bobby drake – Page 8 – Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

211 – A Cornucopia of Mayhem: X-Cutioner’s Song (Part 2 of 3)

August 26, 2018 Jay 16 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which Jubilee is underwhelmed by X-Force; Havok and Gambit make weirdly good buddy cops; Department K is a hot vacation destination; Cable is secretly a Coen Brothers protagonist; you can cancel Community but you can never take away Jay’s gratuitous Community references; Rusty goes full cultist; nobody is Stryfe’s real dad; smoking on a space station is a REALLY bad idea; Apocalypse is here to help; and Miles lies at length about music.

X-PLAINED:

Kuurth
Various Juggernauts
The Story So Far
More trading-card taxonomy
Uncanny X-Men #295
X-Factor #85
X-Men #15
X-Force #17
Varyingly hilarious misunderstandings
Wire Mothers: Harry Harlow and the Science of Love
What happened
Good Cop / Sleazy Cop
A deal
A tragic absence of Draculas
The Coen Brothers’ X-Cutioner’s Song
Thanksgiving with Cable
Miles’s summer camp hijinks
Murderbots in space (again)
A dubious strategy
MLF Redshirts
The second time someone force-fed superheroes baby food in space
A dropped plot thread
Things you shouldn’t do on space stations
Additional awkward reunions
Whether Stryfe is a Summers
The X-Cutioner’s signature karaoke song

NEXT EPISODE: Dang, this event is long.

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 210 – The End of Tomorrow

August 19, 2018 Miles Leave a comment

Listen to the podcast here!

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

What Rogue’s wearing was actually our school uniform back in 1992! (Uncanny X-Men #294)

Scott, you chowderhead. (Uncanny X-Men #294)

Do NOT invite Caliban to your wedding. Or probably to anything. (Uncanny X-Men #294)

You know, sometimes Professor Xavier really isn’t a jerk. (Uncanny X-Men #294)

Professor Xavier is shot in the dark future of Earth-811… (New Mutants #18)

…and in the dark present of Earth-616. (Uncanny X-Men #294)

Kids, your day is not going to get better from here. (Uncanny X-Men #294)

Have we mentioned we love Jae Lee’s art? We love Jae Lee’s art. (X-Factor #84)

At karaoke, Archangel’s voice is just okay, but his performance is 10/10. (X-Factor #84)

I mean, let’s be real – that’s pretty hot. (X-Factor #84)

EVERYBODY FIGHTS EVERYBODY (X-Factor #84)

The X-Men are so good at posing in this era. (X-Factor #84)

“Dear diary: I finally said it! I said the line!” (X-Factor #84)

Man, Andy Kubert could draw someone doing their taxes and it’d look superheroic. (X-Men #14)

Except that time 16 years later when you shoot him in the head, ya doof. (X-Men #14)

Jean Grey: CGC 8.4 Scott Summers: CGC 7.2 (X-Men #14)

Not Rictor’s best pickup line… But also not his worst. (X-Men #14)

Apocalypse, you have got to turn your shower temperature down. That hot water is awful for your skin. (X-Men #14)

That’s a clove cigarette, in case you can’t tell. (X-Men #14)

X-Force: both very sympathetic and very colorful! I miss when badasses wore colors other than black. (X-Force #16)

EVERYBODY FIGHTS EVERYBODY SOME MORE (X-Force #16)

“You see, Piotr, this is how we entered every building back in our X-Factor days!” (X-Force #16)

Mister Sinister: pleased as punch. (X-Force #16)

There’s seriously nothing we can add to this. (X-Force #16)

Best not to dwell. (X-Force #16)

NEXT EPISODE: It is definitely not.

LINKS & FURTHER ADVENTURES:

Jay’s X-Men Valentines were in somewhat questionable taste.
Our Discord server is delightful. You can join it here.

210 – The End of Tomorrow: X-Cutioner’s Song (Part 1 of 3)

August 19, 2018 Jay 21 comments

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In which you may or may not have your own Black Bug Room; FlameCon was in fact every bit as wonderful as we projected (and more); Caliban hates true love; no one will ever be as extra as Mister Sinister; X-Cutioner’s Song is secretly a farce; we achieve Peak Cable; and the quintessential ’90s crossover event begins!

X-PLAINED:

The Black Bug Room
A good deal of pre-event status quo
Uncanny X-Men #294
X-Factor #84
X-Men #14
X-Force #16
Trading card taxonomy
The opening strains of a crossover event
A concert that worked out better in theory than in practice
An abduction
Several attempted murders
A large number of awkward reunions
An even larger number of inter-team brawls
Two villains pretending to be other villains
Cape logistics
Peak Cable
Many pouches
Many guns
The origin of Hope Summers
Our hopes for mutants in the MCU

NEXT EPISODE: Aw, Stryfe, no.

NOTE: At one point in this episode, Miles said “X-Force” when he actually meant “X-Factor.” If you can tell us where, you win the prize of eternal smugness (not as much smugness as Sinister, but still a lot).

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 203 – The X-Man’s Burden

July 1, 2018 Miles 3 comments

Listen to the podcast here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Hmm. Well. (Uncanny X-Men #291)

Impressive pajamas! Ever-present shotguns! Sexy (not-quite-) dead girls! Extra-spiky Archangel Wings! Banter! This one’s got it all. (Uncanny X-Men #291)

I know you were in the Void Dimension for a while, Mikhail, but… did you forget how shirts work? (Uncanny X-Men #291)

I don’t know what it is about the astral plane being colored with highlighters that works for me, but man, does it ever. (Uncanny X-Men #291)

I go back and forth on Tom Raney’s art, but he draws a hell of a Callisto. (Uncanny X-Men #291)

This is a cool group shot and all, but PLEASE NOTE THE MORLOCK WHO IS VERY EXCITED TO EAT A ROCK. Or bash his buddy with it, I guess. But I’m pretty sure he’s eating it. (Uncanny X-Men #291)

But… the Morlocks were never trapped! Well, I guess now they’re extra not trapped. (Uncanny X-Men #291)

One of my very favorite 90s covers of all time, only improved by the confusing colorful party lights above the logo. (Uncanny X-Men #292)

In the next panel, Colossus and Bishop passionately kiss. (Uncanny X-Men #292)

I’ll give Mikhail one thing: he’s legitimately scary. (Uncanny X-Men #292)

Warren, you’ve been through a lot, but… you do know that this is the other place you were nailed to a wall in the Morlock tunnels, right? Right? (Uncanny X-Men #292)

Miles had so many nightmares about this guy 26 years ago. (Uncanny X-Men #292)

To be fair, Callisto keeps all of her clothing in pots. Storm, having played Zelda>, does not. (Uncanny X-Men #292)

Sure, Professor Xavier can be a jerk – but every once in a while, we remember why he runs the school. (Uncanny X-Men #292)

We’ve all got that family member. (Uncanny X-Men #293)

The advantage of being drawn in a 90s superhero comic is that you can do this. (Uncanny X-Men #293)

Everything about that last panel is solid gold. (Uncanny X-Men #293)

I know we say that Cannonball is the best kid or that Warlock is the best kid, but Colossus is kind of also the best kid. (Not that his judgment is necessarily all that great…) (Uncanny X-Men #293)

God, right in the heart. (Uncanny X-Men #293)

NEXT TIME: Miles and Hub talk travel back to the Bronze Age!

The rad lawyer we mentioned in the episode is Katie Lane – check out her website for all kinds of good stuff!

203 – The X-Man’s Burden

July 1, 2018 Miles 35 comments

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In which the Morlocks used to have more agency, we have a surprising amount to say about the Rat King from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Archangel receives some exceptionally disturbing news, and 90s comics are all about finding the parts you love.

X-PLAINED:

Marrow’s internal organs
The post-Image Exodus era
Judging books by their covers
Uncanny X-Men #291-293
Sexy dead girls (again)
The Morlock leadership vacuum
A significant Callisto personality retcon
Failures of leadership due to own-death-faking
The magical life and magical death of the Morlock Sewer Wizard
Science Made Stupid
Storm’s claustrophobia (again)
MeMe, scourge of Miles’s childhood
90s Jean Grey: cartoon vs comic
The Br’er Rabbit Technique
Some unfortunate and significant continuity errors
Professor Xavier’s impressive upper body strength
Mikhail Rasputin’s genuinely terrifying mutant powers
Bobby Drake’s potential
Morlock organizational techniques
Mikhail Rasputin’s very bad plan
Jean Grey’s real talk
The Home for Infinite Losers
Piotr Rasputin, tragedy collector
Copyright law and Fair Use
Queer headcanon
X-beards

NEXT EPISODE: Hub from Titan Up the Defense joins Miles to talk Bronze Age X-weirdness!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 198 – How to Destroy the Universe Without Really Trying

May 20, 2018 Jay 2 comments

Listen to the episode here!

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Alas, the Walter Simonson cover is a false alarm. (Excalibur: Air Apparent)

Sweet threads, Brigadier! (Excalibur: Air Apparent)

Life Model Decoy life is hard. (Excalibur: Air Apparent)

At this point, she should really just change her code name to “Ripley.” (Excalibur: Air Apparent)

Thiiiiiiiiis guy. (Excalibur: Air Apparent)

“Maybe, like, a buck fifty?” (Excalibur: Air Apparent)

And that’s why we don’t experiment on ourselves, Dr. Cayre. (Excalibur: Air Apparent)

Air-Walker is a cyborg who loves his work. (Excalibur: Air Apparent)

And now, a whole bunch of Lockheed making really good shifty faces! (Excalibur: Air Apparent)

Seriously, it’s basically just this for like six images. (Excalibur: Air Apparent)

What, you thought I was joking? (Excalibur: Air Apparent)

I was not joking. (Excalibur: Air Apparent)

(Okay, fine, I also threw in a Captain Britain suit on fire.) (Excalibur: Air Apparent)

But here’s one more Lockheed, for good measure! (Excalibur: Air Apparent)

“Remember when I basically destroyed the universe? Good times!” (Excalibur: Air Apparent)

Well, it’s no Excalibur #41 or 52, but I guess it’ll do. (Excalibur: XX Crossing)

He’s got style, I’ll give him that. (Excalibur: XX Crossing)

Doom is a tough audience. (Excalibur: XX Crossing)

Scott Summers: hopelessly uncool in just about any time period. (Excalibur: XX Crossing)

World War II Angel may in fact be the best Angel. Dang! (Excalibur: XX Crossing)

But what could it be?! (Excalibur: XX Crossing)

IT’S A HONKER OF DOOM! (Excalibur: XX Crossing)

Sure, why not? (Excalibur: XX Crossing)

This is one of those costumes that really only works in specific art styles; but this is one of them. (Excalibur: XX Crossing)

I mean, he is kind of a notorious dick… (Excalibur: XX Crossing)

He died as he lived: crushed under a tower of word balloons. (Excalibur: XX Crossing)

That Kitty and Bobby briefly dated later makes this much funnier. (Excalibur: XX Crossing)

NEXT EPISODE: Shattershot!

LINKS & FURTHER READING:

How to Snakes is one of the best things on YouTube. Watch, listen, and learn.
Our RoboCop Remake is amazing and ABSOLUTELY NOT SAFE FOR WORK. You’ve been warned.
This Monty Python sketch may clarify a few of Jay’s more bizarre moments in this episode.
To learn all about Honkers, listen to Episode 197 – Wolverine and the Honker of Doom.

198 – How to Destroy the Universe Without Really Trying

May 20, 2018 Jay 41 comments

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Android | RSS

In which Excalibur goes 16-bit platformer; Alysande gets new threads; Shadowcat should probably just change her code name to Ripley; Captain Britain may or may not destroy the universe; Doctor Doom tries his hand at human resources; Excalibur is at home with weirdness; and no lizard needs breasts.

X-PLAINED:

Invisible Boy
Human heralds of Galactus
Excalibur Special Editions
Excalibur: Air Apparent
Excalibur: XX Crossing
Dr. Jonothon Cayre
Norm the LMD
Lava pits of Scotland
Some dubious herpetology
Eric the Cyborg (Coldblood-7)
Robert Cop
Special Man
Air-Walker and/or Gabriel Lam
A cosmic explosion
Captain Britain’s extra costume
Sidestep
An exceptionally awkward job interview
A counterintuitive plan
The other time-displaced X-Men
The best version of Angel
Angel’s third-greatest nemesis
Gladiator Hank
A very fancy vest
The best Excalibur Special Edition
The Phalanx vs. the Technarchy
Warlock vs. gender
Our thoughts on Avengers: Infinity War

Note: according to the letter column from Excalibur #54, at least some of the art credits for Excalibur: XX Crossing were incorrect, so some of our descriptions of who drew what in this episode are wrong. See the comments below for more information!

NEXT EPISODE: Shattershot!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 193 – Sewers of Tomorrow

April 15, 2018 Jay 8 comments

Listen to the podcast here!

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

On one hand: These dudes are pretty rad. On the other hand: being able to detect normal humans is a pretty ridiculous mutant power. (Uncanny X-Men #277)

John Romita, Jr. can be hit-or-miss, but he definitely draws some rad miscreants of the future. (Uncanny X-Men #277)

WOMP. (Uncanny X-Men #277)

Compulsory Fitzroy Hair Appreciation Moment(TM). (Uncanny X-Men #277)

The Witness, in all his really creepy glory. (Uncanny X-Men #277)

Can you imagine trying to have a conversation with this dude? (Uncanny X-Men #277)

I don’t understand what’s happening with Cyclops’s torso; and, frankly, I don’t want to. (Uncanny X-Men #278)

“Look! A distraction!” (Uncanny X-Men #278)

The first appearance of the letter… (Uncanny X-Men #278)

…and the second, FROM THE SAME FLIPPIN’ PAGE. (Uncanny X-Men #278)

Thaaaaat’s our Archangel! (Uncanny X-Men #278)

Can confirm. -Jay (Uncanny X-Men #278)

*Today, at least. (Uncanny X-Men #278)

Long Island cops are clearly unfamiliar with Cyburai. (Uncanny X-Men #279)

Mystique is exceptionally bad at helping. (Uncanny X-Men #279)

Damnit, Forge. (Uncanny X-Men #279)

Storm’s reaction is appropriate. (Uncanny X-Men #279)

Bobby. Have you MET your parents? (Uncanny X-Men #279)

Best. Date. Ever. (Uncanny X-Men #279)

Remember that time Mikhail Rasputin turned a random skater into a tree? Because that certainly happened. (Uncanny X-Men #280)

Hanging out naked in the rain? This dude is DEFINITELY learning the ropes from Storm. (Uncanny X-Men #280)

DAMNIT, Forge. (Uncanny X-Men #280)

NEXT EPISODE: Brood trouble in the Big Easy!

LINKS & FURTHER READING

Learn all about the Cyburai in Episode 160 – Hank McCoy and the Hickey of Destiny!
Laura Dern is precious and must be protected at all costs.

193 – Sewers of Tomorrow

April 15, 2018 Jay 28 comments

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Android | RSS

In which we pour one out for Malcolm and Randall; Cyclops is the worst at fun; Storm is better than you and always will be; Bishop forgets his first name; the X-Men can’t tie bow ties; Iceman’s dad is spectacularly awful; Mikhail Rasputin may have some lingering issues; and Doug Ramsey would probably have been pretty entertained by Hackers if he had survived long enough to see it.

X-PLAINED:

Whether Professor Xavier is dead
Marvel time vs. podcast time
Uncanny X-Men #287-290
The Wit and Wisdom of Henry McCoy
A dance of death and destruction
Styglut
Future flashbacks
Sewers of tomorrow
The Witness
“Fun”
Blood math
A mysterious letter
A terrible date
Several capes
The return of the cyburai
A theoretical Hackers crossover

NEXT EPISODE: Brood trouble in the Big Easy!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

We’re in the process of migrating our official shop to TeePublic! Click over to check it out! (You can still find the designs we haven’t moved yet at Redbubble.)

As Mentioned in Episode 186 – Right in the Melee

February 25, 2018 Jay One comment

Listen to the podcast here!

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Sunfire’s new costume. (Uncanny X-Men #284)

Spoiler: Nah. (Uncanny X-Men #284)

The shiniest Predators. (Uncanny X-Men #284)

This is gonna seem more ironic in a few pages. (Uncanny X-Men #284)

That’s our Sunfire! (Uncanny X-Men #284)

Yep. The folks in the Predator masks look… exactly like humans. (Uncanny X-Men #284)

Spoiler: The cake is a lie. (Uncanny X-Men #285)

Interdimensional travel faces. (Uncanny X-Men #285)

A very expository landing. (Uncanny X-Men #285)

I would make a “No groveling! This is a proper Soviet household!” joke, but I feel like The Twelve Chairs might be an excessively deep cut even by my standards. (Uncanny X-Men #285)