Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

350 – The Xavier Protocols

October 24, 2021 Jay 36 comments

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Variant cover by Dylan Meconis!

And a real, live, downloadable sketch variant!

In which we celebrate a milestone with a special collectible episode; there may already be a Charles Xavier in your basement; Onslaught lacks subtlety; Bill Watterson may or may not have changed his licensing policy on Earth-616; guns should not have hair; and Jay once again exercises his questionable lyrical skills.

X-PLAINED:

Excalibur #100
Fantastic Four #415
X-Factor #125
X-Men #55
Onslaught (more) (again)
The Xavier Protocols
The many secret subbasements of Charles Francis Xavier
The Xavier Protocols
An extremely poor file-retrieval system
Onslaught vs. the Fantastic Four
Li’l Charlie
A circus, kind of
Lang disambiguation
Onslaught’s new look
Onslaught vs. several Avengers
An unlicensed rug
The only thing Bill Watterson loves
Metaphorical Turkish delight
The Brand Corporation (more) (again)
Dark Descendents
Hairy guns
Caps for Sale
A really big fight
A very dramatic EMP
Why Onslaught looks like that

NEXT EPISODE: Yep, more Onslaught!

“Magneto’s Cape” lyrics by Jay Edidin, with apologies to Marsha Norman. Performed by Steve Pence and Adam Faruqi and produced by Adam Faruqi.

CORRECTION: There are only three variant covers to this episode, not four; Jen Vaughn had to bow out due to other commitments.

Check out the visual companion to this post on our blog.

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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HAWK TALK – Sitcoms

October 17, 2021 Jay 11 comments

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This would usually be a skip week, but the world is still being a jerk, so we made you a bonus, entirely unedited, and almost entirely off-topic episode. This time, Jay and Tina Carleton of Welcome to Television talked about sitcoms!

As Mentioned in Episode 349 – Onslaught Secret Weapon Force Power Slammers

October 17, 2021 Jay 2 comments

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

Ahh, it’ll be fine. (Cable #34)

Sure, why not? (Cable #34)

I kind of wish he’d gotten to keep his massive fucked up arm. (Cable #34)

Start your red-string maps here. (Incredible Hulk #444)

GIANT SCREAMING ROCK! (Incredible Hulk #444)

SURE, WHY NOT? (Incredible Hulk #444)

Hulk just want to be left alone. (Incredible Hulk #444)

Sinister certainly knows how to make an entrance. (X-Man #18)

Aw, Caliban. (X-Force #57)

And there goes another Xavier school! (X-Force #57)

It’s no Bogdanove, but it’ll do. (X-Force #57)

I love that Onslaught’s happening and Sinister is just playing out this whole entire other story. (X-Force #57)

NEXT EPISODE: Hawk talk! NEXT EPISODE: Onslaught continues to continue.

LINKS & FURTHER COMPLICATIONS

On Coming Out, Queer Identity, and Continuity in All-New X-Men #40

349 – Onslaught Secret Weapon Force Power Slammers

October 10, 2021 Jay 25 comments

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In which Onslaught nomenclature has some consistency issues; electricity is the new magnetism; Nate Grey mopes; Sinister doesn’t care about your guns; the Xavier mansion blows up (again); and we track down an elusive Sentinel.

X-PLAINED

Doctor Doom’s absolutely irrelevant Onslaught encounter
Cable #34
Incredible Hulk #444
X-Man #18
X-Force #57
Onslaught Phases vs. Impacts
Ozymandias (more) (again)
Post (more) (again)
Cable’s ridiculous motorcycle
Several Hulks
Behemoth
Cable/Storm
The Betty Conspiracy
Rocks that yell
Alpacalypse
Multiversal disambiguation
Some unlikely sound effects
An anti-Sinister failsafe
A self-destruct system
Warpath and Risque
A hug
A very specific Sentinel
Coming out in adulthood

NEXT WEEK: Hawk Talk

NEXT EPISODE: Somehow We Have Made 350 of These (and also more Onslaught)

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Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

As Mentioned in Episode 348 – Onslaught Continues

October 3, 2021 Jay Leave a comment

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In Apocalypse’s defense, this is also roughly what I wear to sleep. (Uncanny X-Men #335)

“Quick! Let’s fight for no reason!” (Uncanny X-Men #335)

“Next, we’re gonna shut down Blue Man Group.” (X-Men Unlimited #11)

This is what every bar is like, right? (X-Men Unlimited #11)

Rogue has no time for your nonsense. (X-Men Unlimited #11)

Damn, Bastion. Cold. (X-Men Unlimited #11)

“Do you like… magnets?” (X-Men Unlimited #11)

SEE? GUN ARM! (X-Men Unlimited #11)

Did Thor ever actually wear that outfit in a comic book? (Avengers #401)

Vision is RIGHT THERE, man. (Avengers #401)

Including this panel entirely for Gratuitously Topless Thor. (Avengers #401)

Uncalled for, Silver-Age callback. (Avengers #401)

That is not the face of a man who has driven around in a magnet-shaped car. (Avengers #401)

NEXT EPISODE: More Onslaught (but also Sinister)!

348 – Onslaught Continues

October 3, 2021 Jay 8 comments

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In which all the heroes fight each other, a lot.

X-PLAINED:

Teenage Iron Man
Onslaught thus far
What Onslaught wants
Uncanny X-Men #335
X-Men Unlimited #11
Avengers #401
The rebirth of Apocalypse
The Apocalocophagous
The Age of Wonders
X-Man vs. Professor X
Nate Grey-sitting
Humanity’s Last Stand
Simon Trask
Bastion
Rogue and Joseph
Avengers fashion
Assumptions
Other characters who could merge Onslaught-style
Origins of the Angry Claremontean Narrator

NEXT EPISODE: Yes, still Onslaught.

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

As Mentioned in Episode 347 – Onslaught Begins

September 26, 2021 Jay Leave a comment

Listen to the episode here.

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

What, indeed? (Uncanny X-Men #334)

He’s a man of simple pleasures. (Uncanny X-Men #334)

We ship it. (Uncanny X-Men #334)

What the HELL, Professor X? (Uncanny X-Men #334)

Again: THE HELL?! (Uncanny X-Men #334)

It sucks to be Dark Beast, as it should. (X-Men #54)

The wreck of Professor Xavier’s office… (X-Men #54)

…and the wreck of Professor Xavier. (X-Men #54)

Before there was SIXIS, there was OVALZNO. (Onslaught: X-Men #1)

Shielded thoughts get red borders. (Onslaught: X-Men #1)

HE’S SO DRAMATIC (Onslaught: X-Men #1)

I know he’s evil right now, but I bet Xavier was also just a super creepy kid. (Onslaught: X-Men #1)

NEXT EPISODE: More Onslaught.

LINKS & FURTHER ALLUSIONS

Muscle March sure is a real video game that actually exists.

347 – Onslaught Begins

September 26, 2021 Jay 14 comments

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In which we stop procrastinating and dive headfirst into Onslaught; Professor Xavier is a jerk; Dark Beast wasn’t even supposed to be here today; Onslaught declaims like it’s the Silver Age; Bishop gets some long-awaited closure; and we pitch alternate candidates for the X-traitor.

X-PLAINED:

Hyperstorm
Onslaught (entity)
Onslaught (event)
Uncanny X-Men #334
X-Men #54
Onslaught: X-Men #1
How to pronounce “Buccellato”
The opposite of a pep talk
Nate Grey vs. Professor X
The Z’noxx (again)
One of several times Charles Xavier has faked his own death
Muscle March
Franklin Richards
The Gem of Cyttorak
A villain speech
That one recording Bishop found in the future
The X-traitor
Li’l Charlie
Magneto’s hood ornament
Alternate takes on the X-traitor

NEXT EPISODE: Onslaught continues.

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

HAWK TALK – School

September 19, 2021 Miles 19 comments

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This would usually be a skip week, but the world is still being a jerk, so we made you a bonus, entirely unedited, and almost entirely off-topic episode. This time, we talked about school.