Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

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As Mentioned in Episode 88 – …Just Before Dawn

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Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
You never forget your first ship. (X-Factor #24)
“I mean, if those ridiculous spring arms aren’t evil, I don’t know what is.” (X-Factor #24)
Vannapocalypse White. (X-Factor #24)
This and the following seven panels are the bottoms of eight pages of X-Factor #24, running parallel to the bulk of the action taking place above.
(X-Factor #24)
(X-Factor #24)
(X-Factor #24)
(X-Factor #24)
(X-Factor #24)
(X-Factor #24)
(X-Factor #24)
And then, Caliban joins the rest of the cast. (X-Factor #24)
Okay, this looks bad. (X-Factor #24)
Recognizable presidents are few and far between in comics. (X-Factor #25)
Remember that time Power Pack straight-up killed an old lady? Because that DEFINITELY HAPPENS in this issue. (X-Factor #25)
As a former student of Charles Xavier, Iceman knows that the most expedient solution to any crisis is to fake his own death. (X-Factor #25)
Well, that was cathartic. (X-Factor #25)
Look at those sharp new costumes! (X-Factor #26)
Aw, Hank. (X-Factor #26)
ABOUT DAMN TIME. (X-Factor #26)
AND THEN! (X-Factor #26)
NEXT WEEK: Giant-Size Winter Special #2!

LINKS & FURTHER LISTENING:

As Mentioned in Episode 87 – It’s Always Darkest…

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Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
Don’t get too attached to these guys. (New Mutants #59)
Roll for initiative! (New Mutants #59)
Lookit this E.C. lookin’ jerk! (New Mutants #59)
Truth. (New Mutants #59)
Seriously, the Ani-mator is so creepy. (New Mutants #60)
Or you could just–you know what? Never mind. Forget it. Freakin’ teenagers. (New Mutants #60)
And that’s why you always leave a note. (New Mutants #60)
Oh, THAT guy. (New Mutants #60)
How many times has he done this so far? Two? Three? (New Mutants #60)
Well, fuck. (New Mutants #60)
Well, fuck. (New Mutants #60)
Later, she justifies this by saying that it’s what Doug would have wanted, which seems questionable. (New Mutants #60)
Meanwhile, in the other 2/3 of the event… (New Mutants #61)
Even horses, Warlock. (New Mutants #61)
Aw, man. These kids. (New Mutants #61)
Aw, man. These kids. (New Mutants #61)
It really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really sucks to be New Mutants-era Magneto. (New Mutants #61)
And to add insult to injury, somehow the graduation costumes got even worse. (New Mutants #61)
NEXT WEEK: The Fall of the Mutants concludes with X-Factor!

91 – The Saddest Story Ever Told

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Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.

 

In which New Mutants #64 is the saddest single issue of any X-book ever; the New Mutants have to grow up fast; Warlock comes to terms with mortality; The Last of Us is harder to play the second time; Tattoo Tales: X-Men: Masquerade is delightfully unhinged; animated Cyclops is totally the worst; Beast probably has a terrible garage band; Jean starts a kitchen fire; and Wolverine saves Jubilee’s birthday.

 

X-PLAINED:

  • The saddest issue ever
  • New Mutants #64
  • The only okay way to watch Grave of the Fireflies
  • The aftermath of Doug Ramsey’s death
  • Several unhealthy coping mechanisms
  • The Last of Us
  • Tattoo Tales: X-Men: Masquerade
  • Some varyingly impressive costumes
  • General irresponsibility
  • Why Wolverine is wearing a clown suit
  • Douglock
  • The New Mutants’ D&D alignments

NEXT WEEK: You never forget your first Ship.

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Rachel and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy prints of this week’s illustration at our shop, or contact David Wynne for the original!

As Mentioned in Episode 91 – The Saddest Story Ever Told

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Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
The vaguely slapstick motifs in this story somehow make it even sadder. (New Mutants #64)
And it really only gets more depressing from here. (New Mutants #64)
No, seriously. (New Mutants #64)
Everything is terrible forever. (New Mutants #64)
=( (New Mutants #64)
Yeah, we do not have a sassy caption for this. Sorry. (New Mutants #64)
Aw, man. These kids. (New Mutants #64)
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! (Tattoo Tales: X-Men: Masquerade)
Harder than fighting Sentinels, apparently. (Tattoo Tales: X-Men: Masquerade)
“It’s four hours of me, a vacuum cleaner, and a theremin.” (Tattoo Tales: X-Men: Masquerade)
The X-Men take costume parties REALLY DAMN SERIOUSLY. (Tattoo Tales: X-Men: Masquerade)
“Also, that is literally one of the only two non-uniform outfits you own.” (Tattoo Tales: X-Men: Masquerade)
How not to lay out a page for coherent reading order. (Tattoo Tales: X-Men: Masquerade)
SO THEN THAT HAPPENED. (Tattoo Tales: X-Men: Masquerade)
And they all lived happily ever after. THE END! (But Doug Ramsey was still dead.) (Tattoo Tales: X-Men: Masquerade)

As Mentioned in Episode 86 – Legends

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Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
Fall of the Mutants promotional ad.
Piotr Rasputin’s run as penciller on Uncanny X-Men was brief but critically lauded. (Uncanny X-Men #225)
Featuring what we assume to be the disgruntled letterhacks of 1987. (Uncanny X-Men #225)
If I had a dollar for every time a stranger had given me an uncannily precise palm reading and then a tiny chess piece of myself… (Uncanny X-Men #225)
The players and the board. (Uncanny X-Men #225)
SFX as panel borders? Yes, please. (Uncanny X-Men #225)
It’s worth noting that at this point, the Spiral / Ricochet Rita retcon had yet to be conceived. (Uncanny X-Men #225)
Destiny wrestles with the awareness that she’s trapped in a crossover event. (Uncanny X-Men #225)
A moment of slapstick in the midst of the high-stakes drama. (Uncanny X-Men #225)
Repping the fourth estate, Neal Conan and Manoli Wetherell. (Uncanny X-Men #226)
It’s cool. It’s not a real knife. (Uncanny X-Men #226)
You’re a good dude, Colossus. (Uncanny X-Men #226)
She comes back a year later, and Forge has cannibalized his bionic parts to make a sweet Freddie Mercury costume. (Uncanny X-Men #226)
Those halcyon days when Havok’s impromptu diatribes didn’t suck. (Uncanny X-Men #226)
That’s one hell of a kiss. (Uncanny X-Men #226)
That cover. (Uncanny X-Men #227)
What. (Uncanny X-Men #227)
Well, that was unexpectedly graphic. (Uncanny X-Men #227)
“I mean, c’mon, dude. We’re in a superhero comic. You really think this is gonna last?” (Uncanny X-Men #227)
Somewhere in the multiverse, the X-Men were like, “Fuck it. Let’s just go to Disneyland.” (Uncanny X-Men #227)
Say what you will about Claremont, but he is damn good at epic ending beats. (Uncanny X-Men #227)
NEXT WEEK: It’s always darkest…

78 – The Eye Killers and Other Cautionary Tales

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Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 10/18/2015 at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 10/18/2015 at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.

 

In which we persevere in the face of adversity; Storm goes on a quest; Mr. Sinister makes his first appearance; Dazzler learns about teamwork (again); it still sucks to be Havok (but not as much as it sucks to be Madelyne Pryor); you should probably put down that cactus; the Murder Grampas join Freedom Force; Storm’s life is a metal-album cover; and the X-Men are doomed as hell.

 

X-Plained:

  • The Mr. Sinister / Summers family time loop
  • Uncanny X-Men #220-224
  • Actual and potential origins of Mr. Sinister’s name
  • How Longshot’s powers work in combat
  • Teamwork (again)
  • Representing sound and silence in a visual medium
  • A protracted fight
  • Forge (again)
  • Naze (kind of)
  • The Adversary
  • Eye Killers
  • One of many reasons not to masturbate with a cactus
  • The X-Men in San Francisco
  • Madelyne Pryor vs. fate
  • Storm vs. Forge
  • Character names vs. code names
  • X-Makeovers

NEXT WEEK: X-Men vs. Avengers

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes or Stitcher!

Rachel and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy prints of this week’s illustration at our shop, or contact David Wynne for the original!

As Mentioned in Episode 78 – The Eye Killers and Other Cautionary Tales

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Listen to the episode here!

Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available until 10/18/2015 at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
We missed you, hawk ‘hawk! (Uncanny X-Men #220)
Well, THAT can’t be good. (Uncanny X-Men #220)
It’s somehow creepier that he turns out to be a hologram. (Uncanny X-Men #220)
Mugging at the camera and grinning evilly is a big Naze thing. (Uncanny X-Men #220)
Mister Sinister’s full-page debut! (Uncanny X-Men #221)
Look at this glorious sonofabitch. (Uncanny X-Men #221)
“Spirit and soul” still counts. Take a drink. (Uncanny X-Men #221)
Madelyne Pryor is no one’s damsel in distress. (Uncanny X-Men #221)
Depictions of sound in visual media are really fascinating. This is one of the cooler effects! (Uncanny X-Men #222)
More sound and speech balloons. (Uncanny X-Men #222)
In case you need an additional reason not to masturbate with a cactus: apparently that’s how you get eye-killers. (Uncanny X-Men #222)
“Also, you’re lousy in bed and you’re never going to finish your dissertation.” (Uncanny X-Men #222)
Things more metal than this cover: NONE OF THEM. (Uncanny X-Men #223)
HI, MURDER GRAMPAS! We missed you! (Uncanny X-Men #223)
Well, shit. (Uncanny X-Men #223)
That time Storm caught a fish like a bear. (Uncanny X-Men #223)
One of my favorite weird details of this era is Wolverine wearing that cowboy hat all the damn time, and no one ever commenting on it. (Uncanny X-Men #223)
I’m gonna go ahead and say that Madelyne Pryor gets the rawest deal in X-Men, and this is only the first act. (Uncanny X-Men #223)
Oh, dear. (Uncanny X-Men #223)
SPOILER: This will not end well. (Uncanny X-Men #223)
Instead of a clever caption, I’m just gonna drop this link to Native Appropriations. (Uncanny X-Men #224)
The staging here is spectacularly classic-romance-comic. (Uncanny X-Men #224)
Even the happy moments in this arc are really damn depressing. (Uncanny X-Men #224)
Well, fuck. (Uncanny X-Men #224)
NEXT WEEK: X-Men vs. Avengers!

Links & Further Reading:

 

106 – The X-Terminators

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Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.

In which Nextwave is both canon and not-canon; Inferno officially begins; X-Terminators is basically a cartoon; Bill Gaines cannot catch a break; Artie and Leach are superbabies; Takeshi Matsuya is fantastic; you should probably never take our advice about anything; Boom Boom is pretty good at superhero costume design; Walter Peck was right; Miles still won’t stop saying that one line about stealing a baby; N’astirh is no pigeon; and “No Mutant Is an Island” is a patently inaccurate statement.

X-PLAINED:

  • The Beyond Corporation
  • The Defilers
  • X-Terminators #1-4
  • The first 35 issues of X-Factor, briefly
  • Two teams with the same name
  • Fredric Wertham
  • Bill Gaines
  • Crotus
  • Babies
  • A boarding school that may or may not be Phillips Exeter Academy
  • Muffy
  • Saint Simon’s Academy
  • Wiz Kid (Takeshi Matsuya)
  • Nuprin
  • Medical advice from goblins
  • The Goblin Buster
  • Metareferential snack food
  • RadSport Sport Fashion Outfitters
  • An exceptionally specific Ghostbusters reference
  • Helen and Tim
  • Dubious spell semantics
  • How not to incorporate a crossover into a miniseries, and vice versa
  • “No Mutant Is an Island”
  • A brief history of Magneto’s helmet
  • Definitive Magnetos

NEXT WEEK: The fall of Magik.

Special thanks to multiversal metacontinuity wizard Al Ewing for the last-minute assist on the cold open!

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes, Google Play, or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy prints of this week’s illustration at our shop, or contact David Wynne for the original!

107 – Fairy Tale Ending

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Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.
Art by David Wynne. Prints and cards available at the shop, or contact David to purchase the original.

 

In which everyone’s got Inferno issues; Brett Blevins makes it work; Belasco is conspicuously absent from Inferno; you should never go into Hell barefoot; the greatest X-Men stories are about loss; and Illyana Rasputin finally gets a fairy tale ending.

X-PLAINED

  • Tempus (Eva Bell)
  • Storm and Illyana: Magik #1-4 (briefly)
  • The two major Inferno plotlines
  • New Mutants #71-73
  • The best of Brett Blevins
  • The rise and fall of Magik
  • The ethics of time-travel interventions
  • A weaponized retcon
  • N’astirh Guy™
  • A chair that is also a moral event horizon
  • A significant soul-armor upgrade
  • Several variations on a chapter title
  • Possessed New York
  • An overly complex conspiracy theory
  • A bittersweet reunion
  • The Kobayashi Maru scenario as applied to X-Men
  • An even more bittersweet victory (of sorts)
  • The eventual return of Magik (sort of)
  • Why it’s really irresponsible to affiliate your school with a superhero team
  • Our favorite versions of Wolfsbane’s transitional form

NEXT WEEK:

The Rise of the Goblin Queen!

You can find a visual companion to this episode on our blog!

Find us on iTunes, Google Play, or Stitcher!

Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy prints of this week’s illustration at our shop, or contact David Wynne for the original!

Jay Recaps X-Men: Evolution
S1E10: Shadowed Past

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Ever heard of something called “The Draco”?

No, not the blonde guy from Harry Potter. The “Draco” I’m talking about is an Uncanny X-Men arc where Chuck Austen retconned Nightcrawler’s origin story to involve a father from an ancient race of demon-looking mutants long exiled to a hell dimension by a bunch of quasi-angelic counterparts.1

The Draco is one of the worst arcs of Austen’s already fairly shaky 2 run; and generally considered to be one of the worst X-Men stories ever. It’s the continuity equivalent of awkward makeouts at your company Christmas party: everyone does their best to politely pretend that it never happened, and if anyone brings it up, everyone familiar with the story gets acutely embarrassed by proxy.

I am telling you about The Draco not because it has any relevance whatsoever to X-Men: Evolution–it doesn’t–but so that you will understand where the bar sits when I tell you that “Shadowed Past” is my least favorite take on Nightcrawler’s origin story.

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