Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

Author: Jay

295 – The Nuclear Naked

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which this episode may or may not be a temporal aberration; Gambit is bad at marketing; Jubilee’s sixth birthday was probably worse than yours; Earth-295’s chronology doesn’t make that much more sense than 616’s; Super Doctor Astronaut Peter Corbeau wears this timeline well; Rictor makes a terrible Javert; Jubilee has no time for your makeouts; superheroes are basically preschoolers; there is only one Jahf; babies are bad at stealing; and Apocalypse is not a tactician.

X-PLAINED:

  • How Magneto got his own country
  • A numerical convergence
  • Earth-295
  • Gambit and the X-Ternals #1-4
  • X-Ternals
  • The human resistance
  • The Temple of Human Redress
  • A terrible way to celebrate your birthday
  • Lila Cheney of Earth-295
  • The Nuclear Naked
  • Super Doctor Astronaut (mermaid) Peter Corbeau of Earth-295
  • Julio Richter (Earth-295)
  • Mudir
  • Homage
  • Cross-timeline vocabulary
  • Cosmic peril
  • The state of the Shi’ar Empire in Earth-295
  • The Starjammers of Earth-295
  • Varyingly versatile energy absorption
  • Jahf
  • An exchange
  • Some fancy sewers
  • Guido Carosella’s devil’s bargains
  • Earth-295… IN SPACE
  • The nominal justification for Apocalypse’s society
  • Which Apocalypse is currently running around Earth-616

NEXT WEEK: Hawk Talk!

NEXT EPISODE: “Amazing” might be pushing it.

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As Mentioned in Episode 294 – The Infernal Gallop

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
Man, I love this cover. (X-Calibre #1)
Cain Marko, man of peace. (X-Calibre #1)
Welcome to Avalon. (X-Calibre #1)
That is an EXCELLENT point. (X-Calibre #1)
I don’t remember Thunderbird having that many muscles or, y’know, being white. (X-Calibre #1)
“Sure thing! That’s BLAMM with two Ms?” (X-Calibre #2)
Aw, buddy. (X-Calibre #2)
But shouldn’t that be Rusty Collins’s icon? (X-Calibre #2)
…well, shit. (X-Calibre #2)
Almost our Kurt, and very much not our Kurt. (X-Calibre #2)
OH HELL YEAH (X-Calibre #3)
TFW Magneto forces you to visit your One Big Ex’s intentional community. (X-Calibre #3)
They have fun. (That is a lie. They do not have fun.) (X-Calibre #3)
Oh, come on. (X-Calibre #3)
AND THAT’S WHY YOU ALWAYS LEAVE A NOTE (X-Calibre #4)
Not AGAIN. (X-Calibre #4)
Welcome to the Age of Apocalypse!
NEXT EPISODE: these goofs, in space

LINKS & FURTHER ALLUSIONS

294 – The Infernal Gallop

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which a whole lot of things burn; Nightcrawler gets gritty; it’s hard to be Dead Man Wade; Apocalypse’s IT department has some explaining to do; Mystique is the most mom of all moms; Doug Ramsey dies (again); and Jay will fight anyone who says comics can’t be “real” literature.

X-PLAINED:

  • Damask
  • X-Calibre #1-4
  • Switchback
  • Cain Marko of Earth-295
  • Avalon
  • Destiny of Earth-295
  • Nightcrawler of Earth-295
  • Ghost Dance (actual)
  • Ghost Dance (fictional)
  • John Proudstar of Earth-295
  • The Infernal Gallop vs. the Infernal Galop
  • Moonstar of Earth-295
  • Dead Man Wade
  • The Pale Riders
  • Videoconferencing software of Earth-295
  • The Excalibur
  • Walter Newell
  • Callisto of Earth-295
  • A lot of murders
  • A really dark historical precedent
  • Parenthood
  • Death by existential crisis
  • The worst plan
  • Variations on the death of Doug Ramsey
  • Geography of the Age of Apocalypse
  • The rest of the Marvel books during the Age of Apocalypse
  • Jay vs. Western canon

NEXT EPISODE: Gambit and the X-Ternals

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293 – The Monster Under the World

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which not all Mondos are created equal; the kids are only rarely all right; the Age of Apocalypse is not Magneto’s fault; Sugar Man is the stuff of universal nightmares; “cartoonish” is not necessarily a plus; and the Age of Apocalypse is not particularly sustainable.

X-PLAINED:

  • Generation Next #1-4
  • The tradition of YA horror in X-books
  • Bachalo unchained
  • Whose fault the Age of Apocalypse is
  • Adaptive technology vs. Apocalypse
  • Chamber of Earth-295
  • Husk of Earth-295
  • Skin of Earth-295
  • Mondo of Earth-295
  • Vincente Cimetta
  • Know-It-All (Claudia)
  • An abysmal training exercise
  • Colossus of Earth-295
  • Shadowcat of Earth-295
  • Gardner Monroe (Flashback)
  • Quietus
  • Sugar Man
  • The Portland and/or Seattle Core
  • Illyana Rasputin
  • Ace
  • Human collaborators
  • A gratuitous Monty Python reference
  • The difference between mass and volume
  • Number Six
  • The fall of Generation Next
  • Growing up in the Age of Apocalypse
  • Illyana 2.0
  • Subtext vs. queerbaiting

NEXT EPISODE: X-Calibre!

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 292 – Weekend at Sinister’s

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
It still really, really looks like the cover of a Star Trek novel to me. (Factor X #1)
Wow, Alex, you’re the worst. Second-worst, after Gabriel, but he doesn’t exist in this universe; so, yeah, you’re the worst. (Factor X #1)
Meanwhile, in Sinister’s secret hideout IN THE HEAD OF THE BIG APOCALYPSE STATUE… (Factor X #1)
Damnit, Sam! You’re better than this! (Factor X #1)
The Bedlam Brothers are way too wholesome to be working for Apocalypse. (Factor X #1)
HOLY SHIT SOMEONE REMEMBERS MELTDOWN (Factor X #1)
That costume. =( (Factor X #2)
See, this is why you’re never going to be Sinister’s favorite. This, and your DNA. (Factor X #2)
Every time, Alex. Every time. (Factor X #2)
If only he hadn’t learned dramatic reveals so well from Sinister, he might never have been found out. (Factor X #2)
It’s like the Silver Age, but different. (Factor X #3)
Ew, but also kind of cool. (Factor X #3)
Aw, Rahne. (Factor X #3)
‘Kay. (Factor X #3)
In Scott’s dubious defense, that’s also just a really poorly thought-out test. (Factor X #3)
Damnit, why’d you have to go and pull on my X-Men #137 heartstrings? (Factor X #3)
This will definitely end well. (Factor X #4)
In case you were wondering whether Alex is still horrible this issue: yes. (Factor X #4)
I KNEW IT! I KNEW THEY WERE TOO GOOD FOR THIS LIFE! (Factor X #4)
DON’T TALK TO ME OR MY BAR EVER AGAIN (Factor X #4)
If only they’d gotten to eat him. (Factor X #4)
NEXT EPISODE: Children are our future!

LINKS & FURTHER VIRTUES

 

292 – Weekend at Sinister’s

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which it is probably not actually possible to be too nasty for Earth-295; Sinister is on nobody’s side but his own; Vulcan is still the worst Summers in the multiverse; the Bedlam Brothers are too delightful for the EMF; Heaven is just straight-up Rick’s Bar now; Polaris of Earth-295 is the saddest Polaris; Scott Summers and Jean Grey make a good team in most universes; and the metaphors of 1995 read very differently in 2020.

X-PLAINED:

  • Nathaniel Essex of Earth-1610
  • A regrettable tattoo
  • #Creators4Comics
  • Scott Summers (Cyclops) of Earth-295
  • Alex Summers (Havok) of Earth-295
  • Factor X #1-4
  • Working for the Man
  • Costume design as narrative
  • The EMF (Elite Mutant Force)
  • Northstar and Aurora of Earth-295
  • Sam and Elizabeth Guthrie (Cannonball and Amazon) of Earth-295
  • Jesse and Terrence Aaronson (Bedlam Brothers) of Earth-295
  • Heaven (the bar)
  • Scarlett McKenzie of Earth-295
  • Someone who is not Magneto
  • The Brain Trust
  • Lorna Dane (Polaris) of Earth-295
  • An obscene monument
  • Innuendo of several sorts
  • That time Jean Grey got captured
  • Resistance of various sorts
  • Poetic almost-kinda justice
  • One more fallen angel
  • Villains of the Age of Apocalypse

NEXT EPISODE: Generation Next!

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 291 – Eat Malarkey and Die

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
Logan just straight-up has a mane in this timeline. (Weapon X #1)
Seriously, this has to be the worst mode of transportation. (Weapon X #1)
“I’ll finish you, just like I finished my disserta– ohhhh, shit.” (Weapon X #1)
NEVER NOT FUNNY. (Weapon X #1)
Is… is Logan saying that he hopes Havok gets teleported into somebody’s butt? (Weapon X #1)
Snnnnrk. (Weapon X #1)
He spends hours thinking ’em up. (Weapon X #1)
Seriously, if it weren’t for that damn pose, this page would be SO cool. (Weapon X #1)
Logan subscribes to the Dan McNinja school of tactics. (Weapon X #2)
To his credit, I’d be pretty nonplussed if this fell through my ceiling. (Weapon X #2)
The setup… (Weapon X #2)
…and the punchline. (Weapon X #2)
I see what you did, there. (Weapon X #3)
She doesn’t seem to have a sash, so I’m just going to go ahead and assume that Carol-295 just carries rhythmic gymnastic ribbons to make her leaps look more dramatic. (Weapon X #3)
This version of Gateway is really cool, and deserves both more page space and more analysis than he gets. (Weapon X #3)
CAROL FOREVER. (Weapon X #3)
Was Logan just, like, saving this for a rainy day? (Weapon X #4)
That is certainly one way to navigate an airship. (Weapon X #4)
You know nothing pleasant is going to follow this sound effect. (Weapon X #4)
‘Kay. (Weapon X #4)
NEXT EPISODE: Vulcan is still the worst Summers Brother in any universe, though.

LINKS & FURTHER ATROCITIES

291 – Eat Malarkey and Die

22 comments

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Android | RSS

Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which we celebrate a birthday; nuclear war is never a good Plan A; every Logan is Old Man Logan; we are underwhelmed by the Pretty Boys of Earth-295; Jean Grey is one hell of a pilot; there are so many reasons not to like Donald Pierce; teleporters are the narrative nuclei of the Age of Apocalypse; and Gateway of Earth-295 deserves significantly more in-depth exploration than we can provide.

X-PLAINED:

  • Weapon X (Logan)
  • Weapon X #1-4
  • Irony
  • Coordinating costumes to tattoos (and vice versa)
  • How to ride a sentinel
  • Apocalypse’s sea wall
  • Mutant power classifications
  • The mass human evacuation
  • Nuclear war
  • Magma
  • A load of malarkey
  • Interactions of telepathy and PTSD
  • The Pretty Boys of Earth-295
  • How not to jump out of a zeppelin
  • What Carol Danvers smells like
  • Gateway (Earth-295)
  • An exceptionally high-tech guilt trip
  • Unconventional navigation
  • Character transformations between universes
  • The complex conundrum of Jean Grey
  • When humans became aware about mutants
  • Logan’s D&D alignment
  • Our own D&D character histories

NEXT EPISODE: Factor X!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

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As Mentioned in Episode 290 – The Obvious, the Silly, and the True

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!
Magneto is definitely bowling in this picture, right? (Astonishing X-Men #1)
I dunno if I’d call them astonishing, but they’ll do. (Astonishing X-Men #1)
Magneto’s X-Men are AT LEAST 50% more dramatic than Xavier’s, and I’m okay with that. (Astonishing X-Men #1)
We would x-plain Rex; but he’s honestly just some guy. (Astonishing X-Men #1)
The first thing Apocalypse did upon seizing power was dissolve OSHA. (Astonishing X-Men #1)
Okay, he’s got his moments. (Astonishing X-Men #1)
This is just incandescently delightful. (Astonishing X-Men #1)
Best character design in the AoA. (Astonishing X-Men #2)
Is the lake of blood literal, metaphorical, or both? You be the judge! (Astonishing X-Men #2)
THIS. PERFECT. TWIST. (Astonishing X-Men #2)
Spoiler: No, and no. (Astonishing X-Men #2)
Kinda disappointed that we never got to see this play. (Astonishing X-Men #3)
kyle no (Astonishing X-Men #3)
Is.. is Sabretooth not allowed to say “Hell”? (Astonishing X-Men #3)
Still not as weird as force-feeding superheroes baby food. (Astonishing X-Men #3)
Sure, why not? (Astonishing X-Men #3)
Now you’re thinking with portals! (Astonishing X-Men #4)
And he didn’t even quit the team once! (Astonishing X-Men #4)
Morph is a goof, but he’s also by far the most emotionally literate of the X-Men. (Astonishing X-Men #4)
Rogue is DONE with this event. (Astonishing X-Men #4)
NEXT EPISODE: The beginning of a descent into madness!

290 – The Obvious, the Silly, and the True

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download

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Art by David Wynne. Wanna buy the original? Drop him a line!

In which it’s kind of a relief to be talking about a fictional apocalypse right now; Joe Madureira defines the look of the mid-late 1990s; Sunfire is less cheesecake than crepes Suzette; it all comes back to capes; Wild Child is more than he seems; Holocaust sucks about as much as you’d expect of someone who picked that code name; Jay has surprisingly strong feelings about Morph; Miles is all about judging some babies; resistance is fundamental to the X-Men’s identity within a superhero-universe paradigm; nobody deserves to be quarantined with Quentin Quire; and our two-week lead is making proofing these podcasts an increasingly surreal experience.

X-PLAINED:

  • Several things Blink might have done but did not.
  • The status quo as of mid-March, 2020
  • Earth-295 (more) (again)
  • Astonishing X-Men #1-4
  • Our coverage of the core Age of Apocalypse series
  • Age of Apocalypse as proof of concept
  • The best character design of Earth-295
  • Some guy named Rex
  • A lake of blood which may or may not be figurative
  • Sabretooth’s last-ish stand
  • The revolutionary value of silliness
  • Jay’s favorite Orwell quote
  • The Infinite Processing Plant
  • DefCon Armageddon
  • A very cool fight scene
  • Catharsis
  • Mutants without the metaphor
  • Best and worst X-Men to be quarantined with

NEXT EPISODE: Weapon X!

Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog.

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Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here!

Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!