you to consider purchasing gifts for fictional characters, and to help you out, we have created this handy last-minute guide! Click through for our picks for Beast, Shadowcat, and six more…
THE COMPLETE GUMBY
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FOR: Beast. We already know Hank McCoy is a fan of Art Clokey’s weird green guy–in fact, back in his Defenders days, he used to collect and trade bootleg Gumby VHSs (seriously–it’s canon). Modern Beast has been having a rough time; give him an excuse to unwind with seven disks’ worth of psychedelic claymation, and maybe a plate of pot brownies.
(And now we’re imagining a stoner comedy starring Hank McCoy and Abigail Brand. MARVEL. CALL US.)
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WHAT HE’D PREFER: Moral certitude.
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BACKUP GIFT:Dr. Strange: A Separate Reality, by Steve Englehart and Frank Brunner, because you know Beast would be super into a comic about a buddy of his that two dudes literally wrote while wandering around Central Park tripping balls in the middle of the night.
RIP IT: HOW TO DECONSTRUCT AND RECONSTRUCT THE CLOTHES OF YOUR DREAMS, BY ELISSA MYRICH
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FOR: Shadowcat. The X-Men’s most die-hard superfashionista can always use another tool in her arsenal–after all, you never know when you’ll find yourself hankering for a new costume with no Shi’ar tech in sight.
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WHAT SHE’D PREFER: A canonical girlfriend.
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BACKUP GIFT:The Complete Elfquest, vol. 1.
MAGNUM, P.I.’S SIGNATURE HAWAIIAN SHIRT
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FOR: Sunspot. I mean, Bobby da Costa probably already owns one of these, or six, but you can really never have too many backup Magnum, P.I. shirts, right?
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WHAT HE’D PREFER: To actually be Magnum, P.I.
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BACKUP GIFT: A signed pinup of Tom Selleck.
THE REQUISITE UGLY HOLIDAY SWEATER
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FOR: Cyclops. Left to his own devices, Scott Summers basically dresses like a six-year-old and has a long tradition of happily sporting really, really horrible sweaters; so you know he’ll at least get some use from it. (Plus, if he hates it, he’ll probably be too polite to say anything.)
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WHAT HE’D PREFER: A world in which he’s functionally irrelevant.
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BACKUP GIFT: Socks.
ERROL FLYNN FILM COLLECTION
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FOR: Nightcrawler. Kurt Wagner is a huge Errol Flynn fan, to the point of modifying his image inducer to reproduce the visage of the classic swashbuckler; so he’s sure to enjoy a boxed set of Flynn’s most famous films.
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WHAT HE’D PREFER: A soul.
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BACKUP GIFT: A collection of John Donne sonnets.
LOCAS: THE MAGGIE AND HOPIE STORIES, BY JAIME HERNANDEZ
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FOR: Magik. I have no actual narrative justification for this. I just think Magik would really dig some Love & Rockets.
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WHAT SHE’D PREFER: Nothing your fragile mortal mind can grasp, kid.
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BACKUP GIFT: A iPod preloaded with pop-culture nostalgia podcasts. For someone who runs with the unusually pop-savvy New Mutants, Illyana has spent relatively little of her life with any kind of media access.
CLASSIC X-MEN PVC SET
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FOR: Iceman. Bobby Drake is all about original-five nostalgia, and he’s kind of a goofball, so he would probably enjoy the hell out of this X-Men PVC set, featuring the original team, Professor X, and Magneto (and one of the better Iceman sculpts out there).
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WHAT HE’D PREFER: For Professor X to still be alive and everyone to be friends again.
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BACKUP GIFT: An Elsa tiara.
ALL SEVEN SEASONS OF DESIGNING WOMEN
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FOR: Rogue. Look, Rogue does not need another pair of fancy gloves. What Rogue needs is seven seasons of the most badass, progressive, Bechdel-test-acing Southern-lady sitcom of all time.
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WHAT SHE’D PREFER: A three-day bender with Julia Sugarbaker, and maybe conscious control over her powers.
They’ll block your optic blasts AND give you +4 to Inscrutable Coolness!
A question we get pretty frequently is “Where did Rachel get those red sunglasses?” The answer–almost universally–is “Which ones?”
I own a lot of red sunglasses–in fact, for a long time, all the sunglasses I owned were red. It’s part homage, part aesthetic preference (red sunglasses are cool, okay?), and part security blanket: Cyclops is a character I identify pretty closely with for a lot of reasons, and the sunglasses have become a pretty central touchstone for that metaphor. (Plus, everyone needs at least one ridiculous visual affectation, right?)
Suffice to say: I’ve gotten really good at hunting down red sunglasses. And this week, I’m going to teach you my secrets.
No, seriously. I own a lot of red sunglasses.
Fair warning: This is gonna get involved. In fact, it’s gonna get involved enough that I decided pretty early on to break it into three parts. Part one will cover the movie versions of Cyclops’s shades. Part two will be a general hunting guide–where and how to search for what you’re after, brands, options, and some personal favorites. And in part three, I’ll point you to real-world matches for specific pairs from the comics. (If you’ve got any requests on that front, drop ’em in the comments here, and I’ll see what I can do!)
I’m starting with the movies because they’re the most precise of the bunch in terms of brands and details (to a point, anyway, but we’ll get into that shortly). With one exception, they’re also the highest-ticket items by a wide margin. Most of the sunglasses you’ll see in the later installments of this guide will hover around or under $20; but these can pretty easily run you upwards of $500, depending on the level of precision and customization you’re after.
Click through for the red lenses of the silver screen! (Includes a very minor spoilers for X-Men: Days of Future Past.)
There is a lot going on in The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans.
The best thing about Metron is that his eyebrows are part of his costume. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Things we never get tired of: Cyclops using his powers to cheat at pool. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Darkseid is Creepy Santa (so, basically, Santa). (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Cyclops has a bad day. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
How Gar manages to get an image that specific from her description remains a mystery. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Flash Fact: Wally West is the best Flash, and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of lies.
Deathstroke the Terminator: the assassin who designed his costume to be as visible as possible against pretty much any backdrop. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
The Greys just CANNOT catch a break. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Simonson doing cosmic Kirby is our jam, now and forever. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Were we less mature and tasteful, this is where we’d put a “butte sex” joke. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Probably not actually the fourth wall. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Oh, that’s not gonna end well. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
TEAM-UP! (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
You know this is the happiest moment of Kitty Pryde’s entire life. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Along with fire and life, slightly creepy Cyclops feels are a running Phoenix Force motif. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
Can we talk about how very much better this Cyclops-as-Phoenix costume is than the AvX version? (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
This isn’t actually all that relevant, but we couldn’t resist one last page of cosmic Simonson art. (The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans)
We are pretty into crossovers that come with convenient captioned character guides! (The X-Men and the Micronauts #1)
This is Kitty’s regular Ariel costume, so, no need to drink. Yet. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #1)
Baron Karza is Darth Vader Plus. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #1)
A possibly recognizable villain. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #1)
I’d like to take a moment to point out that the Professor Xavier who is punishing Kitty for thinking too loudly is explicitly good Professor X. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #1)
Action-figure-sized people fighting normal-sized people: NEVER NOT HILARIOUS. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #1)
Look at that snazzy title treatment! (The X-Men and the Micronauts #2)
Okay, that’s extra creepy. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #2)
One of the better pratfall panels. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #2)
Let’s check and see if the action-figures-vs.-full-size-people thing is still funny when the action figures are the good guys. YES. YES, IT IS. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #2)
This conceit really never stops being entertaining. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #2)
Seriously, how the hell did no one see Onslaught coming? (The X-Men and the Micronauts #2)
To be fair, she’s both body-swapped with Baron Karza AND mind-controlled by Evil Professor Xavier. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #3)
“Oh, HELL, yes,” says Kitty. “Cross THAT one off the bucket list.” (The X-Men and the Micronauts #3)
The worst part is that he gets so much creepier. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #3)
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE (The X-Men and the Micronauts #4)
Remember the time Phoenix wiped out one planet, so Jean Grey had to die? Yeah, so do we. Marvel editorial, not so much. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #4)
Modified rule: When someone else in Kitty’s body makes her a new costume, steal someone else’s drink. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #4)
JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO IMAGINE HOW MUCH FUNNIER X-MEN WOULD BE IF THEY’D STAYED SIX INCHES TALL. (The X-Men and the Micronauts #4)
Next week: Captain America in a loincloth!
Links and Further Reading
Information and links to donate toward Bill Mantlo’s ongoing care
(You can also send physical donations–and cards and letters–addressed as follows:
Mike Mantlo
26364 East Pintail Road
Long Neck, DE 19966
Please make out any checks to “Michael Mantlo” — Bill’s legal guardian.)
In which we dive into two crossovers; our DCU is the DCAU; the Greys just cannot catch a break; Darkseid is basically Santa Claus; the Phoenix Force has Cyclops feels; Baron Karza is the sonic screwdriver of supervillains; and the Enigma Force is aptly named.
CONTENT NOTE: The Micronauts portion of this episode involves not-particularly-graphic but still fairly involved discussions of sexual violence. If that’s not something you want to listen to, we’d recommend stopping the episode after the Teen Titans portion at 26:26, and fast-forwarding to 47:52 for conclusions, questions, and outro.
X-Plained:
Crossover Earth
Amalgam
Crossovers
The Uncanny X-Men and the New Teen Titans
The Teen Titans
The One True Flash
Cosmic Kirby
Darkseid
Metron
The Source Wall
Deathstroke the Terminator
Ravok
Butte sex
Cyclops and the Phoenix Force
The X-Men and the Micronauts #1-4
Bill Mantlo
The Hero Initiative
Micronauts
The Microverse
Baron Karza
Evil Xavier (more)(again)(seriously, how is anyone still surprised when this happens)
Several moral event horizons crossed in quick succession
Female protagonists in X-books
Next Week: Captain America in a loincloth!
You can find a visual companion to the episode on our blog.
In which we really want a Nightcrawler-and-Northstar road-trip buddy movie and are guardedly optimistic about Cyclops.
Reviewed:
Cyclops #7 (00:25)
*Amazing X-Men #13 (2:37)
Death of Wolverine: The Logan Legacy #5 (6:06)
Wolverine and the X-Men #12 (8:48)
*Pick of the week (11:18)
Video reviews are made possible by the support of our Patreon subscribers. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
This ridiculous motherfucker who is now THREE PEOPLE. What the hell, Fantomex?
This isn’t Cyclops’s worst vacation. Hell, it’s not even his worst honeymoon. (X-Men #176)
Wolverine and Mariko: dealing with relationship issues like grown-ups. We choose to believe that wearing a mask that looks like your hair is a prerogative of adulthood. (X-Men #176)
You’d REALLY THINK Scott would know what an octopus looks like by now, but I guess he was blindfolded for a lot of his time in Octopusheim. (X-Men #176)
Scott! The sea’s a lovely lady when you play in her. But if you play with her, she’s a BITCH! Play in the sea, yes, but never play with her. You’re lucky to be here! You’re lucky to be ALIVE! (X-Men #176, with sincere apologies to the late, great Spalding Gray. Seriously, go watch Swimming to Cambodia. And Monster in a Box. And Gray’s Anatomy. Now.)
Yeah, good luck with that, Sparky. (X-Men #176)
Val Cooper: Definitely the sister of Special Agent Dale Cooper.
The early ’80s: A more innocent time, when all a hero needed was coke and epic shoulder pads, and you could kill Wolverine by slitting his throat. (X-Men #177)
Why is Alex dressed like an elf? (X-Men #177)
As diversions go, that’s a pretty impressively orchestrated one. Go, Brotherhood! (X-Men #177)
CYCLOPS WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN WRONG WITN YOU (X-Men #178)
“Get the asprin, Rogue. I feel a crossover event coming on.” (X-Men #178)
Awyeah. (X-Men #178)
Why is Kitty wearing an unbranded Fantastic 4 costume? Who the hell knows? Do we even need a reason, at this point? (X-Men #178)
99% sure Cyndi Lauper wrote a song about this. (X-Men #179)
This is innocuous in context, until you realize he’s sniffing a dead teenager in a morgue. (X-Men #179)
Aw, Leech. (X-Men #179)
LOOK AT THIS FUCKING WIZARD LOOK AT HIS HAT LOOK AT HOW HE CLEARLY BELONGS ON THE SET OF FLASH GORDON (X-Men #179)
Professor Xavier engages in a rare moment of being absolutely delightful. (X-Men #178)
I like to imagine that Kitty and Doug’s side adventures are the subject of a mid-’80s feature film starring Jenny Lewis. (X-Men #180)
Sky closure is the best closure. (X-Men #180)
Literally the only worthwhile panel in all twelve issues of Secret Wars. (Secret Wars #1)
“I’ll see she’s raised as if she were my own. HOPE SHE LIKES BEING DROWNED IN PUDDLES.” (X-Men #181)
Oh. That guy. Again. (X-Men #181)
This Erica Henderson drawing of Warlock and Cypher doing Troy and Abed in the Morning may be the single nerdiest thing Rachel owns, and that’s saying something.
In which Cyclops is the worst at vacations, Mystique is your favorite MurderMom™, Havok is eternally ABD, Kitty Pryde does science, Callisto doesn’t give a damn about her bad reputation, Xavier has a Troy Barnes moment, Miles may be the only person with fond memories of Secret Wars, and Rachel finally gets to make Spalding Gray references.
X-Plained:
Fantomex
Uncanny X-Men #176-181
Reset issues
Scott Summers’s second-worst honeymoon
Cephalopod disambiguation
Project Wideawake (more) (again)
Valerie Cooper
Foreshadowing
Public displays of affection
Leech
How X-Men age
A sewer wizard
Doug Ramsey
Secret Wars
Japan
Mystique’s kids
Douglock
Mystique’s powers
The other X-Men Forever
Next Week: The New Mutants gets weird!
You can find a visual companion to the episode – and links to recommended reading – on our blog.
We don’t normally post outtakes here–normally, they’re a Patreon subscriber perk, available exclusively on our backstage blog–but if there’s anyone who justifies exceptions to the rules, it’s Adam X the X-Treme.
To see more outtakes–as well as episode outlines and other behind-the-scenes content–you can subscribe to our Patreon at any level that includes access to the backstage blog!
Meanwhile, in this week’s videos, we’re getting into the spirit of the Stealth/Plainclothes Cosplay Contest (and Halloween). We’ll be doing that next week, too–as long as the contest is running–but here’s what we’re dressed as this week:
Miles is stealth cosplaying Adam X the X-Treme.
Braids, backward baseball cap, t-shirt with spiked epaulets, THIS FACE.
Rachel is plainclothes cosplaying X-Men Evolution Cyclops.
Teal v-neck sweater, yellow t-shirt, khaki pants, brown belt, red sunglasses, doofy ’90s hair.
In which we compare a comic book to Nerds Rope (TM), and you should really be reading X-Force already.
Reviewed:
Amazing X-Men #12
Axis #3
Cyclops #6
X-Force #11*
All-New X-Factor #15
The Logan Legacy #2
*Pick of the week
Video reviews are made possible by the support of our Patreon subscribers. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!
