Bastion – Page 3 – Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

362 – Lazy Summer Day

February 13, 2022 Jay 4 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which Chris Bachalo draws excellent critters; Bastion is a terrible boss; everyone fucks in the Danger Room; Jubilee fails a midterm; and humans were the real monsters all along.

X-PLAINED:

The worst mutant power
Generation X #20-21
X-Factor #127
Bachalo critters
Bastion (more) (again)
Daria (but not the one you’re thinking of)
Chevy the janitor (again)
Mean Cuisine
Harker the cat
A threatening salad
Yet another time-traveling Nate
Flirting
A movie reference
U.S.1 and Baron von Blimp
Several ways to fail a midterm
“Autism”
Miguela Torres
Trevor Chase
A series of interviews
Richard Starkings and Comicraft
Destiny’s absence from film

NEXT EPISODE: Baseball!

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As Mentioned in Episode 357 – The Semiotics of Regret

December 26, 2021 Jay 3 comments

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

This cover accomplishes what it sets out to do so beautifully… (Uncanny X-Men #337)

…as does its credits page. (Uncanny X-Men #337)

Nothing is entirely okay here. (Uncanny X-Men #337)

Hank, no. (Uncanny X-Men #337)

And wistfulness for dessert. (Uncanny X-Men #337)

Ah, that cover. Again. (X-Men #57)

Versions of this have been used roughly a zillion times; but it always works. (X-Men #57)

The 616, where televisions always flip through the most scene-appropriate clips. (X-Men #57)

Clean up your damn flechettes, Warren Kenneth Worthington III. (X-Men #57)

(He’s not covered in water; it’s the anti-psy field and the evocation of Days of Future Past.) (Onslaught Epilogue #1)

Not… the Rainbow Bears?! (Onslaught Epilogue #1)

Hi, kiddo. (Onslaught Epilogue #1)

Psychology is… different, here. (Onslaught Epilogue #1)

Sure, why not? (Onslaught Epilogue #1)

NEXT EPISODE: GIANT-SIZE WINTER SPECIAL, feat. Jonathan Hickman!

As Mentioned in Episode 356 – The Michael Bay-eux Tapestry

December 19, 2021 Miles Leave a comment

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

The 90s-est Rogue in the 90s-est crossover. (X-Men #56)

“Who but I could pose so impressively?” (X-Men #56)

“SENTINEL TZ-031 REPORTING TO HELP YOU MAKE YOUR POINT, SIR” (X-Men #56)

This Onslaught-form may mostly be a retcon to justify past artistic inconsistency – but damn it looks awesome. (X-Men #56)

“And not even one of them told me the actually-important parts of AoA’s whole deal.” (X-Men #56)

Kubert gets so much credit for making a quiet conversation this visually riveting. (X-Men #56)

“You may be a hybrid monstrosity composed of the worst parts of both myself and my greatest frenemy, but at least you seem to have excellent dental hygiene.” (X-Men #56)

This cover kinda sums it up. And that’s not a bad thing. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Well shit. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Scott Summers, master tactician. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Goosebumps. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

The world’s greatest heroes versus a bright orange glow to the right of the two-page spread. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Hope, thy name is Moppet. Despair, thy name is x-treme teen. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

“And on that day, the heroes channeled their collective courage and dedication into a single blast of punching and yelling.” (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

BTOOM (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

I’m not crying you’re crying (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

*heavy metal horns* (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Thor, that’s not how it… oh, I guess it is. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Man, these two (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

Nothing I can say will add to these panels. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

This shouldn’t work, but damn, it does. (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

“In the meantime, I guess you could grab that universe-in-a-ball and learn contact juggling?” (Onslaught: Marvel Universe)

NEXT TIME: Onslaught ends, for real.

356 – The Michael Bay-eux Tapestry

December 19, 2021 Miles 7 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which it’s hard to be Joseph; we do our best to explain the inexplicable; Miles is full of feelings; Hulk smashes; and Onslaught finally (mostly) ends.

X-PLAINED:

Heroes Reborn Return
Wild times with the Dreaming Celestial
Onslaught so far
X-Men #56
Onslaught: Marvel Universe
Jay’s definitive Bond
Joseph (more)
The physical evolution of Onslaught
Sense of scale
Hawkeye (TV series)
Onslaught’s goals, to what extent they exist
The three genders
A really big fight
A miracle of magnetism
The (nominal) end of the Age of Heroes
Beast’s scientific career
Chamber’s voice

NEXT EPISODE: Several epilogues

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As Mentioned in Episode 348 – Onslaught Continues

October 3, 2021 Jay Leave a comment

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In Apocalypse’s defense, this is also roughly what I wear to sleep. (Uncanny X-Men #335)

“Quick! Let’s fight for no reason!” (Uncanny X-Men #335)

“Next, we’re gonna shut down Blue Man Group.” (X-Men Unlimited #11)

This is what every bar is like, right? (X-Men Unlimited #11)

Rogue has no time for your nonsense. (X-Men Unlimited #11)

Damn, Bastion. Cold. (X-Men Unlimited #11)

“Do you like… magnets?” (X-Men Unlimited #11)

SEE? GUN ARM! (X-Men Unlimited #11)

Did Thor ever actually wear that outfit in a comic book? (Avengers #401)

Vision is RIGHT THERE, man. (Avengers #401)

Including this panel entirely for Gratuitously Topless Thor. (Avengers #401)

Uncalled for, Silver-Age callback. (Avengers #401)

That is not the face of a man who has driven around in a magnet-shaped car. (Avengers #401)

NEXT EPISODE: More Onslaught (but also Sinister)!

348 – Onslaught Continues

October 3, 2021 Jay 8 comments

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In which all the heroes fight each other, a lot.

X-PLAINED:

Teenage Iron Man
Onslaught thus far
What Onslaught wants
Uncanny X-Men #335
X-Men Unlimited #11
Avengers #401
The rebirth of Apocalypse
The Apocalocophagous
The Age of Wonders
X-Man vs. Professor X
Nate Grey-sitting
Humanity’s Last Stand
Simon Trask
Bastion
Rogue and Joseph
Avengers fashion
Assumptions
Other characters who could merge Onslaught-style
Origins of the Angry Claremontean Narrator

NEXT EPISODE: Yes, still Onslaught.

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342 – Angry Birds

August 8, 2021 Miles 14 comments

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In which Miles does his best, birds are weird, some of the most dangerous villains are pink, and we are in the Onslaught Zone.

X-PLAINED:

- - Malibu Comics and Marvel Comics, sitting in a (multiversal) tree, KILLING
  - Archangel: Phantom Wings
  - Unorthodox artistic decisions
  - Archangel (Warren Kenneth Worthington III)
  - Angst, renewed
  - Bird ichor
  - Tuesday Bird and her Mad Max outfit
  - How (not?) to flirt
  - Uncanny X-Men #333
  - Various Roberts Kelly
  - Graydon Creed, doin’ Mom proud
  - Bastion, Nimrod, & Master Mold
  - Operation Zero Tolerance
  - X-Teams and their lanes
  - A naked murder-uncle
  - Pink villains
  - Obscure callbacks
  - Event synergy
  - X-Men #53
  - Day to-day challenges of telepathy
  - Super-Saiyan Magneto
  - Phoenix (Jean Grey), actual adult
  - Onslaught
  - That scene from 1964’s X-Men #3
  - A surprisingly insightful look at Professor X’s dark side
  - Logan’s assorted friendships with teen girls
  - XMEN Disease

NEXT EPISODE: X-Force gets, predictably, x-treme.

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As Mentioned in Episode 339 – Luck Be a Lady

July 11, 2021 Jay Leave a comment

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(Press the “i” icon in the bottom-right to see captions in the gallery. It’s a known WordPress bug we’re still looking for a way around!)

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Wolverine, now with 100% less nose. (Uncanny X-Men #332)

Because no X-Man has ever made a worse decision, ever, right? (Uncanny X-Men #332)

Honestly, I’d be worried, too. (Uncanny X-Men #332)

Aw, Nate. (Uncanny X-Men #332)

Way to make it weird, Logan. (Wolverine #101)

Never not adorable. (Wolverine #101)

Elektra cameo! (Wolverine #101)

Meanwhile in a Bob Ross painting… (Uncanny X-Men Annual 1996)

Preacher needs to get better at stretching his canvases. (Uncanny X-Men Annual 1996)

The Bishop carry. (Uncanny X-Men Annual 1996)

Ouch. (Uncanny X-Men Annual 1996)

Oh, THAT guy, again. (Uncanny X-Men Annual 1996)

Seriously, this seems logistically unlikely. (Uncanny X-Men Annual 1996)

Depixelization is no fun, apparently. (Uncanny X-Men Annual 1996)

And she’s back! (Uncanny X-Men Annual 1996)

NEXT EPISODE: X.S.E.!

LINKS & FURTHER TOMFOOLERY

Learn more about Preacher in Episode 317 – Acquaintances of Humanity.
Kate Beaton’s Wolverine is an eternal delight.
Please note that Dave Cockrum’s art of Nightcrawler and Storm doing that is not remotely work-safe.

339 – Luck Be a Lady

July 11, 2021 Jay 4 comments

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In which evil robots are fundamentally more optimistic than climate change; Ozymandias could probably use a new hobby; Wolverine goes full Kate Beaton; “Luck Be a Lady” would be a kickass hymn; Shard gets a body (kinda); and the X-Men definitely do that.

X-PLAINED:

Some of Stryfe’s team-ups
Fatal Attractions (briefly)
X-Cutioner’s Song (briefly)
Genesis / Tolliver / Tyler Dayspring
Several other individuals named Genesis
Lost noses, historical and fictional
Uncanny X-Men #332
Wolverine #100-101
Uncanny X-Men Annual 1996
Zoe Culloden (The Expediter)
Ozymandias
Wolverine, golden retriever
An Elektra cameo
Wild Thing
Bishop and Shard (again)
The return of Preacher
The Hound (again)
A reunion
Deplxelation
Krakoan team niches
What heroes do

NEXT: X.S.E.

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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