Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

The Heartily Enjoyable Train Wreck of X-Men: Apocalypse

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Jay here!

Reviewing media here always feels like straddling a fence. On one hand, I’m a professional critic, and that’s a lens that never really goes away. On the other hand, when I’m writing or talking at xplainthexmen.com, I’m largely speaking as a fan, to other fans; and my considerations change accordingly. Sometimes, if I’m lucky, those perspectives line up, and everything is smooth sailing.

Other times, it’s X-Men: Apocalypse.

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As Mentioned in Episode 108 – What Price Glory

Listen to the episode here.



LINKS & FURTHER READING:

108 – What Price Glory

Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.

In which we recap nearly 200 issues in under three minutes; Madelyne Pryor is the Medea of X-Men; Mister Sinister takes the stage; Dazzler is basically an ’80s movie refugee; Scrambler may or may not be an exchange student from the Riverdale Marauders; Marc Silvestri is excellent at some things and less so at others; nothing good happens in Nebraska; Trish Tilby is the April O’Neil of X-Factor; and we swear that it was a total coincidence that this episode went up on Mother’s Day.

X-PLAINED:

  • One solution to the existential conundrum of the Carol Danvers who is also kind of part of Rogue
  • Pretty much everything that’s happened since the Dark Phoenix Saga
  • The structure of Inferno
  • Uncanny X-Men #239-241
  • X-Factor #36-37
  • The rise of the Goblin Queen
  • Several deaths in elevators
  • Mister Sinister and his amazing action-figure collection
  • The evolution of Mark Silvestri
  • Madelyne and Alex
  • A very symbolic dress
  • The Rainbow Room
  • M-Squad
  • That damn costume
  • 1989 in outfit form
  • Jay’s favorite Marauder
  • Rats-R-Us
  • Wolverine vs. a mail box
  • The X-Men, but evil
  • The secret origin of Madelyne Pryor
  • A long-anticipated reunion
  • Objects we’d demonically animate
  • Which X-Man should do your taxes

NEXT WEEK: The Passion of Madelyne Pryor


You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us onĀ iTunes, Google Play,Ā orĀ Stitcher!

JayĀ and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want toĀ help support the podcastā€“and unlock more cool stuffā€“you can do thatĀ right here!

Buy prints of this weekā€™s illustration at our shop, or contact David WynneĀ forĀ the original!

Jay & Miles Review the X-Men, Episode 83; feat. Katie Proctor

Week of May 4, 2016:

In which we change locations; Uncanny X-Men is intriguing but uneven; X-Men ’92 is chock full o’ Draculas; and Books With Pictures is your futureĀ favorite comics shop!

REVIEWED:

  • Uncanny X-Men #7 (01:48)
  • *X-Men ’92 #3 (06:52)

*Pick of the Week (10:27)

Come to Books With Pictures this Saturday for Free Comic Book Day! https://bookswithpictures.com/


JayĀ and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. TheseĀ video reviewsā€“and everything else hereā€“are made possible by the support of ourĀ Patreon subscribers. If you want toĀ help support the podcastā€“and unlock more cool stuffā€“you can do thatĀ right here!

Come join us on Imzy!

As Mentioned in Episode 107 – Fairy Tale Ending

Listen to the episode here.



LINKS AND FURTHER LISTENING:

107 – Fairy Tale Ending

Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.

 

In which everyone’s got Inferno issues; Brett Blevins makes it work; Belasco is conspicuously absent from Inferno; you should never go into Hell barefoot; the greatest X-Men stories are about loss; and Illyana Rasputin finally gets a fairy tale ending.

X-PLAINED

  • Tempus (Eva Bell)
  • Storm and Illyana: Magik #1-4 (briefly)
  • The two major Inferno plotlines
  • New Mutants #71-73
  • The best of Brett Blevins
  • The rise and fall of Magik
  • The ethics of time-travel interventions
  • A weaponized retcon
  • N’astirh Guyā„¢
  • A chair that is also a moral event horizon
  • A significant soul-armor upgrade
  • Several variations on a chapter title
  • Possessed New York
  • An overly complex conspiracy theory
  • A bittersweet reunion
  • The Kobayashi Maru scenario as applied to X-Men
  • An even more bittersweet victory (of sorts)
  • The eventual return of Magik (sort of)
  • Why it’s really irresponsible to affiliate your school with a superhero team
  • Our favorite versions of Wolfsbane’s transitional form

NEXT WEEK:

The Rise of the Goblin Queen!


You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us onĀ iTunes, Google Play,Ā orĀ Stitcher!

JayĀ and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want toĀ help support the podcastā€“and unlock more cool stuffā€“you can do thatĀ right here!

Buy prints of this weekā€™s illustration at our shop, or contact David WynneĀ forĀ the original!

Late-Night Q&A with Jay and Chris

Jay here!Ā X-Men ’92Ā co-writer and all-around radĀ dude Chris Sims was in town last week, and after a few days of weird theme parks, pizza, Powell’s, and blowing a LOT ofĀ quarters on theĀ X-Men arcade game,Ā we decided to sit down for a spur-of-the-moment late-night Q&A session, featuring fancy tea, a whooooooole lot of sunglasses, and PROBABLY not Chad Bowers hiding in nearby foliage:

Thanks to everyone who sent in questions!


JayĀ and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. TheseĀ video reviewsā€“and everything else hereā€“are made possible by the support of ourĀ Patreon subscribers. If you want toĀ help support the podcastā€“and unlock more cool stuffā€“you can do thatĀ right here!

Come join us on Imzy!

Jay & Miles Review the X-Men, Episode 82

Week of April 27, 2016:

In which it’s an All-Wolverine week, with bonus Squirrel Girl!

REVIEWED:

  • *All-New Wolverine #7 (00:25)
  • Old Man Logan #5 (05:57)

*Pick of the week (12:34)


CRITICAL UPDATE: THERE IS NOW ALSO A SONG:


JayĀ and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. TheseĀ video reviewsā€“and everything else hereā€“are made possible by the support of ourĀ Patreon subscribers. If you want toĀ help support the podcastā€“and unlock more cool stuffā€“you can do thatĀ right here!

Come join us on Imzy!

ANNOUNCING: The Noodle Incident Contest Winners!

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In Episode 104, we challenged you to submit your versions of the Noodle Incident: whatever Big, Terrible Thing Cyclops did to earn the enmity of most of the post-Secret Wars Marvel Universe.

We got aĀ lot of awesome entries, but in the end, the standouts were clear. It is therefore out great pleasure to announce the official winner of the 2016 Noodle Incident Contest:

We also decided to go ahead and expand the winners’ circle to include a runner-up, because anyĀ shaggy-dog joke that makes us laugh asĀ hard as Zachary SP’s deserves a prize of its own:


Following SECRET WARS, Cyclops ended up more-or-less where he was before, leading the outlaw X-Men. But incubating in his head was a surviving ember of the Phoenix Force from when he merged with it during the incursion from Earth-1616. As a primal force of rebirth, the power of the Phoenix didn’t stay dormant for long. When it flared back to life, it brought with it memories of Battleworld up until Cyclops’ death at the hands of Doom.Ā 

Realizing the artificial nature of this new reality, Cyclops became resentful. Someone rebuilt the entire worldĀ and didn’t bother to try and make things any better for mutants? And – even worse – they rebuilt Cyclops-the-terrorist without necessarily replicating the decisions he made that got him to that point. Someone else was responsible for him being where he was.

Cyclops being Cyclops, he could not accept this as easy absolution for his mistakes. He wouldn’t even undo those mistakes, given the opportunity. He wanted to take full responsibility for his actions. He wanted to be sure that he was in control of – if nothing else – himself. To that end, he started building a device.

The press was calling him “terrorist” and “supervillain” anyway. Why not live up to it?

Time travel wasn’t the answer. Hank tried to give Scott the kind of perspective he needed when he brought forward the original five X-Men, but, for once, Hank didn’t go far enough. Cyclops felt the need to extend his perception to all points on his personal timeline at once. If he succeeded at his goal, maybe he could make different decisions along that timeline. Maybe not. It didn’t matter. Scott had seen enough time travel to know that “going back and fixing things” never makes anything better. He just had to know that all the Cyclopses that make up the Cyclops of today were Cyclops. He had to relive all those moments, all at the same time, to be sure.

He had the means to do this at his disposal all along. After all, what he was searching for was unimpeded vision. He needed to take off the visor for the last time.

One set of scavenged Hank McCoy marginalia, one jury-rigged Cerebro, one hijacked particle accelerator, and four truckloads of ruby quartz later, the Psioptic Gene-Force Accumulator was ready. Having learned supervillainy from the best, he took the time to broadcast his manifesto to the world before he activated his machine. After finishing his speech, he took off his visor and stared down eternity.

The tidal effects of Cyclops’ amplified, contained, and compounded optic blasts registered on seismographs worldwide. No one noticed, though, because the psychic effects hit first. Cyclops’ machine didn’t only affect him; its ripples spread to everyone on Earth. In an instant, everyone’s perceptions stretchedĀ forward and backward to encompass every conscious moment of their lives. The effect of suddenly being aware of every decision one has ever made was too much to bear for the vast majority of the world’s population. The world’s population was paralyzed with existential fear and guilt. And yet, Cyclops poured more and more power into the machine.

The superheroes stopped him, of course. It turns out the superhero community has a disproportionate number of people who are accustomed to agonizing over past tragedies 24/7. Spider-Man rallied the troops. Kitty Pryde got them inside. Magneto put Cyclops down. Squirrel Girl was also there, and also she was totally fine because Squirrel Girl has no regrets.

Once the world’s perceptions de-stretched back to their usual 4-D capabilities, they associated Cyclops with the near-lethal dose of guilt they all just suffered. Everyone had unpleasant memories they’d rather have forgotten dredged up by Cyclops’s machine. Mentioning the event tended to dredge those memories back up, so no one discussed any specifics about the incident ever again.

How did Cyclops know his machine would work? There is a principle in physics where objects falling into massive gravity wells stretch out, becoming longer and thinner as they are pulled in. He simply replicated this principle with the combination ofĀ forceĀ and visionĀ inherent to his optic blastsĀ instead of mass.

This principle is calledĀ Spaghettification.


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Spaghettification.

Well done, Evan and Zachary. Please drop us a line and let us know where to send your Official Noodle Incident Medals:

noodle_incident_medals
At this point, we are pretty comfortable owning the fact that our awards aesthetic is basically “kindergarten craft hour.”

As Mentioned in Episode 106 – The X-Terminators

Listen to the podcast here.



LINKS & FURTHER LISTENING: