Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

As Mentioned in Episode 299 – Toaster Ovens of the Gods

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For full effect, there really needs to be an inset panel of Storm mugging at the reader. (What If? vol. 2 #77)
Forge is a JERK. (What If? vol. 2 #77)
What the hell kind of weird drills does this universe have? (What If? vol. 2 #77)
It’s weird that there’s a universe where both of these kids exist. (What If? vol. 2 #77)
I wonder if the Phoenix designs new costumes every time; and, if so, what its aesthetic phases have been. (What If? vol. 2 #77)
Is this page foreshadowing a Days of Future Past-style dystopia? Discuss. (What If? vol. 2 #77)
No, seriously, he JUST KEEPS SAYING IT. (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
That hair. (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
Brother Voodoo X-Plains the premise. (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
Uncalled for, Ben. (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
Damnit, Nate. (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
Just had to work it in again, huh? (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
The costume just isn’t the same without metal wings. (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
DAMNIT, NATE. (What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse)
Why does Magneto look kind of like Keanu Reeves here? (What If? vol. 2 #81)
The more I look at the art from this issue, the angrier I get about it. (What If? vol. 2 #81)
[cries in comics editor] (What If? vol. 2 #81)
Galactus is a poet, and he didn’t even know it! (He knew it.) (What If? vol. 2 #81)
Relatable sentiment. (What If? vol. 2 #81)
Hello, mid-1990s CG. You… sure do exist. (What If? vol. 2 #81)
NEXT EPISODE: The end of a world. (Also, #300? So, that’s a thing.)

LINKS & FURTHER HYPOTHETICALS

299 – Toaster Ovens of the Gods

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In which some universes are more pleasant than others; Havok is basically a Care Bear; Wolverine is a P.R. nightmare; Nate Grey tries; stealth is not among the Silver Surfer’s strengths; Night Thrasher ascends to godhood; Jay and Miles dive down the What If rabbit hole.

X-PLAINED:

  • Earth-200500 (again)
  • Earth-42409
  • What If? vol. 2 #77
  • What If? Featuring X-Men: Age of Apocalypse
  • What If? vol. 2 #81
  • Earth-77995
  • Fashion editorials
  • One of the worse versions of Forge
  • Superheroes x fashion
  • Care Bears vs. X-Men
  • The Hellfire Club of Earth-77995
  • A surprisingly normal Grey-Summers family
  • Several uses for the Phoenix Force
  • Worst-case scenarios
  • Earth-93074
  • Savage Land home ec
  • Bad choices
  • The Defenders of Earth-93074
  • How to manipulate Nate Grey
  • Narrative benefits of omnipotence
  • A time loop
  • Earth-9601
  • A meeting on the moon
  • What the Watcher watches
  • Galactus
  • The Silver Surfer
  • Grandpa Magneto
  • Some remarkable technology
  • A heavy-handed metaphor
  • Our takes on What If scenarios
  • The Corbeau-Grey scale of decision making
  • Storm’s eyes
  • Our character voices

NEXT EPISODE: X-Men Omega

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop! This June, we’ll be donating all of the profits to Trans Lifeline!

As Mentioned in Episode 298 – Unlikely Avengers

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All of our TeePublic profits this month are going to Trans Lifeline! Have you always wanted a mask that says THEY’RE NOT LASERS? Now’s your chance!

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
Seriously, can we not? (X-Universe #1)
Don’t worry; they all die in about a page and a half. (X-Universe #1)
“…ladies.” (X-Universe #1)
Blark 4 Lyfe (X-Universe #1)
See what we mean about the Darkseid thing? (X-Universe #1)
Damnit, Matt. (X-Universe #1)
These badasses! (X-Universe #1)
This should really have been the cover to #1. (X-Universe #2)
They’ve got names, and they’re not recognizable characters in a series that’s all about recognizability, so–yep, gonna die. (X-Universe #2)
DAMNIT, Matt. (X-Universe #2)
Clint Barton? James Rhodes? Lester Whatshisname? Who even knows, anymore? (X-Universe #2)
GOOD JOB, VICTOR VON DOOM. (X-Universe #2)
HE COULD STILL BE ALIVE (X-Universe #2)
That’s an awfully fancy red herring, there. (X-Universe #2)
NEXT EPISODE: What didn’t happen!

298 – Unlikely Avengers

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which the moments of X-Universe are better than the whole; the code name “Dirigible” carries some inherent risks; Tony Stark is often more interesting without Iron Man; Clint Barton is no James Rhodes; there is somehow a Matt Murdock who makes even worse choices than the one from Earth-616; nobody should ever trust Mikhail Rasputin; and the baby’s name really doesn’t matter.

X-PLAINED:

  • J. Jonah Jameson’s stance on mutants
  • A way to get cool stuff AND support Trans Lifeline
  • X-Universe #1-2
  • Gwen Stacy (Earth-295)
  • Some really obnoxious white savior tropes
  • The Marauders (Earth-295)
  • How to waste Arcade
  • Spider-nostalgia
  • Owl noises
  • Tony Stark (Earth-295)
  • Clint Barton and/or James Rhodes (Earth-295)
  • Dr. Donald Blake (Earth-616)
  • Dr. Donald Blake (Earth-295)
  • Blark
  • Mikhail Rasputin (Earth-295)
  • Ship, but not Ship
  • Ben Grimm (Earth-295)
  • Sue Storm (Earth-295)
  • Bruce Banner (Earth-295)
  • A great many overplayed references
  • Matt Murdock (Earth-295)
  • Manuel de la Rocha (Earth-295)
  • Victor Von Doom (Earth-295)
  • Marte and Rafe McGuffin
  • The Upscale Program
  • A very hazardous plan
  • The Stryfe Force
  • The dreams of Donald Blake
  • A red herring named Frankie
  • Augmented humans in a mutant-centric world
  • How Wolverine communicates with animals
  • How Professor X lost his hair

NEXT EPISODE: What-ifs and might-have-beens!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop! This June, we’ll be donating all of the profits to Trans Lifeline!

As Mentioned in Episode 297 – Blood Is Compulsory

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
We were not nearly that ripped when we were 17. Or that telekinetic, I guess. (X-Man #1)
As entertaining as it is to imagine him with Schwarzenegger’s accent, I guess Cyclops is more John Connor than he is the T-800. (X-Man #1)
What I wouldn’t give for these guys to have their own ongoing comic… (X-Man #1)
I mean, seriously! How great would it be? Half revolutionary, half thespian, all delightful! (X-Man #1)
Black Tom Cassidy’s hair went white the day he lost his shillelagh. (X-Man #1)
Characters who need their own book, figure 3. (X-Man #1)
IS YOUR NAME OMEGA BLUE, ARKADY? NO IT IS NOT! (X-Man #2)
This is the Earth-295 equivalent of playing catch. (X-Man #2)
Sunspot would be proud. (And god damn, Steve Skroce is good at drawing telekinesis.) (X-Man #2)
Come on, Forge… How could you not trust a guy with a smile that big and a forehead diamond that he assures you is merely a fashion statement? (X-Man #2)
Nightmare factory? Heavy metal album cover? Why not both? (X-Man #2)
Butter Rum of Earth-295 does not approve. (X-Man #2)
The best-dressed D&D party of the Age of Apocalypse. (X-Man #3)
Whoa, Jason – maybe dial it back a little? (X-Man #3)
Schlonk? (X-Man #3)
Steve Skroce, making psychic powers look amazing since 1993. (Anyone remember Ectokid?) (X-Man #3)
I’m so glad they get to have this before everything goes to hell. (X-Man #3)
I’m not psychically crying you’re psychically crying (X-Man #3)
Jeph Loeb gets Sinister. (X-Man #4)
Does Mister Sinister practice his smug smiles in the mirror for moments like these? I mean, obviously he does, but like, for how long? (X-Man #4)
pterodactylwithapulserifle.tumblr.com (X-Man #4)
“To die will be an awfully big adventure.” (X-Man #4)
“Their eyes locked through the hole they’d smashed through the wall, and though they’d never truly met, they knew what they were: family.” (X-Man #4)
OBSCENE MONUMENT. (X-Man #4)
Hey, it’s Nate’s early, even more Dune-like design! (X-Men Collector’s Preview #1)
NEXT TIME: Being Human.

297 – Blood Is Compulsory

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which Nate Grey is a drama kid; Forge-295 is the hero we need; Mister Sinister is a graduate of the Danielle “Moonstar” Moonstar school of secret identities; and we really, really, really wish that the theater troupe had gotten the ongoing series.

X-PLAINED:

  • Just how powerful Nate Grey is
  • X-Man’s somewhat baffling ongoing appeal
  • X-Man #1-4
  • A theater company
  • The Best Forge (Earth-295)
  • Toad (Earth-295)
  • Sauron (Earth-295)
  • Brute (Earth-295)
  • An extended Tom Stoppard allusion
  • “Essex”
  • Domino (Earth-295)
  • Theater in and as resistance
  • An ineffectual ruse
  • A lot of death
  • Caliban (Earth-295)
  • A family reunion
  • The story we really wanted out of this series
  • The X-Man ongoing series
  • Chronically missing New Mutants
  • X-arcs we’d like to see animated

NEXT EPISODE: X-Universe!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop! This June, we’ll be donating all of the profits to Trans Lifeline!

As Mentioned in Episode 296 – Hard Choices

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
“Are you coming too, mysterious hooded stranger? My sister, Carmen Sandiego, would love to have you along!” (Amazing X-Men #1)
Danger Room cold open, Earth-295-style! (Amazing X-Men #1)
“Just a few more hours and a few dozen more cigarettes until Tom Waits karaoke night!” (Amazing X-Men #1)
“For further details, my X-Men, you must buy every other X-comic on the stands. Excelsior!” (Amazing X-Men #1)
As the famous thinker Parappa the Rapper once so wisely said: you gotta believe. (Amazing X-Men #1)
Earth-295 Sentinels may be lacking in toboggan hats and robot one-piece swimsuits, but they’re still pretty impressive. (Amazing X-Men #1)
Half unspooled VHS tape, half Slinky, all nuisance. (Amazing X-Men #2)
“Go easy on ’em, X-Men – they remembered to use our logo font, and that was very considerate of them.” (Amazing X-Men #2)
Banshee’s facial expression speaks for us all. (Amazing X-Men #2)
Okay, that’s legit terrifying. (Amazing X-Men #2)
Quicksilver? More like FRIPsilver! (Amazing X-Men #2)
If the title wasn’t already taken, Magneto’s autobiography would be called The Brood Saga. (Amazing X-Men #3)
It takes a true villain to make “being stretchy” an intimidating superpower. (Amazing X-Men #3)
Mary Poppins: The Snyder Cut. (Amazing X-Men #3)
Shaking Angel down for information is an X-Men rite of passage. (Amazing X-Men #3)
Open wide and say “flashback”! (Amazing X-Men #3)
you guys I think I’m in the wrong church (Amazing X-Men #4)
This may be bad, but at least he doesn’t have to die of a mutant-targeting virus twice in the Age of Apocalypse the way he does in Earth-616… (Amazing X-Men #4)
Generation Next – ripping our hearts out even when it’s someone else’s comic! (Amazing X-Men #4)
I know you’re mad at Gambit, Rogue, but did you really have to punch his legs off? (Amazing X-Men #4)
Aww, damn – he was just one week away from retirement! (Amazing X-Men #4)
*raises lighter* (Amazing X-Men #4)
NEXT EPISODE: This guy.

296 – Hard Choices

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which Magneto doesn’t really do work/live divide; Amazing X-Men is a bit of a misnomer; Exodus is the lawful evil to Fabian Cortez’s chaotic evil; smoking is bad for you; moisture molecular inversion is fairly definitely not a real thing; Earth-295 Quicksilver and Earth-616 Cyclops would probably get along; OSHA would probably like a word with the Madrii; Gambit had ONE JOB; and there are no superheroes in the Age of Apocalypse.

X-PLAINED:

  • An unlikely team-up
  • Relative amazingness
  • Amazing X-Men #1-5
  • Color separations
  • Comics credits
  • The Brotherhood of Mutants and/or Chaos
  • The Great Human Airlift
  • Exodus (more) (again)
  • Best Quicksilver (Earth-295)
  • Abyss
  • A dubiously aerodynamic cape
  • One last job
  • Several points of semantic distinction
  • Lone Nanny & Cub
  • The most punchable man on Earth-295
  • A difficult choice
  • What it means to be X-Men
  • Dick Valentine
  • Jamie Madrox (Earth-295)
  • A world without superheroes
  • Universe numbering

NEXT EPISODE: X-Man!

CORRECTION: The line about fence-straddling that Jay attributed to Wonder Woman was in fact spoken by Hawkgirl.

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop! This June, we’ll be donating all of the profits to Trans Lifeline!

HAWK TALK – Florida Mans

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This would usually be a skip week, but the world is still being a jerk, so we made you a bonus, entirely unedited, and almost entirely off-topic episode. This time, we talked about a whole bunch of random topics suggested by you!

Topics, sorta:

  • Good birds
  • Dinosaurs
  • Florida
  • Nostalgic video games
  • Booze
  • Avatar: The Last Airbender
  • Probably some other stuff I’m forgetting

As Mentioned in Episode 295 – The Nuclear Naked

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Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
Hey, ‘dere. (Gambit and the X-Ternals #1)
This, but with a hawk. (Gambit and the X-Ternals #1)
Seriously, why the visor? (Gambit and the X-Ternals #1)
He pulls this look off alarmingly well. (Gambit and the X-Ternals #1)
SUPER DOCTOR ASTRONAUT PETER CORBEAU IS HERE TO SAVE THE UNIVERSE (Gambit and the X-Ternals #1)
“Just a sec, I gotta go find the Power Glove.” (Gambit and the X-Ternals #1)
This torso is unacceptable. (Gambit and the X-Ternals #1)
In an homage, obviously. Dang, Jubes. (Gambit and the X-Ternals #2)
BUT, WAIT! THERE’S MORE! (Gambit and the X-Ternals #2)
“Just us, and a bunch of chickens. It got weird fast.” (Gambit and the X-Ternals #2)
Y E S (Gambit and the X-Ternals #2)
I maintain that everything is better if his name is pronounced “Jeff.” (Gambit and the X-Ternals #3)
AND THAT’S WHY YOU ALWAYS LEAVE A NOTE (Gambit and the X-Ternals #3)
Jeff has no patience for events. (Gambit and the X-Ternals #3)
Oh, c’mon. I bet he’s got a ton of cool stolen stuff, too. (Gambit and the X-Ternals #3)
Welcome to the Hall of Tautology. (Gambit and the X-Ternals #4)
It’s okay, but it’s no X-Men #41… (Gambit and the X-Ternals #4)
Well, fuck. (Gambit and the X-Ternals #4)
The Nuclear Naked (reconstruction).
NEXT EPISODE: “Amazing” may be a bit of a stretch.

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